Struggling to carry on

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hi all

I suffered from anxiety most of my life . Over the past 15 yrs I've been on and of anti depressants and diazepam. After sertraline sent me absolutely mental last year, my gp referred me to a physciatrist .

They declined the refferal 😬 so the gp swapped me to mirtazapine 30mg. After no improvement they increased it to 45mg. By the end of Dec last year my anxiety was at a all time high. I couldn't sleep . Strange rushing thoughts wouldn't stop entering my head and I started to think I can't carry on like this anymore.

I see my gp and he has added buspirone (buspar) 15mg to take along with 45mg mirt and again referred me to the psychiatrist .

This time they see me within 4 days diagnosed me with GAD and increased the buspirone to 25mg.

Along with Mirtazapine 45mg. This was 4th Jan this year. I've been waiting 6 months for cbt on the nhs. The psychiatrist has also referred me for cbt.

I'm in a total mess and I'm just left playing the waiting game....I received a letter saying that in due cause I will have another appointment with the psychiatrist to review my medication and If the buspirone makes no difference they will change it.

I have no idea how long I have to wait. Every day and night seem like an eternity. Diazepam is the only thing that stops me doing something stupid. I've told the psychiatrist I take it and he said that it is fine just only when I really have to. Yesterday was so bad I ended up taking 5mg at 6am 5mg at 1pm and another at 5mg at 6pm then 7mg of zopiclone at 12pm so I could sleep.

I don't take it every day . The last time I took it was about 4 or 5 days ago and that was 5mg.

I struggle to leave the house without having a panic attack.

In March im ment to be going away as it's my best mates 40th. Last night I decided to tell him i couldn't go and make up some crap excuse as to why. However when I arrived at his house the other 3 people that were going have pulled out so it's just me and him ..... so his relying on me.

I hate flying . I had my first ever panic attack on a plane. Fxxk I can't even leave the house at the moment 😕 .......

So I just thought I'd rant and rave on here , needed to get it out.

If you've read this far I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read it.

Wishing everyone the best



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9 Replies

  • Posted

    It's bloody hard waiting all you wanna do is feel OK in your own head its vile! To get through one day is a bloody chore big time hope things are better now!! All the best x
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  • Posted

    Sounds like your miserable, I have been there.  Maybe find time to listen to a guided meditation on youtube or a download?  It is amazing when you can go with out anxiety for even 5-10 minutes of the day! Then build on those little times of peace.  You can start CBT by searching online.  I wish you the best.
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  • Posted

    You can go the net and learn cbt from there. You can download a book o book on cbt. Mindfullness techniques are fantastic as well. So shildt you wait your cbt from a therapist you can hinestly start it yourself. There is also eft. So much on the net to self help these days.
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  • Posted

    I had brain surgery 3 years ago and after being on some heavy seizures meds and almost going crazy from them I started have anxiety. I got off those meds and now take xanax almost once a day at first it wasn't every day but over time I started needing more. It now causes my anxiety to be worse sometimes. I have learned some breathing techniques and essential oils seem to help a lot better than all the medications I've tried especially lavender. You are going to have to learn to deal with it to some extent. I don't know if there is anything out there as far as medications that is 100% effective. Try exploring some other options. Good luck to you!
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  • Posted

    Sorry things are so bad for you, i too have hit rock bottom and the mental health team are being useless which makes you feel even worse.

    I agree with CBT, there is a lot online and the way i see it is if these so called pro's wont listen or help me i can't do a worse job if i try myself.

    I hate being trapped indoors too, i went out this morning but struggled and i am only managing certain places so i know what a prison that feels like too but i am hoping that if i keep at it i can build it up a bit with time.

    But it can take a lot of time and mean very gradual goals, can you tell your friend the truth? It's not your fault you are unwell and feeling pressured and guilty will make things worse, you need to heal slowly, don't stop trying to go out but don't push too hard either or it might set you back.

    I take diazepam too, i do take it daily though and know it's not great but you do what you have to do to get through each day, well each hour to be honest because it's so overwhelming.

    Be kind to yourself, congratulate yourself for every positive thing you do and that includes posting here because sometimes even that takes a lot of energy and courage.

    I am having an assessment for online CBT on monday, it's nhs so it's free and my gp gave me the details so i could self refer, the wait was only 16 days or that, i don't know what is available in your area but you might be able to do that, there is a charity called mental health matters and you can find the number for your area if you google them, they have a lot of knowledge about which services are available in different areas so they might be able to point you in the right direction.

    Good luck,you are not alone with this x


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  • Posted


    Thanks for all your comments, they are very much appreciated

    I have tried to teach my self cbt. Even brought a book on cbt and a book on dealing with anxiety.

    Have tried many different breathing exercises.

    I have been paying privately to see a counsellor for the last two months.

    I thought about telling my friend how I feel, but I told one of my other close friends of 10 years about my anxiety / depression and he hasn't spoke to me since . That was three months ago.

    So I have reservations about telling anyone else.

    Writing on here is my only means of letting it out so Thankyou to you all for replying

    Best wishes to everyone


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    • Posted

      Sometimes just letting it all out can be a huge relief, i do it all the time especially on here.

      It's hard when you lose friends because of it, i had no choice but to tell a few of mine and only have one that has stood by me, the rest have gradually dissapeared.

      I really hope you are able to get an appointment soon to see the psychiatrist, sometimes you have to be so forceful to make them see how bad things are, i hope they don't keep you waiting too much longer.

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    • Posted

      If you tell friends that you suffer from disorders, and they are not accepting of you and your disorder.  My opinion, they are really not a friend.  I see a friend as someone who accepts you and your faults.  Seek out people for friends that will accept you for who you are!
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