Posted , 5 users are following.
ok for starters i always wake up feelling depressed even though this is nothing new to me it deffinatlly ruins my day and kina changes my facial expression.By that i mean having a sad face or angry face feels complettly natural to me its as if its my neutral facial expression. moving on before i step outside the door i kinda hessitate of fear its like an adrenalline rush but fear instead as i know the moment when i step outside ill get stared at and the thigh is no matter how hard i try to relax i always end up getting stared at and this is almost every person i walk past it makes me feel like a complete iddiot which i have no doubts i am. durring my moment of hell i somehow manage to get to school without having a heart attack which feels like a miracle to me. once i get nearer to the school i go through the gate that has the least amount of students hanging around as i know they too will juge me in a negtive way. once am inside the school building i quickly go to my close friends in this case yahiya and we talk which kinda makes me relax and feel ok but this oviouslly dosent last long as when the bell rings i get another adrenaline rush of fear as i have to go to form which is also another hell for me as every place with people i dont know or not close with is. so when the bell rings i make my way to form with a friend because i feel a little less awkward rather then walking by myself which i cant do due to the fact that people will juge me on how stupit or retarded i look or act. which pains me because am just scared. anyways when i finally get to form i feel terrfied because theres a lot of people their and i get this feeling that everyone there think am retarded which makes me feel extremmly nervous to an extent that i begin to sweat get a headace and my heart starts to beat as if i ran a marathon. the thigh that scares me is that everyone notices how retarded i look and ask if am ok which makes me even more nervous its like a never ending cycle of hell. and often when a teacher is explaining stuff on the board ill stare at the table as i am too scared that she also will juge me in a negative way if i have some courage ill look at the board for a few short seconds and look away but i often see people wondering why am staring at the table which then they make their assumptions on me thinking am crazy which is completlly false because am terrified to look at the teacher and others. this is typically what i deal with everyday and i cant take it.
3 likes, 5 replies