To worried to call the mental health team

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hi every one again tonight I've hit the wall lacking the ability to see past my problems

I tend to not want to think about thinks but they just pop in there anyway. I like to think o understand why etc.

The good thing is I don't feel like killing myself but the scary thing is I tend to plot meticulously in great detail how to get revenge on those that have wronged me not in a physical harming way but in a way very deprementral to their lives.

I have figure out several full proof plans and am struggling with the thoughts of why I shouldn't carry these acts out I tend to surprise myself with the way the plans are so full proof and I worry about it I kinda scare my self I can't go to the Drs and explain it in fear that they will be thinking omg he's really thought this through and it would work I'm not an evil nasty person at all although I am really struggling to find a good reason I've found myself reading the bible etc in search of help in the theory of turn the other check but found I prefer the old testimont and am more an eye for an eye I'm worried if I tell anyone they are going to put me away or something and I fear that would make it worse I see the people that have wronged me walking round without a care in the world and I'm stuck in a rut because of them I fear I'm full of resentment and I'm not sure how I became capable of having these detailed thoughts

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    I wonder am I sick? is it normal? Does it happen to everyone? What would people think if they knew? I feel pure hatred and want to exact a form of revenge so great they wished I'd died when I tried Christ I wish I'd died when I'd tried I can't stop the thoughts it's amazing how detailed they are and yet I am not trying it's like it's being fed to me I know I sound like I'm crazy that's exactly my point I think my mind asks questions and then gives itself the answers in a heartbeat like problem solving as it creates the ultimate plan to cause the most devastating results I don't want to hurt them physically I can't stress that enough but I do want them to suffer in the most awful way I want their lives to be upside down shamefully I want them to sit and ponder on the value of their lives and weigh up whether it be easier to go and top themselves I want them to feel what I've felt

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  • Posted

    Hey,

    It's been a little while now you wrote this, are you okay?

    I wish I could've been there for you while you were in the moment. I know how horrible you must be feeling. How confused and lonely. I just feel you through your words so much, which is a good thing, as it means you can express yourself verbally and make sense. You are not crazy. Stop calling yourself crazy, even though you may very well feel that way, I think it does more harm than good, putting a label like that on yourself. Trust me, I do it all the time.

    How are you feeling now?

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    • Posted

      Hi I'm sorry everyone I had to run away fishing trip was much needed to get me away from the situation I'm rather impulsive and have been know to act on impulse and so I decided to turn off my phone and just zone out I don't take any meds currently as I have said in a different chat I had the person that wronged me was and ex partner and she used medical information to set me in a deep state of parsnip therefore I feel unable to go to the GPs as it's all documented I complained to the trust about her actions and whilst they tell me they investigated it she has told them she opened my file to check my date of birth they excepted that and have told her off that's it I mean cmon how stupid are they this is a partner I was with for 5 years and they believe she had no other option than to go onto my files to find that out and so she's got away with it Scott free it's a joke really I'm left in ruinings God sometimes I wish I could bring myself to shock the world and hurt her but I'm more of a grab my fishing gear and run away if this were a man we were talking about I'd already be in jail for sure

      She has brought out the worse in me and I'm trapped to do anything about it if I go to the Drs to get help it enables her to gloat on my misery I'm not about to hand fed her or let her know I'm losing the fight really I do not forgive I do not forget and I do not lose

      Thanks for everyone's comments

      Mike

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  • Posted

    I have never done this myself, but have heard about it a few times. You write letters to the people who wronged you detailing what you would like to do to them so they would experience the suffering they caused you, but you never mail them. The idea is  to transfer the dark thoughts from your mind to paper and let them go. These thoughts are causing you to suffer again.and again from the wrongs committed to you. Are you taking any medication for your depression? I have been taking meds since July 2015 that have given me my life back. I hope you will find peace of mind. You deserve to enjoy life.

    Take care,

    Phyllis

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  • Posted

    In the distant past I have felt the same way, and have considered the best way to get back on some one who has done me wong. Now I seem Just to move on from somethng like this.

    Yes when younger I did manage to show people who had done me wrong the error of their Ways. Now I feel being that vindictive just makes me much worse.and the planning and skeeming just makes me more flustrated and upset. I now just want to move on and learn from experience. They never get a second chance and if someone has lied that in my eyes is a problem made by them as you can never trust a lair and you are better off moving on and make new friends and become more selective in those you meet

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Hi Bob thankyou so much you have given me so much good advice over the dissicions and concerns I've raised now and in the past I don't feel I could/should right things down I mean it's not a thing I'm proud of but I've been in trouble before with the law and I've been know to be rather impulsive if I did flip out and do anything that even resembled what I'd wrote I may as well sign a confession it was premeditated and of thought out for example I'm normally not some one that walks away from confrontation at all shamefully I love to fight I quite enjoy it and I was emailed a threat from her really I don't know how to describe this man lets say to be polite (kitten like guy) I flipped out and told her I'll kill him when I see him she as informed me he was drunk and trying to protect her feelings (nice that I know) but the insult sits heavy with me now if I wrote down how much I'd love to cut his face off for the insult and completely humiliate him for the pure message that it sends out I'm afraid if I flipped saw him and carried those actions out the police would have full documentation of my intention to do this wouldn't go down very well at all it's the difference between a year in jail and an 10 year sentence

      I bet your thinking what a fruit loop now but allow me to explain I have always lived a life where you don't run from confrontation in fact I once was in a home and three boys came round to beat me the staff member there told me to go out and beat them because if I ran away he could do more damage to me than they could he wasn't going to look after a whimp I had that most of my upbringing so altho ppl will frown about me finding it very hard to let his message go I find it very difficult

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    • Posted

      I have a terrible temper when I am provoked. I usually express it verbally and not physically. I prefer to be express my anger by cutting someone down with  words. I can be very nasty and occasionally feel bad later if my rant really appropriate to the situation. However, I did slap a young woman once who pushed me too far and I really lost it. She actually phoned the police. They realized she was outif control, but I did physically assault her. No action wa taken and the police just warned both of us. I am only 4 feet 10 inches tall and weigh a little over 100 pounds. Not being schooled in any martial arts or self defence techniques, it's really not wise for me to go on the attack. I find it very hard not to respond with anger when I am betrayed or treated unfairly. I try telling myself that they win in a way if I react, but that rarely works for me when I get my dander up. Kudos to you for going fishing. You didn't give her the satisfaction of knowing she got to you. You won. Well done.

      Take care, 

      Phyllis

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    • Posted

      When I was a kid my Fathers attitude was very much kock their lights out. I leared to box, Now I am a pesioner I just look for the easy way out and dam the rest.

      With me I travelled in the Middle East and Central Asia, I saw many nasty things and that put me in a more peaceful place, after a time I became disabled and have matured

      BOB

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  • Posted

    Hi Superfluous - I can relate to your rage. I was in a situation where multiple persons ganged up and turned my life upside down and inside out. They alndered me everywhere - to government bodies, the courts, the neighbourhood - all over the place. Why? Because I was there; because they had done the same to several persons before, over a period of 13 Years; and because they were allowed to - they were never stopped. This happened from 2008, and I battled the attacks for 3 years. It took me a couple of more years to fight to retract the slander they had spread all over the place. I ended up leaving my neighbourhood. It was the most traumatic, relentless horror I have have endured in my life. As a writer, I made sure the nightmare was well documented. In the end I intended to write about what had happened - although up to this stage it is still too emotional to sift through the thousand or so documents that describe my story - there is so much I had blocked from my recall. There would be sequel to that first book, a work of fiction where I exacted revenge on all the protagonists. As of this point I continue to block what has happened so I can survive with some semblamce of sanity - perhaps better off than two of their victims who killed themselves. The perpetrators are still free in society, merely moved on to attack whoever has the misfortune of being in their sights. I consider the matter unresolved and feel that there will be some place in future - either in this life, the next otr the next hundred - where there will be some balancing of the scales of justice, karmic or otherwise. Meanwhile, I avoid thinking about what happened as it agitates the hell out of me to reflect on the deliberate cruelty I endured just because I was there. In conclusion, might I suggest you write about your revenge. It will put it where it won't ruin your life. The problem with acting on thoughts of revenge is that always leave a trail, and we cannot anticipate what twist if fate might bring it all undone - it can onlt take a loose bolt to bring down the whole plane. Also could I suggest that, as violent as the bible is, "an eye for an eye" is akin to "you reap what you sow" in other words, It's a karmic thing where all energies are balanced out. Best of luck quelling your rage - it's such a difficult weight to bear, especially when one has limited avenues for redress. 

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