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Today I am work off sick. Why? I'm not actually "ill" (in some people's eyes), it's because I cannot be bothered. Today, is a beautiful sunny day where I am, and I've closed the curtains and curled up under my duvet. Why? Because it depresses me that I can't be bothered to enjoy it and it doesn't make me feel great like it used to.
Today, I finally said enough's is enough. I admitted to my partner (while crying my eyes out), that I can't be bothered to go to our dear friends this weekend (I can't be bothered to make conversation); I told him I don't want to go to a fancy do in May (I can't be bothered to look for an outfit, because come May I don't know how much more weight I will have put on - I look awful as it is now and I'm ashamed). I told him that I didn't want another child as I don't have the energy to look after our beautiful 18 month old son that we tried 9 years for, and to have another one with the way I feel would be cruel! I also told him that even if I wanted another child, I didn't want sex. I cruelly told him that if he wanted to leave me for another woman he could, because I've convinced myself that if this feeling carries on, he will go elsewhere. He was shocked and hurt. He even cried with me. He said I am beautiful and that I'm just tired after having our son and also grieving for my dad who died a year ago. He said that's 'normal'.
But he doesn't see my hair down the plug hole after I've washed it, or my patchy, flaky skin on the floor after my shower. He doesn't hear me in the night when I wake with terrific pains in my hands and arms. He doesn't hear the thoughts in my head when I just want to run away. He doesn't see me crying during the day when I look at my little boy having to play on his own, because I'm too tired to get my increasingly large bottom off the sofa to have fun with him. He doesn't see me fall asleep on the toilet, or on a few occasions at the wheel of my car!
Today I told my mum that I couldn't go on (I feel bad at that because she's only been a widow a year, HOW SELFISH AM I!).
Today is the start of getting myself sorted - I never even considered I may have an underactive thyroid!! (to be honest I used to think it was an excuse larger ladies used who couldn't stick to diets - sorry, there's offense meant there). Today I needed to know what might be wrong, so I went on the Internet and typed my symptoms into the search engine(tiredness, numbness, no sex drive, weight gain, etc)and this website came up. I've read every single comment. I don't know whether I am happier knowing that there maybe be a diagnosis and that I'm not going mad or becoming a manic depressive, or unhappier now knowing that if I am diagnosed with an underactive thyroid, how difficult it can be to manage this even with treatment.
This is the nearest thing to how I am feeling, so I hope you understand why I have gone and on and on. I hope some of you relate to it as it's been good to get it off my chest, and will push me further into getting help. My doctors appointment has been made. Thanks for listening... and keep well! x
[i:c99be10ff9]This message was automatically imported from the original Patient Experience[/i:c99be10ff9]
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