Stuck Again

Posted , 3 users are following.

Well where to begin I guess. I have always seemed to not have it so good. I grew up alone as an only child. Most of you will judge the last sentence and assume I had everything as a child. Not so. I grew up without any brothers or sisters or company at all, and came to Canada from Portugal at 10 months old. My parents always worked, everyday. 4am to 11pm I would be alone everyday. Sometimes going weeks without talking to a soul simply because there was no one to talk to.

When I did see my parents I would get beat for everything. The way I ate my food one item at a time, instead of a little of everything on my plate on the fork. Doing my homework, but my writing was too big. Walking home with a person of another race... I never had birthday parties/presents or Christmas presents. For example the first day of kindergarden, the reaction of the children and the parents to being separated was very unusual and foreign to me as I stood there alone. I always knew there was something wrong, and I always knew that when I was able I would leave home.

I left home when I was 18 to go to College. I excelled in college and graduated at the top of my class. I found it hard to find consistent full-time work in my field and have been doing other jobs along with my own work on the side.

I have unfortunately worked for three companies in the last four years that have shut down and am living back home with my parents. I feel like a helpless little child again. Everything I plan falls apart. I'm reluctantly believing that I am never going anywhere in life. No matter how hard I try or work. I end up in the same spot; Helpless and Miserable. I have loads of "friends" but no one who will listen, they just want to talk. Seems like everyone around me already has that special friend, sister, brother etc… and I don’t belong or have anyone. When I think I’ve found true friend I learn my lesson again and again. I am almost 30 years old and I have nothing and no one.

I believe people misjudge me a lot. I guess I am an attractive introvert/agoraphobic which makes me look like a snob. I am so scared of being hurt because that seems to be all that comes my way. I spend all my time inside because nothing good happens when I go out. Even with a positive attitude I end up home in tears. I have been planning to move to England for awhile; Where exactly I’m not sure. However, the closer I get to saving to go, something comes up. For example I was attacked by my father two months ago and I’m at home with a torn AC on my left shoulder. I haven’t said a thing; I learned my lesson when I was 11 years old and my friends turned my father in. It didn’t go well… I have missed months of work and won’t be able to return for more then a month. Money to escape lost… Guess I will have to wait longer?? Again, slowing down and halting my plans to escape this once and for all. I am stuck and don’t see a way out. I have always been able to motivate myself. However, I am empty and have nothing left. I really do need someone to have faith in me. I get none from those around me. I seem to never meet anyone that will bring any positivity or friendship/kindness in to my life. I’m losing faith in humanity and good will all together. I’m really starting to believe that it doesn’t exist. At least not for me; and I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why. I feel like I’m falling apart and actually dying from the inside out. Hopeless and half dead already really.

3 likes, 10 replies

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hey Monica

    Sorry to read your story, we all have one to tell unfortunately sad it must be particular hard to deal with when you grew up with no support from your immediate family, i cannot imagine how difficult this must have been and obviously still is. I cant really comment on your situation other than i know similar feelings through my own mental illness. here is a good place to communicate with complete strangers who support each other best they can with comments and support so stick around herre with us...we will all be behind you 100% why do you want to move to the UK?? just a question, not being nosey...its not a pleasant place in my opinion...but i am Scottish....and we are miserble by design smile 

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    • Posted

      That's what I'm hoping, to at least speak about it and let it out. I know it's not healthy to keep these feelings inside; They are just festering. I have always wanted to move back to Europe, England has been a plan for the last few years when I came to realize I could start a business that’s in demand there. I am an artist as well and would like to paint there. I grew up and often still do go to Toronto and know my far share of rude people… lol Your last comment makes me automatically think of Trainspotting smile lol Thank you for the kind words
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    • Posted

      hey Monica, how are things now? i liked your comment about Trainspotting but we aint all like that lol! Edinburgh is a lovely city with many great icons to draw, do you paint certain things? portraits or landscapes etc? i draw myself but only in pencil or charcoal. art can be very theraputic i find. hope you are well
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    • Posted

      I bit better, been finding new projects to release my stresses and anxieties. I'm from Europe myself and know most movies are exaggerated smile lol for example Twin Town is another fav of mine where I’m sure the town is lovelier then mentioned. :p Art is my therapy, it works very well. I’m mainly a drawer/painter of animals and people. You can find me at ________ twitter & FB Page on website. I’ve reached out today on FaceBook on my personal page by joining a few groups on agoraphobia, anxiety and depression. I feel I am on the right track and feeling better. Slowly but surely, thank you for your concern. smile May I ask what do you like to draw?

      Emis Moderator comment: I have removed the link as it was to a site unsuitable for inclusion in the forums. If users want this information please use the Private Message service to request the details.

      http://patient.uservoice.com/knowledgebase/articles/398331-private-messages

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    • Posted

      Lol sorry was blocked. You can mind me on FB - Monica Margarida Art if you need to talk. I don't like this site much and wont be here to chat or check on posts. I have found groups there that are full of people and you can talk without waiting long for a response, left alone with your anxieties. Take care and hope to hear from you!
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    • Posted

      hi Monica, thanks as always for the message smile i dont draw many things but if i do they ar usually dark....grim reaper, graveyards, skulls etc. hardly ideal for someone who is depressed eh. i had a look on fb for you but couldnt find your page. hope you are well 
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  • Posted

    Hi Monica, gosh, I am s sorry that your life has been so lost and lonely..... you must be a strong person to have survived.. never give up hope of finding a way out...... is there any one at all that you can turn to.? Your doctor, a friend perhaps another relative? You really desperately need some support from somewhere..... is there possibly any job that you could apply for that would involve travelling, to help to get you out of this awful situation.... your family should be ashamed of their actions and treatment of you... there will be someone out there who will love and care for you, never, never, ever give up !! You will be in my thoughts and prayers, big hugs to you, very warmest and sincere wishes to you, Deirdre xx
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    • Posted

      Hi Deirdre that is very kind of you, and very much appreciated! <3 i unfortunately don’t have a family member to turn to; and each time i think i’ve met a friend in passing. it’s a wolf or predator in sheep’s clothing. making me more untrusting. it will sound strange but i always knew that i wasn’t home. the happiest i ever was, was when i was in college far away and free. god, so happy. unfortunately the friends i made from that time are not a good influence. seems like nothing around me has any good to offer. i will have to find my home, not wait for happiness to come to me. i thank you for you kind words and wishes, motivates me to keep going. thank you! smile i="" unfortunately="" don’t="" have="" a="" family="" member="" to="" turn="" to;="" and="" each="" time="" i="" think="" i’ve="" met="" a="" friend="" in="" passing.="" it’s="" a="" wolf="" or="" predator="" in="" sheep’s="" clothing.="" making="" me="" more="" untrusting.="" it="" will="" sound="" strange="" but="" i="" always="" knew="" that="" i="" wasn’t="" home.="" the="" happiest="" i="" ever="" was,="" was="" when="" i="" was="" in="" college="" far="" away="" and="" free.="" god,="" so="" happy.="" unfortunately="" the="" friends="" i="" made="" from="" that="" time="" are="" not="" a="" good="" influence.="" seems="" like="" nothing="" around="" me="" has="" any="" good="" to="" offer.="" i="" will="" have="" to="" find="" my="" home,="" not="" wait="" for="" happiness="" to="" come="" to="" me.="" i="" thank="" you="" for="" you="" kind="" words="" and="" wishes,="" motivates="" me="" to="" keep="" going.="" thank="" you!="">>
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  • Posted

    Dear monica, could you apply to come to England on a work visa ? I am sure that you are very intelligent and have much to offer...

    It must be wonderful to be artistic, ( my grandfather was a marvellous painter ) I am unfortunately totally useless at any kind of art... you could maybe paint portraits of people, and also apply to get a grant for a university here... BRIGHTON NEAR LONDON has an excellent university with a very good art degree course.... never give up on your wonderful dream, I am sure that it will become a reality for you.... try every avenue you can think of to travel to other countries in Europe... let us know how you are, I wish you all the luck in the world young lady, very,very many good WISHES to you, please take good care of your body and mind.... DEIRDRE xxx

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    • Posted

      Thank you Deirdre smile I will look into that area. I'm done school; I just want to get inspired. Meet good people and start anew. luckily I was born in Portugal and came to Canada when I was young. I have gone back to Portugal to update my citizenship a couple of years back when Social ID's etc were changes in Portugal. I am upto date and free to live where I please in Europe, thankfully. It is were I am from and where I want to return! smile
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