Trying to resist my thoughts, but I cant lie.

Posted , 2 users are following.

Hi, me again. How are you all???

Had a bit of a doom day (again!!!). Its more the self torture, the guilt, the dread and the fear of what I am and what I will become. I feel like I am allready living in my wooden box, as I cant let anyone in. I think these meds work, only if you are in the right enviroment to help you on your road to recovery.

What I wish i had done, was not bloody well drink ,and gone to a GP at an earlier age, so I would not be in this mess or had the messy times that Ive had. Instead you just struggle on in silence, so folks , one good thing has come out of it, and thats admitting I have a problem , even though it makes me feel more gutted than usual. But hey at least the weather is brightening up.

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy,

    u saying u think u have a drink prob, Katy, well i have pondered personally for a long time now, dont know if its paranoia or what but i really worry wot i drink, i could polish off easily 10 units a nite and function well at my job and life, its way too much, but i can go without if im driving etc, but i do drink almost every day, yeah, i suppose i have some sort of dependancy? but at the mo i deal with other probs and im bouncing in life, dont get me wrong i have turned to it when hitting pitfalls and , Katy if drink affects your functioning then u have to do something to rectify that, i aint preaching to u, coz i do nowt, god , i feel awful sounding patronising to u, Katy, u deserve some sort of peace , take step by step, look i may be ok at mo but i fear i may fal off again, ive always had a bead relationship with drink, i feel in control sometimes but really it controls me more if i openly honest, ive spoke with my gp, shes great, ive said i dont want to live without it but manage it better, some people cant, hopefully i can drink just 2 cans a nite and have a blowout now and then???? who knows??? but the drink at the mo isnt having a depressive effect on me like it did, so i can rationalse alot more. Katy, if u recognise it , big big step, next one is do somthing to help yourself...............Katy, i may have made big strides lately but i dont ever forget how ive felt and may do, i still dont deal with things the way i like, and yes drink has do and will do make me cope, u r not alone, but we can all help each other, like Melbi and Stilman have posted many a wise word, we are all here for each other, to help when ever...........we may never meet but hey lets hope through a keyboard we can all help each other, Katy, we are all here, mate, im waffling now and yes ive had a couple of beers but got a hard days work tomo..................love to all ja x

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  • Posted

    Hi ja, thank you for takin your time to talk to me about it. i put my arms in the air and openly admit to my GP and father/mother/sister about what I consume. for my dad and my sister, if I dare quote them\"it nothing\", for my mum, its sh*t, why?

    Ii drinl to help me relax about things. I drink so that I can sleep and not doing my head tosses. i drink to help myself understand others, and to calm me down. I punish myslef alot for the things that have happened to me in my life. Like my sister syas, its my fault I let everything go so far, its my fault I did not move out quick enough, and its all my fault for being in this situation I am in now. my guts are throbbing and I feel stressed tonight. I would stop drinking if I could fell confident, less inadequate, less guilty. )its not like Ive murdered anyone, but i feel like I am such a dissapointment on my family. i will never be able to reach to their standards, i feel a loner here, but yet I really love my mum and I know I have what she calls her best interestes at heart, But , yawn, boring, i am fed up with being told what to do, could I not just for one day take the world on board and tell them what to do, lot of , oh nevermind.....bossy boats.

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  • Posted

    Hi TT

    Katy how come you're so hard on yourself? Is it actually like your sister says - all your fault?

    Forgive me if this sounds blunt but are you happy for her to judge you so harshly? Few people live perfect lives. We all do things that seem right at the time but maybe don't turn out like we hoped. We can all look back and say I should have done this, or that at a given time but life doesn't work like that. You play the hand you're dealt right or wrong.

    It just seems like the people close to you aren't helping by always being critical of you.

    It's easy to say, but no one can make you feel inferior unless [u:9f9bfdb4da]you[/u:9f9bfdb4da] let them. You're a good mum - a good person. You don't judge, you're accepting of people. You have a right to be here just like everyone else and to be happy.

    Please try to be kind to yourself and recognise the good in you.

    Sleep sound and best regards.

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy

    Stiltman is right, you are a good person, an amazing mum to cope with looking after your children while going through this torment. I was lucky that when I was at my worst my son was old enough to fend for himself if necessary and he was a great support to me so see how strong you are looking after your children. I too drink way too much and use it as a crutch, I know I shouldn't but hey nobody is utter perfection. I am trying to cut down and some days I'm really good but if I'm a bit stressed I sometimes give in. Don't be too hard on yourself Katy take one day at a time. I'm sending you some teddy hugs like you once sent me.

    Take care Katy

    Nicky Jane x x

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  • Posted

    Its FRIDAY!!!!!! Yeah!!!!!!Thanks Nicky Jane, Stiltman and Ja, still mad though, and still really dizzy. Daft heart keeps racing, and Im not doing anything.

    I have a 60th party tomorrow......which is good as my mum want let me drink,,,,,

    Kids messing up the house, but I just dont care...Go for it girls!!!!!

    I feel so lonely, but okay. You lot, jolly me along this ////time!!!! Thank god someone is!!!!!

    As she walks in the room centred and tall, hesitated once more, as i take on myself and the bitterness I feel, White horses, they will take me away, and the tenderness i feel will send the darkness underneath. Through the glory of life I will scatter on the floor disappointed and sore. In my thoughts i have planned with the riddles and thoughts Ive planned. White Horses, they will take me away and the tenderness i feel will send the dark underneath.

    Bye bye for now, take care, Katy

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