Posted , 3 users are following.
I’m not sure where to begin. I don’t know when it started. But the past week when no one is around and I’m by myself in my room all I can think of is how much better it would be if I wasn’t here. As the past few years went by I’ve more and more introverted. For a short time I was drinking a lot by myself.
A short background about me I’m 37 years old looked at as a strong leader always (mostly because of my exterior and a fearlessness I’ve had since a teenager). I was in and out of jail from 13 to 23 and decided I never wanted to go back so I went to college and I’ve been on a straight and narrow since. I never graduated just found myself in a ton of debt. I’m always working very hard. See I’m African American so I work with a chip on my shoulder. No matter what it is I make sure I’m the hardest worker. Unfortunately that doesn’t do much. Your still barely able to eat. My family use to look at me as an important member you know trust me to always show up when needed. And I do. But something changed. It’s like they all look at me like a loser now. I look at myself like one so maybe it’s just mirrored. I even went on my first vacation a few months ago. It was nice for 4 days. I thought that would help me get back to my old confident self. I was ok for about a month but slowly things got worse and felt worse. I know I’m different. I know I’m not like everyone else. It’s so embarrassing feeling this way. Thinking that if I just disappeared all of my problems would go away. If I just lived in the forest some where by myself I would be fine. I didn’t expect my life to be this way. I didn’t expect to be alone for so long without a pot to p**s in. I didn’t expect to struggle the way I do. To work harder than everyone I know but have so much less. I’m tired I’m only 37 I know there’s more. But I don’t think it’s for me. It scares me that I’m posting this because it makes the way I feel real. Was I abused? No. Was treated wrong by a loved one? No. Is my financial situation terrible? Yes but I know I can manage. I don’t know what happened. Sometimes I think maybe I’m going crazy. Maybe there’s really something wrong with me upstairs that needs to be fixed. I just want to feel like myself again. I want my life back and I feel like I can’t get it. And if I can’t get it why exist at all? I’m sorry for the rambling but I’ve never shared this with anyone. I’m not even sure if I should of posted it here. Hopefully I didn’t offend anyone by doing so. If I did my apologies.
1 like, 4 replies