Special day

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I`m 19, male, last year of high school, lonely, severe depressed, anxious and afraid.

I can`t quite remember the last time I was "happy" or even if I ever truly felt the happiness.

Today is a "special day". I came back from school, low as ever, with all sorts of suicidal thoughts in my mind.

Suddenly I started watching myself in the mirror and imagined how`d look my face after a fall of 4 floors. I thought, "I`d look disfigured.. but that`s ok".

I consider this occurrence as "special" since I felt nothing after thinking those things. It`s never happened before.

As always, I don`t know what to do and if I really want to do something.

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  • Posted

    Which brings me to a story of a guy who jumped off a multi storey car park and ended up in a wheelchair. It would appear that being disabled and in a wheelchair showed people that there was something wrong with him unlike when he was just Mentally Ill. Don't try this at home folks because he could easily have ended up in a wheelchair with someone having to wipe his drool away.

    I don't know what happiness is. It seems to belong to other people but as soon as I feel it attacking me, I do a runner. Happiness is (in my experienced) always balanced by unhappiness. It's not the disfigurement it's the realisation that will suddenly hit you minutes after you hit the floor. 1: It hurts 2: I have to live within a broken body and endure the anxiety and depression with no chance of ending it after all.

    I know all your emotions and self harm is my default setting. If someone has done something wrong, it's me. If someone is angry, I caused it. Self recrimination and an abundance of fears, most ridiculous or built up to be monsters in my mind.

    See if you can find a book called Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan.

    Turn first to 'The Slough of Despond'. Read it and realise that those fears and feelings were written by a man nearly 400 years ago. A man who must have been through what you and I go through.

    Physician, Heal thyself. If I could get rid of my demons I could make a fortune telling people how to lose theirs.

    Now my face...... A fall of four floors might improve it.

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  • Posted

     wait a minute there, hold on there. You have GOT to think about how life can change in the blink of an eye and with you what you feel. OBviously things arent going right for you right now, and you may have confronted some difficult hangups which made you have problems with people at college. I tell you no-one could have been such amisfit as I was at  college, confused mad unable to socialise, bullied because of it, I  was nagged and put down constantly by mum too and her nasty man friend, I felt like scum of the earth yet i was good as gold in almost every where if not everyway.  YOurs saying yes so what probably. I was 15 when I went to art college. I became very depressed by 18 and saw a psych every week for an hour for some years along with recieving Prondol an old fashioned drug which worked totally and no side effects, I changed totally and started succeeding in what  I didm a living as a portrait painter, however still unsocialised and unable to be, my mother objected to my being self employed ( I lived with her) and ordered me to get a job, mysteriouslt my long gone father rang up ( undoubtedlt told by my brother) who said ' come and live here with us -- my stepmother and himself in their manor house hotel. So on impulse there and then I took the offer. MY brother drove me down to Sussex with my art equipment because my father laughed at my working in my home town and said not to be silly and think about the oportunies I would have with exhibitions and all the clients who would see the and buy etc.

      I got there and my step mother who hadnt been consulted freaked out and stalked out of the house and got in the car with her best friend Dora Bryan and off they drove. She continued to be hostile all the six months I was there, my father said take no notice, but i begged to go. he was angry but too ne to a two roomed flat i couldnt afford a basically dump[ed my there. i was stranded, no money, got a jpob \in restoration. - with a crooken business in the papers later ( I hadnt known)

     I got the sack they said I was too slow) I had given up the drugs thinking I was better

     ended up begging a new kind gp to refer me to   a psych, which she did I was sent to a day hospital 5 days a week group therapy, individual therapy and who house gatherings. 10 years, got better much better felt like I was like anyone else with rights to be on the planet I even got dated by titled people had highly qualified and even famous people-- see what therapy can do for you? if your confidence it zilch, there is another person inside you waiting to come out. YOu might never think it possible but my life proved it can so dont give up, get group therapy if you can as long as you can. we had no drugs by the way. at 28 I met mypartner dash husband and we had three children, I reared them almost myself in the country and educated them myself( my other never lived to see) they are now in their 30's and all successful. and I am a grandparent too. Now when you read the beginnings I came from and the state I was in having been depressed really from about the age of 8. to a totally different life. This is just as possible for you, things happen you end now you might miss the best parts of your life, you have to ride it out and also try many different things and if needed drugs.Its a terrible  thing that when people kill themselves people  who knew them find themselves saying if onlyy he she knew what was going to happen? for you there is Long life ahead, and your life is your baby look after it and yourself,you dont know what is coming or how you might change.

     

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