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Hi there, I have posted elsewhere on here responding to people about some mental health issues, trying to be positive. I mean in general I cope (or appear to) and try to find the good things in life to focus on. I have good things in my life and am lucky in many respects, I just feel so depressed and I was hoping this was never going to happen again.
I can't sleep at the moment, I lie awake for hours every night and my brain won't turn off. Sometimes it can take me the whole night to fall asleep and then it's half past 5 in the morning and I'm still awake. I don't know why this is happening as I am active and do try to give my days purpose even though I don't work. I have to keep my mind busy. Lately though it's been hard to concentrate, I have this heavy feeling in my head like there are lead weights in there. Everything feels drab/dull. I feel like I am going through my days with a front on and inside I am just on the verge of tears. I hate feeling weak so I have to just put on a front and pretend I am ok, it's killing me.
When I'm like this I feel angry inside and ruminate a lot. I have started having unusual experiences again (I say again because I have had psychosis in the past and it does come and go) but I feel so scared by them and I have to just ignore it when it happens or pretend it isn't happening so as not to upset my family. I say mantras to myself to stop the voices but they speak over the TV and radio at night. Why is this happening to me? I have done everything I can to make myself well and I feel like I am going to have my whole life being scared of another episode of illness or feeling less than others because I have this illness.
I have thought about suicide as an option but I don't think it's for me. I've made suicidal gestures in the past but realised eventually that I didn't want to die in agony. I couldn't do that to my family, and to be perfectly honest I don't think I'd have the courage to end my own life. Although it is very tempting some days as I feel I have just had enough of existing.
I don't know what to do. It's not my life that's the problem, it seems to be me. Other people have worse lives and they are mentally well. I feel humiliated writing this, and not hopeful I will be understood if I were to go back to mental health services. I do see the GP quite often who is nice but I can't help but feel it's not fair to burden other people with my depressing sh*t. I just want to be normal me so I can live my life. When I am stable I feel I can enjoy things, at the moment I just feel so alone with everything. It's a bit like I'm grieving, but nobody's died - I've got that empty, detached, weird feeling following me around.
I can't see me coping with this for much longer - all the anxiety, not sleeping, just generally not feeling well and thinking about being dead, not enjoying things, feeling so tired, seeing and hearing things that probably aren't there. It's horrible to live with.
Sorry for the really long post - I just needed to get all this out my head.
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