Things are going pear shaped!!!!

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Been sent home from work twice this week, had emergency appointment with gp twice this week. Spoken to Samaritans goodness knows how many times over the past few weeks. Very frank discussion with one GP about identifying my body which he wouldn't like to do. Been given 40mg propranonol to help my migraines. He's given me 28 pills and said he trusts me but did debate this. It is not actually raining so thoughts of going on a very long walk....alone in the hills... take...Oh I just don't know anything anymore. I'm rambling now, will get my walking boots on and see what happens? X

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  • Posted

    No, please try find a way to carry on. Go for your walk but try to find something nice about it - a bird, a tree, or maybe a cat. Keep trying to tip the scales back onto something positive. You might as well because taking your own life might cause the greater laws of nature to send you back to earth to try again see! So, let mother nature choose the right time and just carry on, facing each day - and this life wont last forever anyway. That's how I try to look at it. 

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  • Posted

    How are you feeling now?
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  • Posted

    Thanks, I had a good long chat with a lovely lady from the Samaritans, got up and went for a long hard up hill walk, really pushed myself, took a few diazepams, to feel shot away, took other meds with me but didn't take them, sat by a fast flowing river away off track and just sat listening to the sound of the water I find it hypnotic. Wandered back to my car and just sat listening to the birds. Home sat in the garden for a while. Got to get organised for work for tomorrow, dreading it. The Dr I saw on Friday advised me to go to work on Monday as it is for the best, helps to keep me occupied. Not really sure how I feel blank, empty, tired still intrusive thoughts also as if I am not here. This happened last week, it was as if I was in a film watching myself. Oh well tomorrow is another day, i just wish this life won't last forever!!! . I wish you all well. x

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    • Posted

      The feelings you have now won't last forever.  You did the right thing by going out in the air and getting exercise to keep your mind occupied maybe just on walking and watching. 

      That depression monkey sits on your shoulder (like mine) and whispers into your mind that this is how you are going to feel the rest of your life.  It's NOT.  The monkey lies.  You're having some down time and I'm glad the Samaritans gave you some comfort.  Keep in touch with them.  If you tell people how you're feeling they are usually understanding and want to help.  Let them help. 

      Going to work is a good thing even if you don't want to.  Keeping yourself busy even if it's just busy work keeps that monkey from getting thru with those negative thots.  I feel encouraged by your post.  You actually got up and went out (more then I can do at times).

      Keep strong -- my best wishes go out to you.

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    • Posted

      Good on you tina89895. Thanks. Yes, nature/walking generally restores my hope as well. It's good that you have the Samaritans and the will to persevere. Hang in there, a lot of us are hanging in there really, I can see that, so you're not alone on the journey. All the best and keep reaching out. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina.Well this my third attempt to write to you.The first two I accidently hit the wrong button and it deleted what I wrote while I was typing.Anyway what I want to say I hear you and don't give up.I've been in the mire for 10+ months now and I wish I could give you some brilliant advice but all I can tell is that there is something better,we just haven't found it yet.I've been battling IBS/anxiety for 20+ years(I'm 54,in the US) and depression off and on during that time(although it was only diagnosed over the last few months).I've gone to docs,counsoler,massage therapist,new meds,old meds weaned away,etc. and I'm still fighting to get back.THe only thing that has gotten me thru is I've finally gotten a real relationship with God,for the first time.I started that journey 15-16 years ago and a first it was good,but then "religion" kicked in and the last few years I've just been going thru the motions.Church,Bible study,prayer group,outreach(which I really like and still do),etc.,but not much passion.Just trying to get a passing grade from the big guy.THen when I crashed I turned to Him and maybe for the first time found Him.And when He showed me my life,yikes what a mess.Now i'm slowly very slowly starting to actually get a relationship with Him and learning to let go of everything,but that's the hard part,to let go of everything,maybe lose everything and everyone(or at least a lot of the people you are close to) to get there.It's hard to get out of your comfort zone.But what kind of comfort is it really when your constantly in pain physically,mentally,emotionally,spiritually.But man I just have trouble giving up my way of life,my house if it comes to that,my cats,my job,my family and friends.What happens if I lose all that?! It's scary as hell.Right now He's telling me that that's not what He wants but maybe down the road I might have to make some tough choices.Like He said "Give up everything you have and come follow me."Oh please guide me where you want me to go,but please don't make it to hard is the way we always approach it.I realise I've just to let go and let God.Stepping out of that boat is scary though!! Sorry I went ramblin' like that sometimes it just good to spill all your blood out to everyone and realise your not alone in the struggle.And you are not alone.Keep going Tina.Hope is the very best thing.Especially that unseen Hope.Because there's Love there and that Peace that passes all understanding.If I could just find it.I know it's so close!! Hang in there Tina.DON'T EVER GIVE UP!!! Prayers and Love your way!! God Bless You,Bob

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    • Posted

      Hi Robert (Bob)

      Thanks for persevering and writing your reply goodness only how many times sorry you  are finding things hard but glad you have found some hope or glint of light with God. i'm afraid i do not believe so that is no good to me but glad it./she/he is helping you.Don't you give up you will get there with god's help i'm sure.

      been suffering yet again, been like this for around 3 years, got psychiatrist appointment on Friday so see what she comes back with, not expecting much as Dr had to contact her to arrange this appointment.

      Still bad thoughts, can't give up for now as my sister is coming to visit in a few weeks time.

      Fed up, feel rubbish, hallucinating of spiders and things out of the corner of my eye running across the table,  disappearing under the settee, scares the s**** out of me.

      just got to get to Friday then off work for a fortnight, so can stay in bed for a while until sister visits. Having really weird dreams do not know if related to new meds but Dr tomorrow, sorry i;m rambling again. You take care and keep believing. good luck Tina. 

      frazzled I struggle to go out but get so angry that I think stuff it and just go in anger. been warned by my boss that work cannot be used as a mental crutch by the medical profession as unfair on other members of staff so unsure who is pressing his buttons obviously from higher up so stuff them. sorry if rude or abrupt but been on the sauce yet again as really fed up and so I won't go out driving as went a bit too fast last night due to bad day.

      Hey ho still here keep going. take care everyone out there shame to it was a very high tide tonight so that is why i stayed in. I.m not a gambler but I'm sure my numbers will come up soon as the odds are getting shorter. xx

       

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    • Posted

      Hi Tina,Sorry it took so long to reply.I only have a computer at work,so sometimes it takes a few days.No worries if you don't believe or have a God right now. It takes time to find Him and when your ready He'll be there.I know it's rough,this weekernd was kinda rough for me too.I slept until almost 4pm Saturday.Well I really only slept until about 11am and sorta just laid there talking to God and sorta dozing here and there until 4:00. I just felt so safe there on the couch realatively pain free.I had a big meal of not really good food late the night before and the IBS that I have took a beating.Then I felt guilty about lying there that long when there was stuff to do.Also last week the guy that helps me at my job was off all week,so I was crammed with work(I did get some help from one of the guys in the office) and I went to see a holistic doctor Thursday night and heard what she does for you and her "team" does for you.She is an MD as well and the amount of tests they do really is extensive and they take all your history your family history what you've been going thru,your mental,emotional,physical,spiritual,physicalogical state etc.The only problem is they are out of network.I'm in the US so that means my med insurance won't cover her fee which is $550,but will cover some labs.I do have a Health Savings account to draw the money from but that's really going to put a dent in it,but I sort of have no choice because I'm not getting any better.I see my counsoler tomorrow who recommended her so I'll talk about it with her,too.So by Saturday I guess I was just wiped out.And the Lord did put it in my heart when I was feeling guilty about lying there like a slug to"be still and know I am God" so maybe it was what I needed,i don't know.As you see I tend to over think things.Hang in there.Unfortunately for us each day seems to be an adventure.I wish I could just get to feeling better to an extent.It doesn't have to be perfect or "normal",whatever that is,but more like I used to feel.But I trust the Lord is pushing/guiding me where I need to be.Just don't believe that your odds are short,you can make it.Remember Hope is the best thing,especially the Hope that is unseen.Just let go.Even though you don't believe the Lord is still working to get to you,so you keep on fighting!!! Don't listen to the lies of the enemy because he is good for that.It happens to me ALL the time.You are beautiful and are very special.We all are because the odds that we all were even born are probably a trillion times a trillion.I mean think about it.It had to be that exact sperm fertilizing the egg,not any other of the tens of millions that were there.Then your mom and dad had to be doing it right then,then your mom and dad had to meet in the first place instead of some one else,then your grand parents had to meet and do it at the just the right moment to create you parents then you great grand parents,etc.You get the idea.Every one of us is really a miracle and no accident.SO Tina the MIracle you don't give up!! Love your way! You are in my prayers.God Bless You and watch over you and protect you from the liar.YOU ARE LOVED!! Bob

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  • Posted

    Sorry for the ramble but not functioning properly xx

     

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    • Posted

      Hi Tina, been on the sauce myself tonight, don`t know if it helps or not, it makes me happy for a while but then I get really down. I have had depression for 20 yrs now and yes there were times when I felt like ending things just to get away from the pain but realised that those I would leave behind would suffer more than I ever did. I take one day at a time, if I feel semi ok then thats a bonus but if I feel bad my temper takes hold. I have recently been diagnosed as bipolar so it explains the highs and lows but when my sister died last year I realised how much I really wanted to live even though my life was s**t as there were others who needed me so I get by from day to day and my family understand that if its a bad day I will stay in bed as it feels like my safe place but on good days I can chat to others, not many as I am a bit of an introvert and prefer my own company. I dont work as it became too much for me and the feeling of freedom from pressure was great. Don`t give up Tina as we were all put on this earth for a reason , it just takes time to realise why, you are loved and needed by others but you need to let that sink in, so keep living and one day you will realise life is not so bad . You take care and look after yourself.

       

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  • Posted

    I'm totally loosing it today at work the is no one to talk too that I trust I am at the point of walking. So back to the drugs again I suppose. Thoughts of self harm to cope that might help to. Sorry. Everything I touch seems to go wrong.

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    • Posted

      Hi Tina, sorry that your day is going so bad for you. I was just wondering how you take the propranonol 40mg. Do you take it a one dose or spread it out over the day. Some people who take it for anxiety find it helps to spread out the dose and it helps them get through the day and lessens their anxiety. I know you said you got it for migraine but since anxiety brings on migraines it helps with that too. Can your doctor arrange for you to get counselling as I found it really helps to offload to someone and let the tears flow . I have counselling every week and find it really helps and I will do it for as long as I need it. Take care.
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    • Posted

      Well survived yet again took 5mg diazepam to calm down, few cuts I know not a good idea but it helps. Attended my Dr's appointment review today told her since taking the propranonol which I took first thing in the morning 40mg in one go as advised. I have been having really vivid, weird colourful dreams some nightmares, waking with cramps in my legs which were numb too, So now told to stop them and been given 25mg Amitriptyline to take at night. Now I've been reading that people put on weight with these I can't face that as have only lost a stone after stopping mirtazapine over a year ago.

      Counselling i am not allowed to see the psychologist until I have done a stepps course which should or suppose to help me control my emotions/feelings etc it is usually for people with borderline personality disorders so then stable enough to cope with stuff. Hope this all makes some sense.

      I wish I could talk to someone about all the things that have been suppressed for most of my life as assessments bought a lot of stuff up. anyway I'm still here.

      i am really glad that you have found a great counsellor that you are able to see weekly to work through stuff and I hope that it will help you get things sorted in your life so you can at last get on and enjoy your life. 

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