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Well where to begin I guess. I have always seemed to not have it so good. I grew up alone as an only child. Most of you will judge the last sentence and assume I had everything as a child. Not so. I grew up without any brothers or sisters or company at all, and came to Canada from Portugal at 10 months old. My parents always worked, everyday. 4am to 11pm I would be alone everyday. Sometimes going weeks without talking to a soul simply because there was no one to talk to.
When I did see my parents I would get beat for everything. The way I ate my food one item at a time, instead of a little of everything on my plate on the fork. Doing my homework, but my writing was too big. Walking home with a person of another race... I never had birthday parties/presents or Christmas presents. For example the first day of kindergarden, the reaction of the children and the parents to being separated was very unusual and foreign to me as I stood there alone. I always knew there was something wrong, and I always knew that when I was able I would leave home.
I left home when I was 18 to go to College. I excelled in college and graduated at the top of my class. I found it hard to find consistent full-time work in my field and have been doing other jobs along with my own work on the side.
I have unfortunately worked for three companies in the last four years that have shut down and am living back home with my parents. I feel like a helpless little child again. Everything I plan falls apart. I'm reluctantly believing that I am never going anywhere in life. No matter how hard I try or work. I end up in the same spot; Helpless and Miserable. I have loads of "friends" but no one who will listen, they just want to talk. Seems like everyone around me already has that special friend, sister, brother etc… and I don’t belong or have anyone. When I think I’ve found true friend I learn my lesson again and again. I am almost 30 years old and I have nothing and no one.
I believe people misjudge me a lot. I guess I am an attractive introvert/agoraphobic which makes me look like a snob. I am so scared of being hurt because that seems to be all that comes my way. I spend all my time inside because nothing good happens when I go out. Even with a positive attitude I end up home in tears. I have been planning to move to England for awhile; Where exactly I’m not sure. However, the closer I get to saving to go, something comes up. For example I was attacked by my father two months ago and I’m at home with a torn AC on my left shoulder. I haven’t said a thing; I learned my lesson when I was 11 years old and my friends turned my father in. It didn’t go well… I have missed months of work and won’t be able to return for more then a month. Money to escape lost… Guess I will have to wait longer?? Again, slowing down and halting my plans to escape this once and for all. I am stuck and don’t see a way out. I have always been able to motivate myself. However, I am empty and have nothing left. I really do need someone to have faith in me. I get none from those around me. I seem to never meet anyone that will bring any positivity or friendship/kindness in to my life. I’m losing faith in humanity and good will all together. I’m really starting to believe that it doesn’t exist. At least not for me; and I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why. I feel like I’m falling apart and actually dying from the inside out. Hopeless and half dead already really.
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