So much going on, feels so strange.

Posted , 5 users are following.

i only joined last week, was it last week? Yes think so. Lots of nice people, Jake said he finds it helps him to write, I finding the same thing, need to write now, no one to talk to.

strange few days, depression no change, physical health bad, not ate for 24 hours, feel strange, detached, like I'm looking at the world but doesn't feel real. Anxiety not good, went to dentist Thursday, spent two days replaying in my head everything i said and did during the appointment, certain my dentist was looking at me like I was a freak or just weird, keep rerunning everything, all my actions, every word. Wish my mind had an off switch. Worn out through that and my heart keeps racing.

dixcoverdd a couple of days ago I have border line personality disorder, seems i may have had it since a child, explains a lot, maybe I'm not evil after all like people said I am, reading th info I was given on feels like reading the story of my life. 

My my cat has died, had him for 10 years, also discovered my friend from school days has killed herself with a heroin overdose. Keep thinking how happy she was at school, always giggling and laughing, what went wrong? Guess she grew up, now I know why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up, sorry rambling now.

for the first time I decided to try and take back some control of me, booked a hotel room for January. Got a 79% price cut on it, pay later and I can cancel without paying anything or losing money. Means I got 3 months to see how life goes. Maybe my physical and mental health will improve, maybe I will wake up one day and think life is wonderful, do miracles happen?? Not with my luck but who knows.

Didnt book for breakfast not really much point. So many things to consider, like if my life and health gets worse and the hotel plan follows through so many people to consider. Do you leave a tip and an apology for the hotel staff for ruining their day? Should I go out wearing my Winnie the Pooh pyjamas to maybe give the emergency services something to smile at? Rambling again I thin sorry.

not scared of death but don't want to die alone. Was planning or thinking of being on the phone to the samaritans as I died but keep thinking it would be cruel of me to do that to someone, make them listen to me die.  So I guess that is a no. Need to find some nice music instead.

Guess ss the reason for January is to give the elderly relative one last christmas, he loves christmas, I hate it.  A time for families and children, without them christmas is pretty hollow. Hell, even thinking back to family Christmases years ago it was fake. Spending christmas with people who for 364 days you hate and ignore and for one day you pretend to be happy and smile at them while secretly hoping they choke on their Turkey.  Have discussed things with him, told him if police come he has to deny knowing of my plans and deny knowing I had the means for my end. Unless he wants to spend his final twilight years in jail.

told me he will be fine on his own, he likes his own company, might miss me but he will get by. Said he wants to live forever. God how did he get so sic kingly cheerful. Maybe that ECT he had when young, maybe a good zap of electricity is what I need, worked for him. Left him lists such as bank details, funeral plans, where to buy the ham, how to work the tv remote, little things.

have printed out my email communications from my suicide comtact, he warned me to delete all correspondance but I figure if I do go ahead I don't want to leave loose ends, make the polices job easier if they know where and how. Besides I don't think the police are going to be hopping onto a plane to Beijing to track down my contact.

had a phone call from that euthanasia forum in Oz, don't know if I can say the name, begins with an E. Got kicked off their forum, seems they took exception to me trying to talk their members out of suicicde. Just find it weird that people post updates on the day they intend to die and people are online wishing them good luck. Me I was trying to stop them but that didn't go down to well with the death ghouls on there. Tell you it's a freaky place that site. Made contact with three people spoke with them, spoke a few times with them, convincing them how wonderful life was hope they reconsidered. Weird really, can't save myself, but will try and stop others. Didn't even refund me my membership fee.

sorry to ramble on, think I need to try and damp down my anxiety I am feeling now and take some pain meds as well.

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  • Posted

    I like to be organised, may not need the hotel room, maybe things will improve, maybe my dr will do something maybe new meds or something. A lot can happen in 3 months. For bad or good.
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  • Posted

    Hey elves just got back and ding my phone goes smile glad you feel writing things down helps mate does more than you think

    Yeah I tried a few forums before this one and I just got told to see my doctor and as if they didn't even bother reading what I had to say.. That's a bit strange people post the day they want to die and people wish them luck, a bit weird..

    You will enjoy the hotel I've been in one for a month now and fly back home on Wednesday, I don't want to imagine how bad id be if I was still in that dreadful hostel.. Hope your ok bud, don't feel like you have nobody to talk to smile I'll listen

    And I get what you mean with your anxiety, I had to ring someone the other day and went as far as writing down what I was goin to say and then going over in my head after and picking it all apart after.. it's horrible...

    Hopefully I can get put on meds and start therapy, I wrote a letter because when I'm not in a low mood I'm in total denial I need help and just think it will pass.. Anxious though because why would a doctor believe me when I know I'll act like I'm fine...

    Take care mate hope you get better soon smile

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    • Posted

      Hi Jake hope you feel a bit better once your back home  in Blighty.  Know what you mean about doctor believing you when you act fine, I'm the same, don't think I will be able to fool him this time though, the physical evidence is all too clear and anxiety really sucks.

       Great idea about writing the letter. Hope you get some proper meds and treatment so you can begin to recover and feel better.  You should be happy, not having to deal with this. 

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    • Posted

      Thanks mate I know sometimes not being here might seem like the only way out when you feel like that but there's so much potential of being happy in the future, for me I want a family of my own which is something I use to remind myself to stick around.

      Like I said don't think you don't have anyone to talk to because I'll always be here for you, I know how horrible it is not having anyone you can talk to, people here care and so do I.. Take care your a really nice guy and deserve happiness, just stay strong and come here when your feeling low x

      I do know how overwhelming not wanting to be here can be, I had another day of completely wanting to give up around 2 days ago but someone who I met here helped me through it. 

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    • Posted

      Thanks Jake, glad your still here as well and I'm sure you will have a nice family in the future, that is a great goal to stick around for, people here are really nice and supportive yourself included.

       not a guy a girl, not that it matters. Good that someone here got you through when things were bad. x

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    • Posted

      Yeah 7am now and had no sleep at all, getting really anxious about having to go to the airport tomorrow.. And thanks I do ramble on but just my way of dealing with things..

      You up to much ? x

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    • Posted

      No, having pain from my physical illness, feeling pretty bad, will go to bed,  I need to give up eating completely.

      Hard not be anxious about your trip tomorrow, you will soon be home though.

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  • Posted

    Hi Elves I am feeling very sad after reading your post.  Thank goodness you got off that dreadful euthanasia site.  As you tried to talk people there out of suicide I am going to try and do it for you here.

    A lot can happen in 3 months like you say so I am glad, if you had to book a room, you did it so far ahead.  Are you on ad's at the moment?  Have you had/or are having any counselling.  If not I think you should do that first before you consider suicide.  Is there anything you haven't tried to make yourself feel your life more worthwhile?  If so do those first please.

    I think you are feeling especially low because of your poor cat dying and your old schoolfriend.   I had to have my puddy cat put down in January this year because he had cancer.  For at least 5 days afterwards I felt like a 'cat killer' and felt terrible. Then the words people said to me could get through - he had a good life,  you saved him suffering etc. etc.  

    I feel for your school friend - that's one reason why drugs are so dangerous isn't it? But how you feel about her is how people will feel about you if you go ahead with your plans.   

    I don't think you really want to die do you?  Is it the only solution you can see?  Are you at the end of your tether?  I do understand those feelings and I bet lots on here do so you are not alone.  Now you have found us stay with us please and we will give you all the support and help we can.  Don't forget suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem and your uniqueness would be missed.  x

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    • Posted

      Hi hypercat, not any counselling, my psychiatrist dumped me, said he couldn't help me anymore. Supposed to have a med review next month, will be imposible to pretend everything is ok to my g.p when he sees the injuries on my arm and asks why I have lost over two stone in weight.

      my physical health means I am too scared now to eat and every night I go to bed wondering how sick I will be the next day and how much pain. Along with the depression well, Stupid I know that There are people worse off so maybe I'm just selfish.

      Sorry about your cat hyper, but at the end you showed him how much you loved him by letting him go to save him from pain. You put what was best for him first even though it was hurting you. My cat  was my only friend, killed by a dog. I tried to save him, got him off the dog but wasn't strong enough and the dog dragged him out of my arms. Kept thinking how he would hate being dirty and covered in mud and blood, especially when I gave him a bath a few days earlier.

      it is the only solution I see, sitting staring at that little bottle you think how easy it would be, just to fall asleep forever, I'm lucky I guess that I will have no one to miss me, my family have previously told me they won't be going to my funeral when I do them the courtesy of dying. when you have no one then I guess it makes things a lot easier.

      I would guess most people don't really want to die, just want the pain to stop. Problem is not all physical pain can be cured and as for depression you can't escape your mind. Those demons keep coming back.

      will stick around here, unless everyone gets fed up of me and tells me to go away. I do tend to have that effect on people, was told that BPD people can come across as slightly strange or missing a couple of screws. I replied that I wasn't missing a few screws, in my case the entire toolbox was missing.

       

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    • Posted

      I tend to do the same but you must tell your gp everything, like I said I've wrote a letter as there is no escaping then once I've shown it to my doctor, maybe you could do the same? You could also look at support groups for people going through the same, I am thinking of finding one where you can meet and talk to people who understand.

      I'm going to show them the cuts on my arms and really try my best to be as honest as possible but deep down it's easy to say all of that here and no doubt I'll just shut down when I speak to anyone..

      That's a horrible thing for your family to say, don't listen to them you have every reason to live and I can't believe they would say that knowing you are struggling sad

      I wish I could give advice about not wanting to be here but when I get low, I don't have friends and my family have put me down so much and don't understand me, I feel like there really isn't much to stay for.. I just hold onto wanting a family which is perhaps the reason I'm still here.. 

      Nobody will get sick of you here I promise and I hope you feel this is a place you feel comfortable to come and release.. I may have nobody but the people here have helped me and it may sound silly but it's a place I can come and relax when I'm down.. 

      Just scares me that I'm 20 and everyone my age is so happy and having a wonderful life and I'm emotionless, show no interest in my own life or others and have never been so alone and lost..

      Anyway I'll stop rambling, had to say all of that though.. anyway I'll always listen and take care xx

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    • Posted

      No Jake you assume everyone at your age is happy etc. but lots aren't.  They are just better at putting on a happy face (or more hypocritical) which ever way you look at it.  Putting a happy face on attracts others which in turn makes you feel better - it's a vicious circle.   Looking miserable or depressed repels others which is a sad fact of life. x

       

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    • Posted

      I get what you mean, I put on that I'm fine, I may not look happy but it's a hell of a lot better than how I actually feel.. And yes it is a vicious cycle I have nobody and nor do I have it in me to suck up and talk to people. Maybe it's my own fault but I'm struggling to want to change

      I'm doing it in baby steps at the minute, I just about manage to walk to the shops which is good for me but may sound silly.

      I have become more Independent being here as I never left the house before I came, but like I've said I usually speak here when in down and that's how I feel when I'm like that. 

      I'm seeing my doctor next Monday and went to the hospital here the other night when I was getting like I was when I first came and they listened and gave me some advice.

      Xx

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    • Posted

      It is a good idea Jake to write things down for the Dr, i too find it impossible to say what I want and like you i have cuts all over my arm so no way will I be able to keep that hidden. I used to burn, stopped for 8 years now I am back on but with a new best friend I call Stan.

      Your still young yet and I'm sure you will get your family that you want. I always wanted children but that can never happen now but for you it can and even though I don't know you, just reading what you say on here tells me whoever gets you as family will be very blessed.

      like hyper said lots of people your age aren't happy. My gran used to say laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone. People just pretend to be happy. Look at comedians, they laugh, are funny and make everyone else laugh but they also seem to be the most depressed and unhappy of people.

      you have a lot to give and a lot to live for, never forget.

       

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    • Posted

      Feel really upset for what you've gone through, you deserve so much and I'd give you a big hug, one day you'll be happy and so will I, it may take a lot of work but we will do it.. 

      Thanks for the kind words it really does mean a lot, yeah I just find it hard to put on a cover anymore, I want to be myself and not what I think others want to see..

      And I know how you feel with regards to self harm, I did it for the first time a few months back and have a really big scar along my wrist, faded a bit now but I know it's there.. I wish I never did it because since then I've gave in and done it a few more times.. But when you get that bad it feels like it helps..

      Anyway rambling (again), hope your feeling better today and nice to hear from you x

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    • Posted

      You too Jake and you will be happy one day, you have so much to give. 

      Sounds weird but but when you said you started harming first time only a few months ago I felt relief, there is time for you to get help and to stop before it becomes a real real bad problem. It is very addictive and yeah it does help. People who have never done it cannot imagine how much pain you have to be in to do it and how much better it makes you feel for a short time. Until the revulsion kicks in but then the need comes back.

      please get help, I started at 13, been so many years now, still remember how and why I made that decision, even the day and time. It's too late for me, I am horribly scarred and it affects your life so much. Go to a hospital or Dr with a physical health problem and when they find out your a harmer then they write you off as an attention seeker. Self harmers don't get sick, we make illnesses up.

      then there comes the day when you need stitches and you have to have them without anaesthetic. Attitude of nurse being, you didn't need an anaesthetic when you cut, you don't need one now. People see you as a freak, self harmers don't get much sympathy.

      never being able to wear short sleeves, spending out money replacing blood stained clothing. Blood is a nightmare to get out of clothing. You don't want to go there and every time you cut you will need to go that bit deeper, that bit further just to get the same relief.

      i spent my birthday last month cutting, my present to myself was 75 cuts, my birthday always brings out the worse in me, hard to celebrate the day you killed your mother.

      you are still new to self harm, if you really need to, try pushing needles under your fingernails, believe me it will hurt but you won't damage yourself. Hold ice cubes in your hand or against your arm, again pain but no damage. Best of all thoug see your Dr, get help I think there are support groups for young self harmers as well.

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    • Posted

      You may not believe it but you also have so much to give and really do deserve all the happiness in the world. I honestly feel sad reading how low you feel, almost like you've given up on yourself.

      It's not to late for you either, you deserve to get help for yourself and keep away from your family as I don't even know how to reply to the things you say they've done, just shocking.. 

      I hope coming here has helped you, I won't give up on being here for you. Never give up or change who you are for anybody and know your not alone in this.

      Wish there was some way I could make you feel better but sadly all I have is words x

      Take care xx

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    • Posted

      Hi again, from reading your posts i beleive you feel guilty about things in your life, when you say you killed your mother was this literally? I am not here to judge you just want to try and understand how events have brought you to this way of negative thinking. You don't have to answer this or you can talk privately if you wish. I care as you seem to be suffering so much pain in your life. Elizabeth x
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    • Posted

      Hi Jake, I am sad to hear that your self harming and hope that you can find some help for this. I understand it's a release for you and wish you could find other ways to cope with your pain. Have you tried Counselling or talking therapies. I tried these years ago and found them very helpful. It may help you to work through your pain and anxieties. Please get some help. Keep on here to as your a good support to other people and hopefully others can support you too. Elizabeth x
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    • Posted

      Hi Elizabeth, yes literally killed her, she Died of complications after having me. I found out recently it was weeks before my father took me home, he couldn't even look at me

      I was lucky, was raised by a stepmother, we were so close but my siblings hated her until the day she died from cancer. it all blew up they  then let loose with exactly what they thought of me, said i should die and join her in hell. Maybe  if they had been punished with beatings like I was maybe they would have turned out better people.

      They cut off contact with my dad as they said it made them feel sick to be in the same room as me, they refer to me as a creature, not a person, not me.

      spent years seeing a psychiatrist to try and undoe the damage, eventually he dumped me, told me he couldn't help me, he didn't think I would ever recover.

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    • Posted

      hi Jake, it has helped coming here, said things here never said to my psychiatrist.  Pretty much given up yes, I already feel dead, just need my body to catch up.

      Hope you get the help you need and stop harming, it is not good and hope your not too anxious flying home. words do make you feel better, and it is nice here.

       

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    • Posted

      Well I hope you start to feel different knowing people do care about you and you have a place to talk, you seem so nice and genuine I just wish you could see that yourself xx

      I don't want to begin to imagine how much pain you feel and saying things like that might not have much effect but we will always be here and I just hope you've felt better xxx

      Take care and never forget what a special person you are.. x

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    • Posted

      Yeah I made a post a few weeks ago and have been talking to a few people off here that I honestly will never be able to thank them enough for putting up with me and going out of their way to help. I am blessed to know people like that and I won't ever forget it.

      I am seeing my doctor on Monday and will be finishing my letter when I get home, thanks for the kind words, take care Elizabeth xx

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    • Posted

      I have to get some sleep now have to be up soon to head to the airport.

      Just want to say what a pleasure it's been talking to you and I honestly wish you the absolutel best. You have so much to offer and I hope one day you can feel that just like I hope to one day. 

      I'll speak when I get back of course but take care of yourself elves and know how special you truly are, no matter how minuscule and how unimportant it may seem, there's always something worth holding on and fighting for.

      You take care of yourself and again, you deserve all the happiness in the world and me and everyone here will never let you down x

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    • Posted

      Hi, This is so sad to hear how you have been treated by your family. You are not responsible for your mothers death, you were a baby and no way did you cause your mothers death. You must have carried this burden all your life, the burden that the family placed on you, they wanted someone to blame and you are the scapegoat. Shame on them. Thank you for sharing this it has made me understand your pain more. You sound like a wonderful person crying out to be loved. I wish i had a magic wand to take away the hurt, unfortunately we cannot erase our bad memories. I wish for you hope and peace, don't give up please. Sending you hugs Elizabeth x
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