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I try to watch tv and listen to music to get the depression off my mind but it all feels like a chore now. All I can think about is how I feel. It's like my world has turned COMPLETELY inward. every day, all day is spent analyzing how bad I feel and trying to think my way out. I have Facebook and I'll be scrolling looking at posts about people overcoming hardships in life and my depression/anxiety gets worse in that moment because I feel like I don't experience life like a normal person. My only hardship is my mind right now. And I hate that more than anything. I would love to have normal stressors in life but it's like I don't give a f**k about anything about how bad my mind is crippling me. As soon as I wake up, I make a point to check on how I'm feeling, and of course when I ask myself, my heart starts pounding and the cycle begins all over again and I'm depressed. I don't know if it is anxiety that is turning into depression or vice versa. I think I mentioned in another post of mine that my mental health only went downhill after I started taking Depo Provera... I'm not sure if that even matters, it's just odd how all of this happened after I took that stuff. I took 5 doses over the span of the last 2 years. The first emotional side effect I had from it back in 2015 was EXTREME anxiety. I have never experienced anything like it. And over the past 2 years it has turned into a dark, dark, soul crushing depression that I'm not sure I'll ever come out of. I have overanalysed what's wrong with me so much that it is ALL I think about, it is all I feel. Please tell me how to save myself? This is no life at all... I want to do things like lose weight, start taking care of my appearance, but my mind tells me those things won't matter if my mind is slowly deteriorating. I don't know wtf is wrong please help.
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