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struggling the last few days....

Posted , 4 users are following.

dawn57104
dawn57104

Where to start.... struggling the last few days my dad is in town and i really do not know whether i want to see him or not!

So much has happened in the past that i am currently dealing with and i really dont know if i want to see him or not!

Ugh my anxiety is through the roof today, my depression isnt good at all. rolleyes i just want to feel normal again!

I just want to cry at the moment, I am not in a good place at all. Just when i thought i was turning a corner!

3 likes, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • angela15256
    angela15256 dawn57104

    Posted

    Hi there; obviously theres so many emotions involved. This is just my view; verbal abuse cuts alot deeper than many think. It is not just a few bad words... now; ive lost my father; no there wasnt abuse but he was a serious drinker and he put me through alot.. way too much stuff was said and done but when they gone.... you cannot fix anything... what about a cup of coffee with him... nothing heavy or serious... that way little by little you can start to address things.???
    • dawn57104
      dawn57104 angela15256

      Posted

      Thank you Angela15256

      I did see him in the end but was with my grandma also so i was not alone with him either, not that i am scared of that but it makes me feel better someone else there he wont admit anything with his mum there and wont speak of anything that happened in the past either.

      thanks

  • cycad
    cycad dawn57104

    Posted

    Hang in there dawn57104, you're doing well, it's just your father has triggered certain negativities within you. To me, if you don't want to see him, don't. Make an excuse or tell him the truth, whatever, but I arrived at a point in my life where if I don't like someone, I don't care who they are, then it's best to be honest with yourself and honor your wishes. No point faking affection and suffering the interactions for the rest of your life. It's harder when it comes to ones close relatives but these kinds of situations combined with the journey of healing we've embarked upon were always going to present themselves one day. You don't have to see your old man if you don't want to. 

    All the best dawn57104, it'll be okay. 

    • dawn57104
      dawn57104 cycad

      Posted

      Thanks Seanettle,

      I did see him for a while, for about as long as i could cope with it.

      I cut my mother out for that reason, i dont regret that at all. it does hurt that she comtrols my sister and i have limited contact with her and my nephews!

       

  • wayne1962
    wayne1962 dawn57104

    Posted

    Hi Dawn - sorry to read of your dilemma. I can relate. I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother from birth and it had huge ramifications in my life. My suggestion to you is to find a therapist/psychologist to discuss these issues with. The damage is deep and layered, and will take time to dig out and face. You will learn different to look at the issues from different perspectives and understand that you are not to blame. You will learn coping mechanisms and how to recognise triggers that might send you into a spiral of hopeledssness and depression. As for seeing your father, do that, but keep the converation on the trite and don't delve into the past hurt and the damage it's done. You are not strong enough for that yet. It's a case of not never, just not now. My repeated attempts to get answers were met with denials, threats, and, perversely, accusations it was my fault. One day I realised there was no answer she could give. It would never be enough. I had to find the peace myself and accept what had happened. These days, the situation is that I maintain contact and the matter is never mentioned. My twin (who was not abused) says she is sorry for what she systematically, relentlessly and deliberately did to me. I have realised she will never be strong enough to apologise or ever be able to make up for what she did, and I am good with that. What you do with your dad has to be your personal choice and whatever you are comfortable with. If he broaches the subject and you don't want that conversation, say so. Best of luck to you and keep us posted on what happens.

    • dawn57104
      dawn57104 wayne1962

      Posted

      Thanks Wayne1962,

      You got me crying now not a good thing while i am at work! I dont even know if i am ready to start the digging and face the problems, i am on week 6 of meds for anxiety and depression. Not many family members know that or understand how i am feeling either!

      My mother knew what was happening and did nothing about it at all! For that i hold her responsible! She allowed it to happen and to be honest she also had a part in it also!

      I cant change what happened i know that and i am trying to deal with it, sometimes it is just harder than other days. I do journal most of my thoughts. Think i need to get a smaller journal for my handbag as most thoughts happen when i am not at home! Typical!

      Thanks for all your comments and understanding, i did see him in the end but only for a while.

       

    • wayne1962
      wayne1962 dawn57104

      Posted

      Hi again, Dawn - sorry that I made you cry. I think Journalling is an excellent idea. later you will be able to look back at it and see the progress you have made. I have the same feelings about my father as you do about your mother - each of them stood aside and let these thing be done to us, so they do carry some of the blame. Family members can be infuriatingly insensitive about such things and I have found it best not to discuss it with them. They are often torn between what happened and the expectations of the parent/child relationship. Meanwhile, let the meds do their work and see how you feel in a few weeks. Perhaps then you can explore the options of therapy, but only when you are ready too. If not now then maybe later. Rest easy that the path is always there for you, next week, next month, next year - even the next decade. It's entirely up to you. Best wishes for your future.

    • dawn57104
      dawn57104 wayne1962

      Posted

      Hi Wayne1962,

      Apologies i have been absent for a while, just trying to deal with my thoughts and get my head straightened out. Not an easy thing to achieve.

      Still taking the meds but things dont seem to improve that quickly, i still have my bad days.

      thanks

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