This feeling ruins my life... is this kind of obsession?

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hi people, I'm 20 years old female and have been to psychiatrist but I'm ashamed to tell him these things... I find myself having very low self esteem and I wish I was more confident like I was few years ago. i can describe myself as a private person and often don't talk with my friends about what I like to watch, listen to or something like that and I have always been this way. But I love people and love becoming friends. My biggest problem is feeling guilty and ashamed. I'm introvert as I said and I like ''talking with google'' and reading a lot of forums about different things, opinions, problems and questions (even if they are weird or have nothing to do with my opinions)... even searched every though that came up to my mind. (like Yahoo Answers, different blogs..) but one day I though of ''What if people can see what I googled ever? Long time ago? Some weird opinions from other people(i don't actually agree with)..? Some random questions? What would they think about me? Maybe they would think I'm bad person for searching things like that... (even the random questions I have searched are NOT what I REALLY THINK about something or agree with, it's just about my curiosity). When this came up to my mind, I became extremly paranoid and feels like eveyone knows what I have looking at or reading or whatever... I have feeling that people hate me all the time and that they know every my step... The worst is feeling that they know some things about me that I don't even know... (i know it's weird but can't help it). Like they know who I truly am but I don't. In reality, my close friends and family knows that I'm not hating anyone, that I'm open minded and wouldn't discriminate anyone in any way, love to helping people... and at the end of the day I know that I am like that. But on the other hand I FEEL like I'm wrong person, because my thoughts can be very weird sometimes and I hate myself for that... I can't forgive myself for my thoughts and questions in my mind that I typed on internet and I know this can be funny to some people, but I feel like everyone knows it and they hate me. Sometimes I'm feeling like I'm not myself and feels suicidal. I have heard that this can be some form of ocd but i don't know because I simply can't get rid of these thoughts, every day I'm waking up with them,falling asleep too, can't concentrate on anything, can't talk with people but not feeling paranoid or anxious or like they hides something from me... I can't live normal life, I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm avoiding myself happiness in any way. I'm crying every day and when I'm home alone I simply scream and cry... What can I do?

1 like, 15 replies

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15 Replies

  • Posted

    And my biggest questions is should I hate myself for my thoughts and these things?
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    • Posted

      You've already had some brilliant responses, and we all are here with you - every step and every day angel xx

      Did you want to write down what you've been searching on the web? I can assure you it's nothing we can't handle...

      If it makes you feel better, just do it.

      I only found this site because i was suicidal that night, and it really does feel SAFE on here.

      Tell us your worst and we'll be with you, you've been so brave already, write it down and it becomes less serious, yes? xx

      P.s. If poeple have the time and reason to investigate us then wtf??! We're not exactly a threat to national security, we're just trying to figure stuff out! xx


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    • Posted

      Thank you so much! <3 Well, I don't actually remember a lot of things I have searched because it was like last year, I have had simply become very bored and just surf on the internet as well. But I know there were random sentences like ''I hate.... (something or someone)'' or very negative feelings about something, some things that I DON'T ACTUALLY feel, it was just from boredom and curiosity... (I wanted to know why would someone hate/do something etc). But If some of my friends see it, they would think I'm actually that way and I know this all may sound stupid. Depression makes me see all negative and guilty all the time.

      I'm glad you are here with us <3 And I hope you will only get better! You seem very kind and understanding person <3

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    • Posted

      smile Thanks sugarplum. I love this forum for the people on it, the "normality" that you all offer is so reassuring xx

      If we can make anyone feel better, we feel better ourselves, i think! It's such an insular world, depression, but on here it's nothing to be ashamed of!!

      Is your head still really busy with thoughts today? xx


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    • Posted

      Well, I actually feel lesser guilty about my thoughts these days smile ? but i dont like my low self esteem and feeling like people would know my every "mistake". I often feel like people are against me and are hurt or feel "grossed" about me for some reason... and that "some" reason I want to find out.. but everything i feel bad about are my thoughts and searching on web and maybe thats why i think they would know about it. As I said, im introvert and maybe it has something to do with, but I feel anxious when my friends want to "know me better". I often feel like they are ruining my own self or they wants something/some information from me. And when i say to them something i like, enjoy or love i feel like they dont believe me at all. Maybe i dont trust myself, i feel like i actually hate everything i love and love everything i hate, that im living in some bad lie or joke. I even dont feel like a person. Every time i go somewhere I feel strange because i dont know who i am... i just want my life back so bad. And always overanalyzing everything someone said or did to me is stressing me too. I find it obsessive. Its not from boredom, its obsessive. I hope i will get better... I was on Zoloft and it helped me somewhat to my mood but my fears didnt go away. Thank you again!?

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    • Posted

      When I'd finished my cognitive behaviour therapy ALL the thoughts like yours that I used to have too, went away. The reason is that you learn to rethink your feelings/reactions/thoughts in a much clearer way. It takes a lot of effort, but you end up being able to judge yourself in a much more practical, and kinder way.

      When you have no-one to talk about those scary feelings everyday, it's very stressful, and you are your own judge - and you know you are a negative judge! It's not your fault because you / we suffer from depression!

      Try to remember that No-one Can Hear Your Thoughts  xx

      Also angel, if you can try and see that your friends wanting to know you better is a good thing, a compliment, and spend a small (your choice how long) amount of time with them, even if you just listen to their stuff and not tell them yours, it would be really good for you! 

      Lots of love and keep sharing xx


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  • Posted

    Hi Brandy,

    Sorry to hear about your struggle. I can totally emphasis with how you feel. Depression can be a short term affair for some or a life time affair for others. Unfortunately I am one who has endure depression and low self esteem for around 35 years of my life, I am now 53.

    Just like yourself I have been a my own worse enemy, putting myself down blaming myself for irrational thinking etc.

    What I can assure you of is everyone has impure thoughts even weird and sometimes quite gross thoughts. This is a quite natural and the perfect analogy is the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Just remember you are in control of how you react to these thoughts.

    I like you am also an introvert. It is only in the last few years that I discovered what being an introvert means. Basically an introverted person get their energy from activities such as spending time alone, reading, deep inner thinking and even acts of kindness towards others.

    An extrovert get their energy from being around lots of people socialising, talking in large groups etc.

    About people looking into what you have searched on Google etc. Please don't worry yourself. You will find the larger percentage of people are too wrapped up in their own self importance and their own life problems to give others the time of day let alone spend energy pursuing another's interests etc.

    I have learned the hard way. Have been caught up in crime, drugs and spent 15 years of my life in and out of prison. I am very over sensitive emotional and wear my heart on my sleeve.

    With age your brain will naturally mature. Passageways will join together activities will smooth out and you will become a much more relaxed and humble individual.

    I hope by me sharing some of my experiences with can help make your suffering a little easier Brandy. My heart goes out to you. God bless.

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  • Posted

    It is important that you talk to your GP and Specialists they offer you. They are there to help and instruct you on coping skills. 

    Life is hard and complex, they will also listen to you and point you in the best direction to control your fears and depression. I know it can be hard to talk to strangers about your Life, However the people who you need to trust are there to help and understand any earlier problems you may have

    When it comes to the internet we all need to take care, I would suggest on some sites you never wear your heart on your sleeve.

    We are always around to talk


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    • Posted

      Thank you!❤ i agree with you and i even never POST (exept this) my personal stuff on web...but SEARCH something personal... and the feeling guilt about it is worst thing to me.
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