Under pressure from my mother to have children

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Hi everyone,

I know that this is going to sound weird but please bear with me.  I got engaged last December and told my mother that myself and my fiancé aren't that bothered about having children.

She can't understand this and is of the view that I won't feel complete unless I have children.  I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion but she won't drop the subject and seems to think that she can persuade me when to change my mind when I'm quite okay with it.  I know that part of the reason that she wants me to have a child is to fill a hole in her life. I can't have it out with her as she has mental issues and I'm equally worried about the affect that her reaction would have on my father.  It has got to the point that I really don't want to be in the same room as her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Well don't be in the same room with her. You have to live your own life and not be ruled by what your mother wants. It would be quite natural for your mother to want to have grandchildren and whatever you say is not going to change this natural desire in your mother. Maybe your mother can satisfy this desire by helping with young children in a school. Just my ideas on the subject.
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    • Posted

      Hi,

      Thanks for replying to my query.  Sorry, I should have explained, I am living in Dublin and she is based in the country.  She has two grandchildren already but they are living a good distance away so she doesn't see them very much as my sister doesn't get on with her at all. 

      She seems to be  of the opinion that she could influence me more than my siblings and get her way.  I don't want to upset her but I just want her to back off a bit as this pressure has been going on for the last 10 years.

       

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  • Posted

    Tell her you might decide to have kids after you're married. Might is not a promise. That will get her off your back, and it is perfectly true, you MIGHT one day decide to have kids. If telling her you probably won't have kids has got her into an anxiety state and made her badger you constantly about it, then put her anxiety at ease, and get yourself off the hook.
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    • Posted

      Hi,

      Thanks so much for replying.

      I really like your thinking and think that your approach is the best one.

      Thanks again.

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  • Posted

    Hello my sweet, sorry to hear your worry about your mum and also your dad?

    you are your own special person and you have your choices that are yours alone...

    you choose to do whatever you really want to do' as it is only your choices that matter as this is your journey in life and nobody else's? It's not your mums job to tell you what deep down she wants for herself? I have 3 children and there is nothing i would love more than grandchildren, my daughter who is almost 40 has never wanted any, i have never said anything to her only that it is her choice". If my sons ever have kids then i will see it as a bonus and wont interfere when I can have the baby to spoil? I'll be grateful if i can be a part of the little ones life.

    i chose to have my children when i was young' i planned having kids when i was one myself.!!....

    i have suffered depression . Anxiety and am just about to have counselling, but i have handled some of my worse moments when ( mentally ill) i was'nt mad or round the twist..... Dont let anyone try to make you feel bad sweetness.... This is your life, your rights to decide what you may or not want....... X

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    • Posted

      Hi,

      Thanks so much for your reply and for being the voice of reason.  

      She has a dominant personality and seems to think that I could be influenced because I'm very quiet by nature.  I did tell her recently why I don't want children and she seemed to accept it for a while but now has started off again - basically its in nearly every telephone conversation.

      I have been dealing with a functional cyst on my left ovary and am due to undergo a hysteroscopy d&c in August.  She has now got it into her head that the d&c will impair my fertility.  It doesn't matter how often I tell her that it is a simple procedure she just chooses not to believe it.  Sorry for the rant as it wasn't intentional.  Stress levels are elevated at the moment to the point that eczema has erupted on my hand.

      I'm sorry to hear about the tough time that you have had and I do wish you the best of luck with the counselling.

      Look after yourself and take care,

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    • Posted

      Thankyou for your kind words,. It is a difficult situation for you? Be strong my love and do what you want my sweet....

      I have for most of my life been a people pleaser .... No more as people can be so very selfish and when you have realised what they are really like? I have felt so hurt.

      I always think that they think like me? I should be so lucky!!..... I would give my last to help another' I have had to detach and distance myself from certain people but that's ok. All the best my sweet... Be strong ok

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