Spousal Depression after being Disabled

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My husband was left disabled after a cancerous tumor to his spinal cord . He has also experienced sequelle from side effects of 4 rounds of chemo.This includes diabetes,prostate cancer requiring prostate removal,ED secondary to that.Paralysis X 1 year,and partial numbness thereafter . He also had the "largest hernia" this doctor ever repaired without opening him up totally . He also had a heart attack requiring a triple bypass.This Started about 12 weeks after the birth of our third child . He has experienced depression after the paralysis .We are people of faith and that has helped us quite a bit but you can't have all this happen and not have it affect you . I tried to get him to go to counseling but he won't . On a daily basis he is very controlling to help him compensate for his feeling of lack of control He comes from a base of anger so is easily angered and looks for fault and suggest fault in his tone of voice . I love this man and want to find a way to help him through his anger . He won't take traditional medications for depression . We talked to his Dr.,he put him on a medication .He took 1 dose ,that's it .Wont take meds . I recommended a support group even if on line . He just sort of smiled at me like " You silly woman",so coming to you all for suggestions . I love him dearly but he was not alone on this journey and is not now . I would like to increase his(and therefore my) happiness guita .Any ideas welcome.🌷

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  • Posted

    Msky you have done all you can and more. Prayers always help, tell him you will pray for him and ask him to pray for himself and whilst he is doing that to remember Job. Things could be a whole lot worse if lost his voice. Remind him that God loves us all, if we need him we just have to believe and ask him. I will pray for you both.
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  • Posted

    Hi Msky - so sorry to read of your situation. I have to roll my eyes when people say "pray." Prayer is all very well - so is meditation, but there is a point where physical problems need physical solutions. His anger is perfectly understandable and it seems he has not come to terms with his life as it is now and will be into the future. Have you sat down and told him how is treatment is affecting you? 

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    • Posted

      I am trying to get to the bottom of as many situations as is possible.I will ask him why for example it bothers him so much that I had to walk in front of him or ask him for help or opinion on something, Why is he so bothered ? I want to take my inventory and watch how I respond to him . I don't want to add fuel to the fire . He has a sort of chemo induced ADHD . It is stressful to me because I at times feel a bit overwhelmed by his negativity . He also can be very sweet in many ways and does so much good . It almost feels like the good comes come sta at a cost . I think He gets overstimulated easily and think that's part of him getting frustrated easily . We have come through so many challenges,hoping things will go the right way .This is the first time I'm admitting this is wearing me down . It's hard for both of us .I have had 3 joint replacements in 18 months and my emotional energy level is a tad low . Thank you for your understanding .💐

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    • Posted

      I too think he is frustrated ,as a man to have all this stuff happen that has had very little control over.He has been the stay at home since the paralysis .It was not really a choice and it angered him . I understand but It was not me doing it to him,
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    • Posted

      Hi again Msky - thanx for your reply. I feel for the pressure you are under and the hopelessness he is exacerbating in you. I wondered whether there was someone who could take over from you for a while and give you a break. During that time you could stay completely away from the situation. Not only will it give you a rest, but it will force him to reassess his attitude when he realises how much you actually do for him. I can totally understand his diminished feelings and the loss of control over things, but as you say it is not your fault, and it is not an excuse/reason to treat you badly. You are helping him at a cost to yourself and he needs to respect that. His anger at his situation is also preventing him form seeking relevant help - a psychologist perhaps and a doc who can prescribe anti-anxiety meds, although I'm sure he is fed up with medications especially after chemo. Still, he needs to make an effort and help himself which in turn will help you. I'm sorry to say it but you may have to be cruel to be kind. See if you can have some sort of holiday from this and do something special for yourself. 

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    • Posted

      You know Wayne as I heal up from this hip replacement I am going to pursue my interest and ask him to come with me . if he says no I will do 1 activity a week without him . I could go swimming in the am before I go to work ,and then a water aerobics class once a week . I am so happy about starting to feel better from the hip surgery , that I want to proceed and I'm sad that he does not want to go anywhere .

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