Ups and Downs

Thanks Luci, will do. 

I'm hopefully gomig to be back in the gym in the next week or so. I also find listening to music helps - always reminds you of a differnt time in your life. 

Take care! 

How have you been Craig in the last two days? Any changes or improvements observed?

My blip is over. I have had great last 2 days. No anxiety, plenty of energy and enthusiasm and really growing interest in things I used to enjoy before depression/breakdown came couple of years ago. It is nice to start getting the old myself back slowly. I am 10.5 weeks in now. Expecting a bad blip though in couple of days connected with my cycle though. But for now ok. 

Hi Luci 

Had a tough couple of days. My phisical anxiety is down greatly on the proir weeks, but I still get negative thoughts for about 2 hours a day which are very difficult to control. I seem to have some old side effects that are coming back i.e. evening anxiety. Is it typical for them to come and go at this stage? 

I think any changes are so gradual it's difficult for me to tell. I am only at 5.2 weeks so I expect SE to slowely come and go over the next couple of weeks but lessen (hopefully). 

I'm so glad to hear you doing quite well and I cant wait to get there. I'm going to see a psychologist today, so that will be interesting and hopefully helpful. 

Craig I hope you feel better hang in there... I understand I also deal with similar feelings .. But I think we are recovering just not at an ideal pace .. I just tell myself I'd rather recover slow than not at all!! Praying for you.

Thanks Pinkrozez. I too share the same thought - slow is better than not. I am functional most of the time and when I think back to two weeks ago, this was not the case. I am also engaged most of the time, which is also positive. So I guess that is progress...I just can't shake periods of anxiety accompanied by silly thoughts. I'm getting frustrated with this, as I'm now aware enough to know they are not real!

I am also getting some sleep. I couldn't sleep before I was put on this even with sleeping pills. 

Just need to take each day for what it is and hope that i see similar improvements (slow but gradual) over the next two weeks. As long as the tough days are getting easier to deal with I don't mind. 

I really want to get back to work, as I know this will help take my mind of things. I'm reviewing with my boss this Friday, so hopfully I will start working from home for a couple of weeks before going back into the office. 

Stay in touch, as I really hope you progress well. Take care. 

Hi Craig,

yes, I also had some side effects coming back later, and also some new ones at later stage, it's part of the reoccuring blips. Every time there is something unusual, just tell yourself it is still too early, best to not over analyse every side effect. I know it is very frustrating. I remember at week 6 I had great two days without anxiety and feeling quite positive and then such bad blip came for three days and I felt so discouraged and like I will never get better and thought the meds can't be working for me.  Now looking back I see that was normal. With every week the number of consecutive days that were good was increasing.

It looks like there are improvements from what you say, like fewer physical side effects, better sleep too, and negative thoughts only some hours of the day? That means the meds are starting to work. The improved sleep is a good indicator for that, or at least it has been for me, because that has been really gradual and steady. Now at almost 11 weeks, I take only 1/2 of the lowest doze of zopiclone and I wake up usually only once a night and I can sleep now even 8-9 hours in total, and even take some naps sometimes daytime now.

Seeing psychologist is a great idea, I hope it was helpful. I am in psychotherapy and it is my rock. I know this is the only way to get better in long term, to understand the causes for my anxiety and depression and other bad feelings, and learn to manage them.

Stay strong. I hope you will have a better day today.

Thanks Lucy 

I think I am also having the odd positive day (like yesterday). Didn't have any negative thoughts! Also in the evening I was so clear and at peace...it was a strange feeling. I remember getting this feeling about a week ago for a day or two. 

The Psychologist was good, really early days for me though. He was really just trying to untangle what happened in the last few years of my life - at face value it looks like 5 years of prolonged stress (life, work etc) and my mind and body finally gave up. 

I have woken up pretty positive today, but only 4-5 hours sleep due to our baby. She does not want to sleep at the moment! I can't imagine being able to take a day time nap, but hopefully that will come for me too in the upcoming weeks. 

Take care =)

Wow that's fantastic Craig, one full day without negative thoughts..and peace! And  I am sure once you go back to work it will get even better as there will be less time for negative thoughts to come. It looks like the meds are starting to work...don't get discouraged by any blips, they can still come real bad but they will go again and this peaceful feeling will return!

Yes, I hear you about the stress. I have been couple of years in therapy now...it was the same for me, I didn't listen to the increasing stress both in my mind and body (I started getting sick a lot 2 years ago, even needed surgery and developed autoimmune disease), and all this was just my body telling me I need to change the way I live and make better choices, but I didn't listen to my intuition and even the stressed mind and broken body, until I had a complete breakdown and now it is taking long time to recover from it...but hopefully I will never make the same mistake again. Learning to trust my intuition and body now and put my needs first.

Yes, it sounds demanding with the baby. You are very strong coping with all that, being strong and responsible for your family and at the same time letting yourself be vulnerable too and explore your issues with the psychologist too, not just running away from it or numbing it the way lots of people do with addictions for example...all this means you have a lot of underlying strength and you are recovering! We just need to give it time, to learn it step by step...same as when we are learning anything, when we train our body physically or learn a new language...we learn to manage anxiety and life too.

Yeah it was nice and gave me a bit of hope. I presume once the meds settle, it becomes the norm and over the next couple of weeks it should come and more frequently? It's funny how it's so easy to dobut the process...

Are you working at the moment?

I'm only at 5.6 weeks today, so I guess it's still really early days. Yesterday was a bit tougher but I took control rather than it taking contol of me for once. 

I reached out to a close friend last night and he has been fighting a similar illness for the last 4 years and he has just recovered. His situation was very very serious i.e. in and out of hospital. He is going to be a great support through this and we will catch up every few days via Skype. 

I am determined not to go back here and this experience has already changed me (for the better I think). It's bloody tough, but as I become stronger my determination grows to beat this and to change my behaviour forever.  

Stress is a funny thing - I would't have considered myself stressed to breaking point. But my mind was, followed by my body. I also had all the early warning signs health wise. I have perfectionist traits, so a lot of my stress was self imposed - setting outrageous high personal goals, which I have mostly achieved (but at a huge personal cost). On top of this, I've been through 7 failed rounds of IVF before we got our gorgeous little girl. I ignored the personal toll this was taking on me as I pushed to hold my family together. 

I'm looking forward to getting to know the real me over the next few weeks and months. 

Hopefully I have more postive news to share with you over the upconming days Luci. As always, you are a great support - thank you.

 

Hi Pinkrozez

How have you been doing over the last few days?

Hope all is well =). 

Hi! So nice of you to check in. I am so glad you're doing better. I am also better. Had a few good days and anxiety has come and gone but nothing like before. The fact that I am able to handle it all

Better and even been more Involved with my kids brings me more hope that this medicine is helping. I hope you continue to have good days and baby begins to sleep. Omg the sleepless nights alone are enough to stress one out! Thanks again for checking in.

Hope you've been well luci! I recall few days back you were low and I hope it has passed .. Glad we have support here ..

Hi Pinkrozez 

I have my days and moments within days, but definitely getting better at dealing with it and I'm have a few hours that are outstanding now and then like last night from about 7pm.  

I actually got to sleep last night on half a sleeping pill which is a first and hopefully a sign of things to come over the upcoming weeks. 

Take care and stay in touch as you progress. 

Hi Pinkrozez,

thank you for checking in... yes I had a couple of low days last week (after a great streak of 12 days), but it improved so quickly and then had another great 7 days. Felt more enthuastic, engaged and interested in my hobbies, I went to drawing class too and plenty of running. Yesterday and today a bit challenging again, mostly to do with PMS though, but only felt overwhelmed with emotions for couple of hours on both days. Even though the emotions and negative thoughts can still make me feel so much in emotional pain, they pass faster, or I manage them better. I would say I am about 80% ok now, 11 weeks into the medictation. 

How are you feeling? Are you seeing any more improvements?

I hope you are having an ok weekend!

Hi Craig,

how is the weekend going, and did you discuss return to work with your boss in the week? How are you feeling?

That is very good what you say about being determined not to go back to the same ways as before...you are right, there is so much valuable learning in our getting sick like this. We find a better path. Or we will find it! Step by step.

And how good you reached out to your friend. It really helps, right, to talk to people who understand and are not afraid to talk about mental health problems they faced? It's so liberating. And it creates more authentic relationship too...talking about one's vulnerability.

Thank you for sharing about your problems. Omg, so many failed IVF rounds, no wonder you got emotionally exhausted. That is a lot of stress and expectations and disappointments to go through. I am so pleased you have your little one now!!

I relate to you on the perfectionism side. I am the same. I have higher standards for myself (or often impossible ones) than I have on others. I may have more compassion for others when making mistakes and seeing it as human and as part of learning, but I scold myself for every mistake or not being perfect. Carrying this critical voice in me all the time. But all this time it is only me who does this to myself...no one else is responsible but me! Now I see it too, and I want to change it, but it such hard work Craig...it is so deep rooted...it's how I have always lived. I am working on it in therapy.

No, I am not working at the moment, I have not worked for the past year, needing time off, as I became quite unwell with the breakdown and depression and anxiety, and I resisted the meds for so long. Therapy was helpful in understanding the causes but at the same time brought up more past pain and realisations that I needed time to come to terms with...it was making me so physically exhausted even, processing all this. I am starting to feel stronger now and I hope to maybe start looking for a job over summer or latest by Sep/Oct, due to the mounting financial pressures, which don't help my anxiety.

Despite all this having been very hard, I would not want it to not to go through that. It is life changing and part of my growth. I am learning a lot about myself and I am healing. Even if it is so bloody painful and it takes time. I believe it will make me grow and be better, stronger and more authentic person and learn to listen to my intuition and my body better.

Tonight I feel quite sad about lots of things, it is a little overwhelming, but I have had such great last week...felt so good going back to doing arts, and had so much support from people about my talent, it felt really good, and I am getting so much fitter each week with the running too, so there is so many litlte things that make me happy these days among the occasional sad and dark times. I am grateful things are improving, and I am grateful for the help of the meds too!

Lots of love and thoughts of support Craig... looking forward to your news. Thank you also for being there for me and listening.

Thanks Luci 

I have had a pretty good last week, but it all fell apart today in front of my family. Feel like I'm back to square one - I know it has to pass though, but I've had very very negative thoughts that I simply could not control. I was really embarrassed. 

Hopefully this evening will be better and I will be in touch - struggling to type today =(. 

I will be in touch soon a stronger me. 

Take care =)

 

Oooh Craig, sorry to hear. But it is still the meds!!! They still give you up and downs. You are about 6 weeks, right? I had still very bad blips at that time...they would last two or three days, then I would feel great again, and the contrast of the states was driving me a little mad. All you are going through is normal. It WILL get better again!

I hope it passes soon for you. And I am here to also listen to the negative stuff!

Yesterday I had a great day but also late at night I fell apart, for a few hours, was crying and felt very sad for myself in fact, feeling lots of emotional pain about one particular thing (how one person treats me) and had quite obsessive thoughts about it, and sent quite a lot of desperate messages to couple of friends... sleeping pill took me away from the state finally into a sleep, and this morning it is better but I feel somewhat flat. But anyhow, all this is nothing like the anxious states I had a month back.

Hope you will recover soon from the blip. Allow yourself these states...they are only temporary, they are not the real you.

Hi Lucy 

Back on track this morning i think - so true that blips are just a moment in time and they pass. Couple of rougher days then a few more positive. I'm just starting 6 weeks today, so I think the next couple of weeks should be positive (with a few pot holes). 

I drifted off to sleep last night without a sleeping pill which is a first. Then had to take a half one at midnight (baby woke me). 

Sorry to hear to had a tough night. 

I'm meeting with my boss on Wed (post a discussion on Sat) and I plan to start working from home this week. I need to push through this and have confidence it will bring me right. 

Take care and will be in touch soon. 

Hi Lucy 

How are you going?

I'm still up down up up down down - to be expected I guess...

The frustrating thing is that I don't really have any full good days =(.

Trying not to get discouraged, as I really need to get past 7-8 weeks. 

Hope all is well with you. 

Cheers 

Craig

 

Hi Craig,

Yes, still normal, do hang in there. I still had the anxious shivers around that time, and days when I couldn't even get out of bed how low I felt.

As long as you are starting to get some times of the day when you feel calmer or when you are trying to manage the anxiety at times and other improvements like better sleep, then it means the meds are starting to work.

Still very very early, keep reminding yourself!

I have been better again in recent days. Had a bit of a meltdown on Sunday morning, cried again and felt very sad, but I stayed with the emotions, acknowledged them and then took deep breaths, said to myself I will manage this, the feelings are only temporary, and I pushed myself to go and meet a friend for an exhibition, even when it was the last thing I felt like doing, I pushed myself, trusting that it will distract me and the low mood will pass, and it did. I had an amazing rest of the day, felt very connected, in a good way, to the world, and since then I have been fine again.

The strength will come back again Craig. You are already getting a little better.

Luci

Glad to know you're better! I am doing ok I have had some good days and some parts of the days I get the low and lost feeling and sometimes I wonder if that will ever go away?? But overall there's a definite improvement tomorrow will

Be six weeks on the medicine at 20 mg. I understand about the Pms I think I struggle with that also. Starting to get more into a routine now that the move is finally over. Setting up the new place and some parts I've even enjoyed. It used to feel like id never enjoy anything again. So scary since I am a very happy go loving natured person .. Thanks for checking in. Hope you have better days ahead also.

Craig I am very hopeful good entire days are ahead for you. I am in the same boat. But I feel there's improvement .. Sometimes I just feel afraid for no reason I suppose that's anxiety playing tricks on me. I am learning to immediately distract myself and forcing myself to think of other things and not dwell over my emotions which is hard because I am an over thinker ... Also I am sure when baby sleeps through the night you'll feel better. Hang in there and will check in soon.

Thanks Luci 

I am starting to have perfectly clear moments for over 50-70% of each day (most days). And the anxiety outside this seems quite predictable. Always when I wake (mild) and always between 12-3pm (can vary greatly depending on the day - if I'm having a blip it can be severe). 

I have noticed that I have been far more productive in the mornings, which is a huge change from 2 weeks ago - I couldn't even prepare a bottle for my little girl. Now I do all the morning prep =). I also seem to calm in the evenings and this feels like it is getting earlier i.e. was 7.30pm, but yeterday it was before 4pm. 

I still get a slight bit of head fog now and then, but hopefully this will also pass in the upcoming days/weeks. 

It's very hard to tell with sleep (because of our baby), but I am taking less sleeping medication, so I guess that is the key improvement sign. 

I know there will be blips still to come, but i hope not too tough. 

I presume the detail above is a sign of recovery, no matter how slow. I think you mentioned notible changes for you in week 7 and 8? 

I'm so so glad to hear you doing well. 

Craig

Hi Pinkrozez

I am moving forward very slowly I think. Our little one has been sleeping better, which is just great, especially for my wife as she is working full time. 

I get moments of fear which is driven by anxiety, but it's not real, it's just a side effect - however it can be overwelming at times. 

I'm at 6.3 weeks and can't wait to get to about 8 weeks. 

Keep positive and keep moving. 

Check in soon. 

Craig

 

Hi Pinkrozez, it sounds like you are improving slowly too! I also started to see I am recovering when suddenly I started enjoying little things, appreicating things like sunshine and nature, and started having renewed interest in my previously favourite activities. Like you I felt I had lost interest and joy in everything prior to starting recovering.

I don't think feeling low every goes 100% away, as that is just part of life, we have ups and downs, but I think with the help of the meds we manage them better. For me the low moments now only last a few hours and maybe just on a few days a week. I am learning to manage them better now too, with sport, seeking support and just letting the feelings/emotions be there.

Keep going! It will get better!!! I hope you are enjoying the new place and you will have lots of joy and happy memories there. Luci x

Looks like solid progress Craig, what you are describing above.

Everyone is different, so perhaps someone starts seeing better parts of each day rather than whole good days; for me in weeks 7-8 it was still some completely bad days and completely good days, maybe 60-40% I would say in favour of good days. Major breakthrough for me was after week 8, so from the 9th week on, when I had 12 good days without anxiety. But I must say these good days also coincided with me starting a daily gentle running/walking programme, so I think the exercise and daily dose of endorphins really contributed to that sudden improvement in recovery. So if you find some energy and time now (difficult with the baby I realise) then I would really recommend you start exercising, at least a little, it could probably speed up the recovery

I am off to Paris for a few days tomorrow to enjoy food, sunshine and arts, so I think I will feel super well. I may not be in touch till return.

All the best Craig, you are doing really really well!!!!

Luci

Thanks Luci, enjoy the trip!

I have just started morning excercise, so maybe you are right. 

Have fun on your adventures...

Cheers, 

Craig

Glad you're Better Craig! It gives me such hope too.

Luci I am so happy you're going to Paris .. Sounds amazing ! Have a safe and happy trip! Thanks for support ??

Hi Craig,

how are you feeling now and how far into the medicine are you now? Any changes over the week?

I am back from Paris trip and I was so full of energy and enthusism and did so many enjoyable things...like back to the old myself. Have also been sleeping for one week without any sleeping pills - not greatly but managing. No anxiety anywhere to be seen now for couple of weeks. Only occasional tiredness and a bit of avoidance and withdrawal when it comes to things I should be sorting out in my life...I mean it is great to not to stress about them, but I need to start being proactive a little. But so pleased about no anxiety. Still running and keeping fit and many friends are commenting how great I look in recent weeks and how sparkly and energetic I seem to them. So lots of improvements now. I am 12.5 weeks, so it did take 3 months to get to this stage really!

Looking forward to your news.

Luci

Hi Luci 

So glad you enjoyed your trip. I'm getting really good patches (like last night), then just seem to be a bit cloudy (up and down). I was back at work this morning, which went well. I started the 7th week today, and the week on week changes are noticable, albit it a bit slow. I know I really need to get to the 12 week mark and make any judgement from there. I guess the really good patchs are what it will be like when I'm stable on the meds? 

Cheers 

Craig

 

Yes definitely. These good patches will become longer and longer until you start waking up having good whole days and eventually whole good weeks. At weeks 7-8 I remember starting to have about 2 days in a row that I would feel calm, followed by blips of couple of bad days when anxiety would come back.

You are doing really well. I know it is so slow the progress, but maybe just another few weeks of it and you will be much better. And well done for being back at work. It will add some sense of achievement and help the recovery too. Keep going

Luci

Thanks Luci, this is exactly what I'm experencing at the start of week 7. It's good to get up in the morning with some purpose and it keeps me distracted. 

Hi Luci 

I keep waking at 2am with a tingling feeling throughout my body (low level anxiety I think). Did you get this and when it pass? 

It's just frustrating as its playing havoc with my sleep and I know you struggled with you sleep. 

Thanks, Craig 

Hi Craig,

yes I had anxious shivers from neck down my arms and down my spine. Both during day when anxiety hit and also when I was waking up at night. Now I no longer have it. I think it started disappearing about the 2 month mark. It will also settle with time...it may take different time for everyone.

My sleep is still not great at 3 months now, although I do fall asleep now with no sleeping pills for the past week. I wake up still a lot, but not with anxiety. But first 2 months I had very erratic sleep and had the anxiety like you at night whenever I woke up, and I would usually wake up abotu 2 hours into the sleep.

Hang in there!

Luci

Thanks Luci, this is identical to me. I am getting to sleep with very limited sleeping meds now (yay!), and I think I fell asleep the other night with none. I wanke up every 2 hours also, which is really tough, as I struggle to get back to sleep. I guess this will continue to change over time =). 

Hi Luci - last night I slept from about 9pm to 3am, so hopefully this is a sign of things to come =). Made a huge difference as our little girl slept the whole night for the first time ever (so proud), so I think its her that has been waking me most of the time. 

I know it's still so early at 7.5 weeks, but there will be better to come no dobut. 

I had a really positive day yesterday - very calm and with very limited head fog. Hopefully this will soon become the new norm =). 

Hope all is well with you.

Craig, that is fantastic news, I am so pleased for you. Noticeable improvements!

I am quite well too. Made a new personal running record this morning and also went to a drawing class. Really didnt want to go...the meds can make me feel really lethargic and tired now that the anxiety stopped, like I can't be bothered to do things and tempted to sit on sofa, so I had to push myself very hard to go, but I did it, and felt great once I was there. So also happy I am making progress

I have a GP review tomorrow. For the first time I ran out the meds and I did not take them in the last 2 days, very irresponsible of me to time the GP appt so badly, but hopefully I will not see any dip in mood with 2 doses left out

Hoping you will get another good night!

I'm so glad for you Luci. I know exactly what you mean around being tired. I have three days off work now, so looking forward to the long weekend with my family. 

Ohh enjoy your time off Craig! Your little girl must bring you a lot of joy. It is so strong and responsible of you to work on getting better for yourself and your family.

I slept for 7 hours last night without waking up, and without any meds. Progress!!! I am 13 weeks now. Feeling very tired this morning, but I will push myself again.

I hope we both have a great weekend!

Yeah, she is my motivation to push through. During week 2&3 when I thought all was lost I still had to look after her - it was really crazy, as even when I was thinking the worst, I understood that I needed to get better for her.

So glad you are sleeping - I cant wait to be able to sleep like that. When I was at my worst I was only sleeping about 2-3 hours a day.

Have a great weekend! 

Hi I'm new here. I had stopped my prozac cold turkey two months. I ended up in the wrong feeling like I was dying and shaking so hard all over and couldn't control it. They ran test on my heart because the ekg had a small abnormality.. well praise the Lord I'm in good shape no heart problems. They said I could start working out as soon as I could tolerate it. I have been back on my prozac for 12 days. Sometimes I have moments of clarity and calmness and then I have anxiety attacks and crazy thinking like something is wrong with me? Before this I had been working for 5 1/2 years. Now I feel like I'm starting all over. When am I gonna stop feeling these horrible effects and I have thought of taking 1 of my 40 mg prozac in the morning and maybe 1 in the evening to bust it back where it was. But at this point I'm afraid to take anything but my prozac . I need any advice I can get please

Hey Luci. Do you take your medicine in the morning? And are you back to normal now?

Hi Danny,

I have tried both. First in the evening before sleep, then after 6 weeks I tried in the morning, and now I sort of slipped again to evening. I am feeling much better now, so I am now thinking it does not make much difference once you settle on the medication. But I think in early stages it was slightly better when I took it in the morning.

I am not sure if I am back to normal... But for sure i no longer suffer from anxiety, I think I had a couple of times of low feeling in weeks 9 to 13 now. I am still feeling tired easily and sleep is not 100% consistent either but generally I feel really well now. A few things have contributed to my recovery majorly - one was taking up running in last 5 weeks and second is my ongoing psychotherapy.

How are you feeling Danny and how far into medication are you?

Luci

Hey Luci 

A quick question. 

What week did you start felling like you could excercise? I start week 8 tomorrow and I'm not sure if I'm quite there - still up and down a bit. 

I slept last night with no sleeping meds also, which is the first time I have tried in months. 

Thanks 

Craig

Hi Craig,

I started with week 9.

To be honest I didn't feel at all like I can. But that one particular day my anxiety came back strong after several good days and I felt I just had to do something about it, despite feeling so tired from feeling anxious all day and not sleeping. I just went and did it. Out of frustration with the blips.

I can really recommned this podcast called NHS From Couch to 5K. It changed my life. It is so gentle and you need such little time to do it, 30mins. It starts mostly with just fast walking with little jogging, so it is great to get outside to clear your head without any strenuous exercise. I got so much into it that I completed the 9 week program in 4 weeks! It really worked for me. I never ran before in my life, always hated it. But I heard it is good for anxiety and mental health...unlike other exercises, running is about 'moving forward' which really is a great symbol for moving ahead with your recovery, and the podcast also sets improvement targets for each week, so I felt that just like my running also my mental health was improving. I really cannot recommend it enough.

Luci

Thanks Luci, will take a look. I think I'm still a week or two away, but I know I need to get active =) as this will also aid my sleep.