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Well where to begin I guess. I have always seemed to not have it so good. I grew up alone as an only child. Most of you will judge the last sentence and assume I had everything as a child. Not so. I grew up without any brothers or sisters or company at all, and came to Canada from Portugal at 10 months old. My parents always worked, everyday. 4am to 11pm I would be alone everyday. Sometimes going weeks without talking to a soul simply because there was no one to talk to.
When I did see my parents I would get beat for everything. The way I ate my food one item at a time, instead of a little of everything on my plate on the fork. Doing my homework, but my writing was too big. Walking home with a person of another race... I never had birthday parties/presents or Christmas presents. For example the first day of kindergarden, the reaction of the children and the parents to being separated was very unusual and foreign to me as I stood there alone. I always knew there was something wrong, and I always knew that when I was able I would leave home.
I left home when I was 18 to go to College. I excelled in college and graduated at the top of my class. I found it hard to find consistent full-time work in my field and have been doing other jobs along with my own work on the side.
I have unfortunately worked for three companies in the last four years that have shut down and am living back home with my parents. I feel like a helpless little child again. Everything I plan falls apart. I'm reluctantly believing that I am never going anywhere in life. No matter how hard I try or work. I end up in the same spot; Helpless and Miserable. I have loads of "friends" but no one who will listen, they just want to talk. Seems like everyone around me already has that special friend, sister, brother etc… and I don’t belong or have anyone. When I think I’ve found true friend I learn my lesson again and again. I am almost 30 years old and I have nothing and no one.
I believe people misjudge me a lot. I guess I am an attractive introvert/agoraphobic which makes me look like a snob. I am so scared of being hurt because that seems to be all that comes my way. I spend all my time inside because nothing good happens when I go out. Even with a positive attitude I end up home in tears. I have been planning to move to England for awhile; Where exactly I’m not sure. However, the closer I get to saving to go, something comes up. For example I was attacked by my father two months ago and I’m at home with a torn AC on my left shoulder. I haven’t said a thing; I learned my lesson when I was 11 years old and my friends turned my father in. It didn’t go well… I have missed months of work and won’t be able to return for more then a month. Money to escape lost… Guess I will have to wait longer?? Again, slowing down and halting my plans to escape this once and for all. I am stuck and don’t see a way out. I have always been able to motivate myself. However, I am empty and have nothing left. I really do need someone to have faith in me. I get none from those around me. I seem to never meet anyone that will bring any positivity or friendship/kindness in to my life. I’m losing faith in humanity and good will all together. I’m really starting to believe that it doesn’t exist. At least not for me; and I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why. I feel like I’m falling apart and actually dying from the inside out. Hopeless and half dead already really.
3 likes, 10 replies
paul30710 Monica86
Posted
Sorry to read your story, we all have one to tell unfortunately it must be particular hard to deal with when you grew up with no support from your immediate family, i cannot imagine how difficult this must have been and obviously still is. I cant really comment on your situation other than i know similar feelings through my own mental illness. here is a good place to communicate with complete strangers who support each other best they can with comments and support so stick around herre with us...we will all be behind you 100% why do you want to move to the UK?? just a question, not being nosey...its not a pleasant place in my opinion...but i am Scottish....and we are miserble by design
Monica86 paul30710
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paul30710 Monica86
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Monica86 paul30710
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Monica86 paul30710
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paul30710 Monica86
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deirdre._03652 Monica86
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Monica86 deirdre._03652
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deirdre._03652 Monica86
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It must be wonderful to be artistic, ( my grandfather was a marvellous painter ) I am unfortunately totally useless at any kind of art... you could maybe paint portraits of people, and also apply to get a grant for a university here... BRIGHTON NEAR LONDON has an excellent university with a very good art degree course.... never give up on your wonderful dream, I am sure that it will become a reality for you.... try every avenue you can think of to travel to other countries in Europe... let us know how you are, I wish you all the luck in the world young lady, very,very many good WISHES to you, please take good care of your body and mind.... DEIRDRE xxx
Monica86 deirdre._03652
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