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Hi people, I'm 20 years old female and have been to psychiatrist but I'm ashamed to tell him these things... I find myself having very low self esteem and I wish I was more confident like I was few years ago. i can describe myself as a private person and often don't talk with my friends about what I like to watch, listen to or something like that and I have always been this way. But I love people and love becoming friends. My biggest problem is feeling guilty and ashamed. I'm introvert as I said and I like ''talking with google'' and reading a lot of forums about different things, opinions, problems and questions (even if they are weird or have nothing to do with my opinions)... even searched every though that came up to my mind. (like Yahoo Answers, different blogs..) but one day I though of ''What if people can see what I googled ever? Long time ago? Some weird opinions from other people(i don't actually agree with)..? Some random questions? What would they think about me? Maybe they would think I'm bad person for searching things like that... (even the random questions I have searched are NOT what I REALLY THINK about something or agree with, it's just about my curiosity). When this came up to my mind, I became extremly paranoid and feels like eveyone knows what I have looking at or reading or whatever... I have feeling that people hate me all the time and that they know every my step... The worst is feeling that they know some things about me that I don't even know... (i know it's weird but can't help it). Like they know who I truly am but I don't. In reality, my close friends and family knows that I'm not hating anyone, that I'm open minded and wouldn't discriminate anyone in any way, love to helping people... and at the end of the day I know that I am like that. But on the other hand I FEEL like I'm wrong person, because my thoughts can be very weird sometimes and I hate myself for that... I can't forgive myself for my thoughts and questions in my mind that I typed on internet and I know this can be funny to some people, but I feel like everyone knows it and they hate me. Sometimes I'm feeling like I'm not myself and feels suicidal. I have heard that this can be some form of ocd but i don't know because I simply can't get rid of these thoughts, every day I'm waking up with them,falling asleep too, can't concentrate on anything, can't talk with people but not feeling paranoid or anxious or like they hides something from me... I can't live normal life, I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm avoiding myself happiness in any way. I'm crying every day and when I'm home alone I simply scream and cry... What can I do?
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