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I do not want to be alive.. I want to be dead.. but I cant just kill myself .. I just stay alive unhappy and wanting to die all the time and hoping that I get a terminal illness or have a heart attack and just pass away.. I spent the whole of 2018 eating sweets and rubbish hoping to die.. I put on 4 stone but I'm still here.. but if I was suicidal wouldn't I just do it ?
and I'm so annoyed with myself that I cant just do it.. i hope that one day i do .. it's sad cos whenever i read articles about people who have committed suicide i am sort of jealous .. that they could and i couldn't.. obviously it's sad that they did but why cant I just do it.. my cousin did like 10 years ago ..
yeah it broke his family, his mum is still really affected..
but our family is different.. no one would be surprised if I died .. and I'm not feeling sorry for myself but they wouldn't be affected by it .. not for long anyway .. I'm a proper burden, I'm 35 and back living with my mum and her husband I have nothing.. no friends no job i never go out .. it's a wasted life.
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