Struggling now

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:cry: :cry: I've gone - I've lost it - really struggling to do anything today other than sit here feeling absolutely crap! Heart is racing - pit in stomach - useless.....Completley useless.

Can't be bothered to eat because I can't be bothered to make anything. Walk into kitchen look in fridge look in cupboards then walk back out. The hunger will just have to remain - I'd probably choke on the damn stuff anyway.

I want to sleep - why can't I sleep?

Why am I stuck here feeling like this when other people are going about their usual business with not a care in the world. If they do have a care - why isn't it affecting them like it's afeecting me? I'm useless - a weakling - waste of damn space.

There's a demon on my shoulder and he wont stop!

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20 Replies

  • Posted

    Melbi, I felt exactly like you......[b:c2c6a6d101]I think you are special, stop torturing yourself. You have 2 lovely daughters, an absolutley beatiful granddaughter, who wants her [u:c2c6a6d101]fun, loving and endearing granny to play with smile smile

    You have cheered me up on numerous occassions.

    Right then, I ll go and see if I can make you :lol: and get out of your doom!!!

    i forgot to mention your lovely cats :!: :!:

    Chin up....nipples out!!!! :lol: You know you can .....Remeber were can get that and those feelings back...they come , just as the lows do!! try to eat something as the hunger makes the mood worse!!!

    Love and hugs, Tiny Tears x.[/u:c2c6a6d101][/quote][/b:c2c6a6d101]

  • Posted

    Hi Melbi

    Oh babes sorry you are feeling bad - you are far from useless you are a source of inspiration to all of us on this site. Think of your family, your friends and all of us here - everyone is there for you. I know it's hard when you get a bad day god knows we all do but it'll pass - just try to keep going. We wouldn't be human if we couldn't feel our emotions it's just that we are more sensitive than others right now - it's not your fault your having a bad day. Try & eat a little, even if it's just a slice of toast you need your energy - could your daughter make it for you?

    I would send you a smiley face but it won't work so here's loads of hugs instead.............

    Chin up girl we're right with you. Post later if you can, so we know how you're doing.

    Nicky Jane x x x

  • Posted

    Hi Melbi,

    Am saddened that you have hit the wall again. I've been there many times, and I understand how frustrating it can be to wonder what the hell am I doing here and have no answer. I often go to the fridge and wonder why as I gaze at the perishables silently advancing to their \"use by\" date. Shutting the fridge door I often look around like a cow being artificially inseminated ... I know something wonderful is going on, I just don't know what!

    Melbi you have given hope to many of us. Please recognise this day as a hurdle you can go around if you can't jump over. I really feel for you not sleeping, but there is an answer. Perhaps the natural melatonin tabs are a bandaid, and you need to seek deeper professional help. Smile when you think of your gorgeous granddaughter (I have one of those too), and please don't be so hard on yourself. And look after you! xx

  • Posted

    :D Melbi...that was very naughty, but :tickle: d me, [b:7a5c7b2060]thought I would take a break from the ironing

    :lol: [/b:7a5c7b2060]

  • Posted

    Sorry folks, my emails not working! I am feeling great today, dont know whats happened...though, partner well, we are still having our ups and downs, but he actually made me laugh! So god knows what I think now! smile
  • Posted

    It's great to hear you're feeling good today TT.

    Melbi, let it wash over you Hun. Enjoy the highs when the come because you can expect the lows to hit anytime. You will find that the lows get less and less. If you look back I'm sure you remember that there were times when you had no highs at all, so one now and then is a big improvement.

    I too used to wander into the kitchen but not find anything to eat. Hubby keeps the fruit bowl topped up and then I can grab a piece of fruit and munch on that. At least now I manage 3 meals a day (or snacks). Hubby has always done the cooking so he makes sure I have a cooked meal in the evenings.

    Hang on in there mate we're all behind (mainly because we've been there, done it and got the meds to prove it!!! :D :D )

  • Posted

    Alpha cd arrived this morning. Played it most of the day - do I feel any different? NO!

    Probably because the first time I tried listening to it about 10 mins of playing the bloody phone rang.

    Second attempt youngest daughter kept coming in asking I wanted anything ............................ yes some bloody peace, quiet and SLEEP!

    Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gave out the biggest scream in myt head and fists clenched. That was that! Too tense!

    Third attempt I lay here just waiting for someone to disturb me! :cry:

    Received a reply from my new friend at Great Night Sleep site. (Scott) lol he read into my 'norty' comments about creating the right atmosphere in the bedroom :wink:

    I have a throbbing headache - aching muscles and a strong urge to leave the house and walk....walk.....walk.....and never return!

    Stupid thing is - I know full well what has created this negative feeling in me today! :shock:

    Being awake so early I went onto my msn windows messenger and who should be online but one of my bosses. We have been great friends for years (so I thought) shared our ups and downs, problems etc. I sent her a message but she ignored me! That is the 2nd time she has ignored a message from me and hasn't replied to 2 emails I have sent to her. What;s the matter - is she scared she might catch what I've got?

    I would pity her if she bloody well did! :twisted:

    Anyway, back to my new friend, Scott. He says it would be quite safe to take 3 tablets rather than 2 but not to take anymore than that. He suggest that I try taking just the 2 first though for afew nights as my body might need timne to adjust. Wonder if he's as good looking as he is caring? :wink: He also suggested I try taking them earlier than it states on the bottle - like now????? :oops:

    How am I feeling now? - Yes and no! I don't know how I am feeling - tired - oh yes tired - but I am always guaranteed to feel bloody tired - wonder what world record is for sleeplessness?

    I am so glad I have you people to turn to. Now I have Scott too :P

    I want the kids to shut the hell up! Endless bloody chitter chatter about sod all - I want to go somewhere quiet - somewhere I am absolutely positive no one can interrupt my thoughts. I'm trying to sort my head out - the last 12 months - tidy it all up - get it in some sort of order. Wotk out which of the problems (all gone away in real life now but all growing like a tumour on my brain) need to be dealt with first. Which one is it that is causing me so much stress - how can I deal with it if I don't know which problem I'm dealing with. :shock:

    I've lost my marbles again - they are rolling all over the place - spreading quicker than I can pick them all back up. :twisted:

    Hey! When I listened to the cd for the first time (before the inconsiderate fool that decided then would be a good time to ring me) I had the weirdest of sensations. I wasn't in my body - I was hovering above myself and looking at myself on the ground lost and bewildered. I (the me still on the ground) was on a white path - very white path but wasn't bright. 2 fields either side. Coming across the field was a monster - a demon. As it got closer me (the one hovering above) held out my arms and hugged me (the one on the ground). then the bloody phone rang!

    I wasn't alseep at the time - I was aware of the kids downstairs making a noise, moving about etc.

    Kids? they ain't kids - they are young women!

    No, i haven't moved from my bed today other than to walk in the kitchen and back out empty handed and to the loo. I have no intentions neither of leaving my bed today - my bed needs me today - I need my bed today!

    I think I started feeling abit better when I realised I wasn't getting up! That is such hard work in the mornings - getting out of bed.

    No - today I haven't even had a wash (dirty woman) A quick swill with mouth wash (in my mouth that is).

    I havent opened the curtains neithe

  • Posted

    Melbi....the priceless scottish joke. I hate ironing too, especially when you burn your fingers, effing ironing, can we not all just wear our clothes crushed.....why do they have to be wrinkle free anyway? Seems such a waist of time, when 5 mins later, dirty/back in wash/washed/iron/ Its a bit like doing the bloody dishes, making the beds and picking up after everyone day and night....huhu(YAWn!!! YAWN!!! YAWN!!!!) Why can they not just help. I now have blisters on my fingers and i can feel myself going again...but hey i know it will pass!!! :lol: Somedays are just better than :? :x I think I am you?
  • Posted

    Melbi...I can soo relate to you. You make me laugh, even when you are at your lowest, ( Idont mean any offense by that), just that the things you say...(I just think....I know exactly what you mean). Gave up on the ironing , now shaking the clothes and folding the,m , I might attack them with my hairdryer at some point :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  • Posted

    Hi Melbi

    Keep trying to be strong, we're all here with you and yes we are a bit like a family aren't we - loved the poem! Hi to TT & PJ see your here as well to back Melbi up.... so you see your \"angels\" are watching over you. If you really don't want to be disturbed (people only mean well I know but they don't fully understand) then why not say to your daughters - I really apprecite you asking if I need anything but what would help right now is an hour to myself - I'm sure they would understand they only want whats best for you. Hard to realise at the time but hey tomorrows another day!

    Hang on in there and keep typing your feelings / thoughts if it helps.

    Best wishes

    Nicky Jane x x

  • Posted

    Thanks again Nicky Jane, PJ and Katy.

    I really feel like I am letting my eldest daughter down. She just having had a baby, her emotions will be all over the place too. she has just been and asked what I would like to eat. I replied: 'Anything - Nothing'.

    We both burst out laughing :roll:

    Decided on some soup - easy enough to swallow with a huge lump in throat and chest.

    My heart has slowed down abit now - thank goodness.

    I know they mean well - they also know they are the main cause of my illness :cry:

    I keep telling them not to worry - mum will be fine - it is only because I love them both so much that all this has upset me so much.

    I only hope they aren't feeling guilty. We have all been teenagers and all made silly mistakes - hurt our parents etc.

    The main thing is that we are all still together, all still love each other - the bond has probably strenghtened even more now.

    But oh why can't I just get over it all and move on? Why has it all embedded itself inside my head like an anchor holding a ship still in the waves.

    Tablets are starting to relax me a little more now. Not too much to cause me any harm - just enough to relax me. I couldn't handle the pain any more and if I try and sleep it will stop me sleeping tonight.

    What a woven web we weave.

    Thank all for being here for me.


    Melbi xxx

  • Posted

    I know what you mean Katy - I read it back to myself after and think 'I'm bloody crazy' - it does help though just letting your thoghts run amok.

    Sorry you people are having to read them though!

    I wouldnt take offence - nor a gate lol.

    cursing my stuoidity now - feeling a bit sickly - teach me to take a tablet or 3 on an empty stomach.

    When I see GP next time and she asks if the tablets are making me feel better - I'll have to ask her which ones she means :oops:

    Melbi x

  • Posted

    [quote:89d753f708=\"Tiny Tears\"]Melbi....[b:89d753f708][u:89d753f708]the priceless scottish joke[/u:89d753f708][/b:89d753f708]. I hate ironing too, especially when you burn your fingers, effing ironing, can we not all just wear our clothes crushed.....why do they have to be wrinkle free anyway? Seems such a waist of time, when 5 mins later, dirty/back in wash/washed/iron/ Its a bit like doing the bloody dishes, making the beds and picking up after everyone day and night....huhu(YAWn!!! YAWN!!! YAWN!!!!) Why can they not just help. I now have blisters on my fingers and i can feel myself going again...but hey i know it will pass!!! :lol: Somedays are just better than :? :x I think I am you?[/quote:89d753f708]

    Are we allowed to put a few jokes here or not?

    Melbi x

  • Posted

    melbi.....god...heck...what happened to my house????

    Tut tut ...I went a walk. Who in gods name burgalled us.?..why would anyone want to do that? Out of all the houses here...youd have to be bloody (duh!) to want to do that :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    Oh.... :oops: whoops...weve not been...partbers home. You she see it...what was I sayoing>

    Yeah Melbi, I enjoy reading your thoughts...makes me giggle :lol:

    I think I am getting cheeky on this stuff!!! Owe...the cat just bit my cat likes olive oil, muffins and cheese :blackcat: :blackcat: what a :cupcake: :lol: :lol:

    Are you getting up yet Melbi???????You could have a bath.

    I havent eaten much today...but I got this mad craving for olives. ([b:0fe00e358c](I find it so entertaining that my mum thought I was preggers again, hence all my visits to the GPs :lol: :lol: :lol: ) Nope!!! Mum...thats not it!!! :lol: :lol: [/b:0fe00e358c]

  • Posted

    I will drag myself for a bath but then getting back into my safe haven. Goodness knows what my house looks like - daren't look! :oops:

    Feeling quite groggy now :shock:

    Melbi x


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