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I know suicide is labelled as a 'permanent soloutions to a temporary problem' but i feel like it is the only way i am going to be at peace with myself. The last few years of my life have been hell and no matter what help/suppport/medication i get its just not looking up. I've had the overwhelming urge to harm myself lately but i dont want to get back into self harming to feel better. I feel like im being punished for something and no mattter how much i try to put it right or apoligise its just not good enough and i will never be forgiven. I cant bring myself to eat and sleeping is becoming a burden again. Talking to my parents is simply not an option and i dont have any friends since i dont have the confidence to be around people and dropped out of school. I dont want to hurt my family by leaving them but i need to do whats best for me, right?

Im pretty alone and scared right now and having someone to talk to that wont judge me for feeling like this would be a great help.

Thanks, T x

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29 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi T

    There's not much more I can say that the others haven't said already. I suffer from MDD and was put on Valdoaxan - might as well been put on smarties. Every morning I wake up wishing I wasn't alive. So I know how you feel. 

    Suicide IS one of your options. People can become so low that the feeling of not having to cope with your thoughts is appealing. It takes a lot of guts to figure out a way to kill yourself in a way that won't cause you pain and won't fail - it would be worse than anything maybe suffering brain damage after a failed attempt. But it's your choice and those who say 'please don't do it' have no idea of your thoughts.

    You sound quite young - probably at an age where the transition into the next part of your life is daunting. Maybe a factor, maybe not. What I do know is that severe MDD is more likely at certain times in life - the time you are going through and the time I am going through and a few more.

    So am I going to commit suicide? If I had a £1 for every time it's crossed my mind I could affort a brand new BMW 5 series (black) - it might keep me happy for a couple of weeks. The answer is no. Because I'm older I know that life grinds forward and some how things happen that make life that bit better, at least for a while. It's the knowledge that life changes, sometimes when I least expect it that keeps me going.

    I think you mentioned life is hell no matter what help/support/meds you are on. I think there is good support, such as a counsellor who can connect to you and bad support. It's worth asking for a change in support - it's a long shot but you may meet someone that connects with you.

    I'm not a big fan of meds - despite trying most of them. The medical profession doesn't fully understand why depression occurs - drugs are hit and miss - maybe increasing some things, reducing others - if it works, sell it, even if it's not understood why it works. One thing I do know is that meds are not a cure and quite often can make you feel worse. There's no answer to that except keep looking for a medication/dosage that helps.

    Without sounding like I have all the answers (definitely don't) I do know that happiness can only come from within yourself, not what happens around you. There's maybe a couple of things that can help. Goal setting and achievement is proven to improve mood. I'm not talking about climbing Mount Everest. Even set one goal per day (such as walking the dog) and gradually work up to a list of achievable goals you can focus on each day. Unfortunately the CBT offered today is 6 x 2hr sessions. Depressed people can't do that. However, training your mind by focusing on one negative thought at a time can be a powerful tool - e.g. everytime you think 'I hate my life' change this to 'my life is not great but it will improve soon' One way of refocusing is by doing something that gives benefit to others. Spending a day volunteering to help animals, elderly people will take your mind away from yourself and may also lead to new friendships and connections. 

    There's nothing else to say. Taking your own life is an option despite the heartache it will cause to others. The alternative is to keep trying to improve your life, not through meds but through some of the things discussed above. It's important to divert your focus away from yourself and more towards other people. None of this is easy - it amazes me how poor badly depressed people are treated - maybe we are decades behind due to the stigma attached to mental health. Small steps in making life changes, understanding why you feel the way you do - instead it is more cost effective (in the short term) to keep swapping one med for another.

    It's your choice - but remember that life does move on and there will be times when you will find happiness, there may also be times where you are depressed again. Understanding this and some of the small steps you can take to help isn't easy but is the better option (in my opinion)


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    • Posted

      What a superb posting, David.

      Life, is a roller-coaster journey and no-one sails through it untouched, although we think others do, when we are depressed.

      I do agree that volunteering is a way forward and will help you meet people. 

      Can you imagine how you would ruin people's lives if you committed suicide?  Don't make them feel the way you are feeling.  

      Keep seeking help and join some group.  Meetup is an excellent organisation and has groups for so many things but you really have to be near a city.  RVS is always looking for help and all the rest of the charities.

      I do think that the antidepressants messed with my brain so going down different avenues.  it's not easy but nobody promised it would be.


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    • Posted

      I agree about antidepressants messing with your head as that is my experience to. I'm in the procces of coming of mine it's very hard though I'm feeling like death at the moment but that's what I expected as I have been on them for 30 years so my brain has to get used to coming of them and I know I will get worse before I get better
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    • Posted

      It's now about two and  half months since I came off. First week or so I felt great and had so much energy then I went down the slippery slope and I'm still trying to climb to the top.

      I, really, need to deal with what or who, is causing it, before I can truly get better.

      I'm reading self-help books so fingers crossed.

      There is a good forum, with a lot of support called. Coming off Citalopram : (  so why not have a look?

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  • Posted

    I am with you my friend i actualy tried last year but my body spat the toxins from my body out.

    A lot of things happend along the way i found anger is useful for supressing depression for a while it may help to think of depression as a virus you must destroy that way your anger will be the dominant emotion,and anger can be a good motivator.

    Be careful not to preasurize your self this line of thinking of not hurting your family is preasurizing you,not to be cold but this is about you not your family and you should remeber that.

    As far as friend go i had people who i hug around with but as soon as the depression hit they were no were to be seen so to the hell with them i will be your friend besides no one else who has not encountered what depression is could ever real under stand it including doctors as in my experince.

    One step at a time my friend do not be your own critic be your best friend instead.

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  • Posted

    I've suffered from depression for thirty years, never had any benefit from anti-depressants, cannot think of any good that they ever did me, frankly, wish I wasn't here.
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  • Posted

    Hi T,

    I have felt what you feel like for a while too, I keep thinking that it's best for me to go, to end this pain that I'm in but I can't bare to think about what I am going to put my family and friends through as I have just seen what a sudden death has done to them, never mind a suicide.

    I have self-harmed since the age of 13, I still do sometimes, depending on how low I am and how I am coping.

    I genuinely don't think suicide is the answer, I'm not going to say I haven't thought about it, because I have.

    But I have recently come to realise, you're here for a reason, you have a beating heart for a reason.

    You will have folk around you, that care for you, that won't want to see you in pain.

    You will always have someone on here to talk to, because we all feel the same or something similar.

    I also find that if you're thinking really bad thoughts, having an elastic band around your wrist and snapping it when you think you will do something, is a very effective way of snapping you out of that mental state.

    If this doesn't work for you, try other methods that is listed online, you never know, you'll try anything, right?

    I wish you all the best, and if you want a chat, I shall get back to you as soon as.


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