So lonely.
Posted , 6 users are following.
I just feel so alone.
I barely sleep at all. I average about 3 hours a night but even then it's filled with nightmares that wake me up screaming, or in agony from clenching my jaw so hard, or with indentations in my hand where I've clenched my nails into myself.
Now I have this virus, nothing serious but Im getting even less sleep. I'm exhausted. And everyone is asleep whilst I'm wide awake.
I feel isolated. I toss between wanting to ditch everyone and everything in my life (despite having a partner who I adore and also care for) and wanting to stay in bed the whole time, lock the doors and be with no one but my partner.
I can't remember the last time we had any fun. We are in our 20s. Early 20s. And our lives are a barrage of illness and medical appointments.
I just want a week of normality.
Not a trip abroad or millions of £s... Just a week where I don't have to help him bathe. A week where he doesn't have to remind me to eat. A week when I want to and feel able to shower. That's it. Maybe a trip to the pub?
Nobody in my family wants to believe in mental health issues (despite my family tree being littered with suicides and inpatient treatment for depression). It's just like they want to bury it deep, which I get, it just makes me feel even more isolated.
I don't want to waste my life but right now I feel as though I'm just literally getting through each day; there's no enjoyment, no genuine laughter or happiness.
I can't help but feel sorry for myself in my situation.
I can't help but feel anger towards those who tell me to "get a grip".
I'm trying so hard to get a grip sometimes I think I'm wearing myself down more.
I've got so many masks I put on now for various friends and family, I feel I'm starting to lose myself.
I just feel so alone.
0 likes, 26 replies
hypercat audrey96558
Posted
Bev x
audrey96558 hypercat
Posted
I'm 25. My partner is 25 and he very much doesn't have his physical health, so we've found ourselves at this age being Carers for each other. It's a living nightmare; I thought we'd be planning our futures together not planning how we are going to find and fund a home with wheelchair access.
I feel like my body is shutting down too, I get that feeling.
Please don't lose your will to go on, I'm trying so desperately to hang on to mine.
It seems to be getting tougher and tougher though...
I hope you are hanging on in there, lots of kind thoughts and best wishes.
X
hypercat audrey96558
Posted
We are different ages though and I sometimes just feel so worn out and tired of it all. I have had my life with some good times and just see myself winding down now. I hope you and your partner have long fruitful lives despites your illnesses. Lots of hugs.
Bev x
audrey96558 hypercat
Posted
That wasn't what I meant at all, I'm sorry if I made you feel that way.
I guess it's weird for me because I see my partner struggling so much physically, yet he has such robust mental health I get kinda jealous of him. (Which by the way IS incredibly selfish of me!)
It's just that everybody can see when he's struggling and he gets all the sympathy and kind gestures. Then I'm standing there and I get no reaction. I know that sounds incredibly childish of me.
I guess it's just that constant battle to have mental health issues recognised as a real illness...
I am genuinely so very sorry to hear about your COPD, I know that it is a nasty condition to have to face.
Best wishes and lots of hugs xxx and thank you for your kind thoughts towards me and my man. xxx