The slowest snowball effect ever.

Posted , 3 users are following.

I’m not sure where to begin. I don’t know when it started. But the past week when no one is around and I’m by myself in my room all I can think of is how much better it would be if I wasn’t here. As the past few years went by I’ve more and more introverted. For a short time I was drinking a lot by myself. 

A short background about me I’m 37 years old looked at as a strong leader always (mostly because of my exterior and a fearlessness I’ve had since a teenager). I was in and out of jail from 13 to 23 and decided I never wanted to go back so I went to college and I’ve been on a straight and narrow since. I never graduated just found myself in a ton of debt. I’m always working very hard. See I’m African American so I work with a chip on my shoulder. No matter what it is I make sure I’m the hardest worker. Unfortunately that doesn’t do much. Your still barely able to eat. My family use to look at me as an important member you know trust me to always show up when needed. And I do. But something changed. It’s like they all look at me like a loser now. I look at myself like one so maybe it’s just mirrored. I even went on my first vacation a few months ago. It was nice for 4 days. I thought that would help me get back to my old confident self. I was ok for about a month but slowly things got worse and felt worse. I know I’m different. I know I’m not like everyone else. It’s so embarrassing  feeling this way. Thinking that if I just disappeared all of my problems would go away. If I just lived in the forest some where by myself I would be fine. I didn’t expect my life to be this way. I didn’t expect to be alone for so long without a pot to p**s in. I didn’t expect to struggle the way I do. To work harder than everyone I know but have so much less. I’m tired I’m only 37 I know there’s more. But I don’t think it’s for me. It scares me that I’m posting this because it makes the way I feel real. Was I abused? No. Was treated wrong by a loved one? No. Is my financial situation terrible? Yes but I know I can manage. I don’t know what happened. Sometimes I think maybe I’m going crazy. Maybe there’s really something wrong with me upstairs that needs to be fixed. I just want to feel like myself again. I want my life back and I feel like I can’t get it. And if I can’t get it why exist at all? I’m sorry for the rambling but I’ve never shared this with anyone. I’m not even sure if I should of posted it here. Hopefully I didn’t offend anyone by doing so. If I did my apologies. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Dlyke1981 - you certainly couldn't offend anyone with that post. First of all i sympathise with the difficulty you have being an African American in a society where your people have been a constant target of the bigoted, the racist, the angry who just want to blame someone, and the horror of being treated with endless suspicion by those in power - I'm thinking of the outright murder of young black men and women by authorities with guns who seem to be able to murder with absolute impunity - and then lie about it. Enraging.

    Second, Good On You(!) for making a change in life in an attempt to change things.That takes enormous courage and maturity.

    Third, it sounds as though you are battling depression which can strike anyone at anytime - rich, poor, black, white, fat, thin - it does not discriminate. It can be caused by a situational event that creates trauma, a selection of events that pile up on us, and/or a genetic propensity to depression that runs in the family. Depression is not something you can think your way out of. It affects the chemical balance in the brain and the way to balance that is through medication. While taking medications - they will take 3-6 weeks to work - it is advisable to see a therapist/counsellor or psychologist to discuss what is happening in your life, dig out any issues that may be causing the pain, and learn coping skills and new ways of thinking to help recognise and deal with any triggers.

    First thing to do is to make an appointment with the doc, relate what is happening, how you feel etc. Meds will likely be prescribed. These are tools to help and usually are used for a relatively short period. You will feel better on them, but it is important not to just ditch them when you are because that can cause a spiral downward that can be dangerous. Always discuss any adjustment of meds with your doc - sometimes the dosage may need tweaking or even a new more suitable replacement med be tried. If talking about what you are feeling is difficult, keep a notebook or journal where you can write down your feelings and take that with you to the doc.

    Ask the doc for a referral to a therapist/counsellor or psychologist if you think there are issues to be discussed. That professional will provide a safe, secure, private environment where you can vent, weep, rage, and spill anything you wish. No-one is judging you. It's a situation where you are guided to discover things about yourself, to find solutions to problems, and where you can arm yourself with the skills to deal with any future issues.

    Lastly, you don't have to tell a soul what you are doing. It is a sad fact in this world that some people react with fear when faced with information about someone who has depression and/or anxiety. On the other hand, if you have a safe someone with whom you can share what you are suffering, then that would be helpful. But if not, don't distress. Most of us have no-one and can manage ourselves quite well. If you take action, you will get results and will find some peace. Depression is not something to be ashamed of - it is an illness that will escalate in the future because of the unrealistic expectations placed on us in world that just seems to get harder as the years pass. Remember you are not alone and we are ALWAYS here to talk. Go for it.


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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for the response. Being that I really never talked about this with anyone just this post alone has helped. I guess having some sort of outlet would be the first move. Meds is not something I’m  against but it is a last resort. I’ll see a few doctors (I have trust issues with those guys so I need more than one) and see what alternatives I should take. My question is should I go to my primary care doctor first or seek a specialist like a psych doctor?
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    • Posted

      Hi again Dlyke1981 - yes, i would suggest seeing your primary doc first. He/she will be able to refer you to a responsible specialist. Good luck with the journey.
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  • Posted

    Hi I know its hard to think when your mind is so confused , life is hard enough and knowing what to do with it is just as confusing, one good thing is you have a great family and no abuse , but where you come from seems to be an issue and it shouldn't be, you should be proud, I have lots of nationality in my family I think its great makes me different, and if you do suffer with depression it has to be dealt with and yes like me I hate drugs but they can help, but I prefer alternative medicine and there is a lot out there, you just have to find the right one for you, valerian is great for calming you , and its natural, go to places like Holland and barratt have lots of stuff to help depression, and exercise is fabulous, keeps the mind healthy and the body, so I hope I have helped a little take care

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