Too much to cope. Questioning existence

Posted , 8 users are following.

I have a history of anorexia and depression. I recently had the opportunity to persue the career of my dreams and go on a course. I discovered i was pregnant though and left the course...only ot suffer a miscarriage. since then i have had to move home and persue the career my family wants. I feel like i have lost everything. my partner ha been so supportive however as he is in the career of my dreams it makes it hard to speak to him. I feel i have lost everything. my family are rejecting me, i have lost my dream career as i dont know if ill finacially be able to go back, ive lost my baby, my new adult life, all gone. I came off antdepressants when i discovered i was pregnant which hasnt helped. i feel physically ill achy tired. i cant fight ith my mind anymore i feel in a deep pit of thoughts and feeing that are torturing me and tearing me apart. i panic constantly shaking heart palpitations crying feeling sick. its consummed my everything and i dont want to be here anymore. i feel at a crisis point. i want to starve myself again,to die sowly on the outside awell as insde. i want to hurt myself,punish myself for losing everything again. i have nothing to live for. i cant bear the thought of living a life i dont want. i feel disgusting, inadequate, a waste of space, angry and like everyone would be better without me.i just dont know how to carry on. my babys gone, my innocent baby why them and not me?!! i am a horrible person and i dont deserve to be here. lease hep im at a complete loss and dont know what to do.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Firstly you are not horrible and you do deserve to be here, end of, no argument, you are a human being and have the right to life, simples ! 

    I too have struggled with depression  and tbh been in crisis until this week, if there is anything I can say it is to hang in there, seek help through your GP ie counceling or meds,

    You can do it, I believe in you as will many others on here *hugs * x 

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  • Posted

    So sorry to hear about your loss and you have every right to feel as low as you are feeling. I have suffered with depression since my teens, my last bout has been since jan and only now I am starting to feel more positive. I too tried to starve myself coz I just couldn't see myself feeling any better. I am now on mirt, venlafaxine and olanzapine and it has got better for me, it does take time. Do you feel envious coz your partner is doing the job you want? All the feelings you have got, I had exactly the same feelings. You need to talk your feelings through and go back to the course you wanted to go on and do something for yourself. I never thought I would feel better, I lost 2 and a half stone and really didn't want to live. When you feel so low you really can't believe it's going to get better but it does. 
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  • Posted

    Hello Dance4life I have struggled with depression all my life. I'm just the opposite I eat and eat I have also said to myself more than once why am I here I'm useless I am a nobody I really didn't have any friends because I never felt like socializing. I was like you never felt good I was so tired mentally trying to fight it. I know also when we are in this kind of state of mind nothing anyone says will help because its not we wanna hear. But there is a reason why you are here it took me many years to realize that. When I was reading about you situation it broke my heart because I know how you feel. But please listen to me it can and will get better depression is a miserable and mental draining sickness. Have you considered getting back on your meds? A lot of praying and refusing to feel this way has helped me a lot please don't give up.
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  • Posted

    And also I want to say so sorry for you loss.
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  • Posted

    You are not a horrible person some times life can throw some terrible traumas our way, it seems you have had more than your fair share. You need support and if going back to your GP will help it might be a good step to take. Your grief for your baby is so traumatic. Have you been offered any kind of support or councelling? You have to ask yourself what is the most worrying thing that is more prominent than everthing else that has happened to you, and then try to sort one thing out at a time not trying to make everything go away all at once is going to happen. Take strength that you are talking about your feelings,dont bottle them up. Sorry I do not have a magic wand. please take care you are a special person. Jackie
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  • Posted

    Hi, i am sorry for the loss of your baby and i think this is the straw that broke the camels back as they say. You have had a build up of losses your career being another. Go back to your GP you may need your meds back and i would ask for Counselling. Your anorexia is a form of self control, it's the only way you feel you can control your life. You have every right to live a life worth living you just need help to see this. You couldn't control the loss of your baby and that has caused you considerable pain.You are not a horrible person you just feel that has you have no self worth and you are full of self loathing. You are not to blame for anything. Please seek help you can fight this, keep talking here if it helps as people here can support you and encourage you, don't give up.  
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  • Posted

    Thankyou so much for sharing your story & how you are feeling, just really want to encourage you & let you know that you are definitely not alone in what you are thinking & feeling. 

    I've been in that hopeless empty dark place & really feel & understand what it's like. . The most important thing is to realise that you are not disgusting or inadequate but that you are doing the right thing by posting this & 'talking' about how you feel!! You are s o worth it. By sharing your thoughts you've helped mien my struggle with very strong depression/ suicidal ideology this last week & reading you , I know that I'm not alone! 

    Just don't give up on yourself. B w

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