So much going on, feels so strange.

i only joined last week, was it last week? Yes think so. Lots of nice people, Jake said he finds it helps him to write, I finding the same thing, need to write now, no one to talk to.

strange few days, depression no change, physical health bad, not ate for 24 hours, feel strange, detached, like I'm looking at the world but doesn't feel real. Anxiety not good, went to dentist Thursday, spent two days replaying in my head everything i said and did during the appointment, certain my dentist was looking at me like I was a freak or just weird, keep rerunning everything, all my actions, every word. Wish my mind had an off switch. Worn out through that and my heart keeps racing.

dixcoverdd a couple of days ago I have border line personality disorder, seems i may have had it since a child, explains a lot, maybe I'm not evil after all like people said I am, reading th info I was given on feels like reading the story of my life. 

My my cat has died, had him for 10 years, also discovered my friend from school days has killed herself with a heroin overdose. Keep thinking how happy she was at school, always giggling and laughing, what went wrong? Guess she grew up, now I know why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up, sorry rambling now.

for the first time I decided to try and take back some control of me, booked a hotel room for January. Got a 79% price cut on it, pay later and I can cancel without paying anything or losing money. Means I got 3 months to see how life goes. Maybe my physical and mental health will improve, maybe I will wake up one day and think life is wonderful, do miracles happen?? Not with my luck but who knows.

Didnt book for breakfast not really much point. So many things to consider, like if my life and health gets worse and the hotel plan follows through so many people to consider. Do you leave a tip and an apology for the hotel staff for ruining their day? Should I go out wearing my Winnie the Pooh pyjamas to maybe give the emergency services something to smile at? Rambling again I thin sorry.

not scared of death but don't want to die alone. Was planning or thinking of being on the phone to the samaritans as I died but keep thinking it would be cruel of me to do that to someone, make them listen to me die.  So I guess that is a no. Need to find some nice music instead.

Guess ss the reason for January is to give the elderly relative one last christmas, he loves christmas, I hate it.  A time for families and children, without them christmas is pretty hollow. Hell, even thinking back to family Christmases years ago it was fake. Spending christmas with people who for 364 days you hate and ignore and for one day you pretend to be happy and smile at them while secretly hoping they choke on their Turkey.  Have discussed things with him, told him if police come he has to deny knowing of my plans and deny knowing I had the means for my end. Unless he wants to spend his final twilight years in jail.

told me he will be fine on his own, he likes his own company, might miss me but he will get by. Said he wants to live forever. God how did he get so sic kingly cheerful. Maybe that ECT he had when young, maybe a good zap of electricity is what I need, worked for him. Left him lists such as bank details, funeral plans, where to buy the ham, how to work the tv remote, little things.

have printed out my email communications from my suicide comtact, he warned me to delete all correspondance but I figure if I do go ahead I don't want to leave loose ends, make the polices job easier if they know where and how. Besides I don't think the police are going to be hopping onto a plane to Beijing to track down my contact.

had a phone call from that euthanasia forum in Oz, don't know if I can say the name, begins with an E. Got kicked off their forum, seems they took exception to me trying to talk their members out of suicicde. Just find it weird that people post updates on the day they intend to die and people are online wishing them good luck. Me I was trying to stop them but that didn't go down to well with the death ghouls on there. Tell you it's a freaky place that site. Made contact with three people spoke with them, spoke a few times with them, convincing them how wonderful life was hope they reconsidered. Weird really, can't save myself, but will try and stop others. Didn't even refund me my membership fee.

sorry to ramble on, think I need to try and damp down my anxiety I am feeling now and take some pain meds as well.

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