Valentines day

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Hi everyone

I knew this day was going to be hard, treated myself to a lie this morning, went out for a nice walk in the winter sunshine get some vitamin D. Had a picnic looking at the snowy mountains. Treated myself to some goodies from the shop. Sitting in front of a lovely coal fire but still feel s***. Drinking some Pimms I know.... but it saves opening and drinking a whole bottle of wine or vodka. I've decided when or if I am ready how my fourth attempt will be done, jumping into the sea off a pier or rocks into very deep water so there will be no going back this time. Don't worry I'm not comtemplating it yet, I've got to visit my sister and mother who I haven't seen for ages,travelling Monday. Hope your all having a good evening.

Love to everyone 

Tina xx 

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  • Posted

    Sorry for putting a downer on peoples evening but it's just how I feel frown
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    • Posted

      Don't worry about putting a downer on us, lol we are already down! Must be awfull for you today :-( spending time with your mum and sister will be good distraction hopefully, and hope you have nice/ok time. Had my birthday thurs was awfull without dad, people kept saying happy birthday have a lovely time... I wanted to punch them... There was nothing happy about it !!! Xxx

       

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    • Posted

      It's really hard Valentines day seems to be everywhere I know people mean well and they think they are cheering you up wishing you happy birthday. I haven't seen my mum for 2 years and the lastt ime I saw my sister was at my hubands funeral and I didn't have enough time to spen d with her dealing with everything. speaking on the phone is different.
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    • Posted

      Speaking on the phone is not the same, hardly speak to people on the phone, I used to be so chatty but I stopped answering calls as did want to speak to people and talk about it, lol now nobody calls me 😚 but meeting them you can do stuff with them without talking about it and hopefully do nice things to distract your mind. 
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  • Posted

    Just know, if you do decide to do that, you will inflict the same pain you're feeling on your mother and sister. It's a vicious cycle.
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    • Posted

      I know it is, so I am trying so hard, got an assessment on 23/02 so hopefully I will have additional help. I think I do want to die and on the other hand i don't. Just got to get things sorted in the right order. I know it's a vicous circle that's why I'm trying to get help but it is really hard. 
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    • Posted

      I know deep down death, alcohol, chocolate feeling sorry for myself is not the answer, even drugs I would just like to find the answer, I am totally fed up tierd of trying to be positive, keeping juggling those balls to keep life going. It's either got to stop or get better...... I know the old cliche it takes time but I don't know if I've got time......over ten years of coping with various illnesses and keeping positive for someone else take it's toll. I've seem to of run out of energy. 
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    • Posted

      I don't know what the answer is either. Chocolate, alcahol, gambling and sleeping pills are prob not the answer but do me for now. trying to be positive is not possible when we feel like this, the best we can do is muddle through each day. Only one more day to get through then you get to see your sister and mum😊 they will be pleased to see you, going to try to sleep now, hope you get some sleep too. 
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  • Posted

    I can tell you've been putting effort into helping yourself. I'm sure everyone who knows your story will agree. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for though. I'm not a doctor but I just think you've had a tragic loss and you keep reliving it with your thoughts. Would your husband want to see you in this much pain? No, he loved you enough to say, Tina, please gather up your strength and find a positive impact in your life and lean on them. Allow them to help you. Allow yourself to move on and enjoy life. Maybe you could write a letter to your husband? Tell him how much you're hurting, how much you miss him, etc. Then tell him that you have to let him go. That doesn't mean that you won't think about him everyday but you will smile when you think of him rather than crying when you think of him. These are just suggestion. I truly feel for you. Sending hugs!
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  • Posted

    Good Morning Tina and it is another day.

    I just wanted to say that we are all proud of you in the way you are (belive me you are!) coping with your loss and it is obvious the love you have for your husband is as true and strong as ever. You obviously do not feel you are coping  yet, but we hear and feel your pain and are here for you to help.

    By the way, we have met you, but we have not been introduced to your husband and I think that would be nice as we are all your friends after all.

    Do you know, it took me 57 years to find true love, my "splitapart", Ann. I was at the point where I could hear the bell of the monestary calling and wondering where I would need to go to be measured for a habit! Seriously though, I do envy those of you who found it sooner, have so many memories to cherish. I can only hope and pray I am Blessed with time.

    You can share these memories by going and spending time with your Mum, have a cuddle tell her how you feel, after all you're still her little girl. Don't forget your Sister and your own Family. I have a, sadly, estranged daughter from my only marriage 35 years ago and a grand daughter I have never met, I have another daughter who has just started big school, is my techno teacher and (more recently) my fashion advisor, which means now I have two!!! Your Family need to know what is happening, how to start to help you and how to move forward together. I wish I could (not with your Family! Although, they sound really nice) I mean with my parents. Not a day goes by that I don't miss them. How do I cope? Well, Tara touched on something which I endorse and recommend as it has helped me and I have introduced to so many others. At least once a year I write a letter to my parents bringing them up to date with things in case they missed anything looking over us and I tell them how much I love them. I write to my estranged daughter just letting her know I am still here if she ever needs me and I miss her and would dearly love to meet her Family too. I also write to other Family members and friends who are separated by distance or time. I light a small fire, safely in an appropriate receptical (how health and safety we have become!) and place the letters in it one by one and watch the message in turn, turn to smoke and rise up into the night sky. I do believe (without getting too weird on you or any others here) that the message goes up and out there, it is recieved and that is a great comfort when you cannot touch or hold someone you truly love. Try it Tina it can do no harm (as long as you keep well away from next doors fence of course!).

    Re yesterday, a day we don't need to be told to show our love for someone as those of us that have found true love loving them every moment of every second, try and look at it as a celebration of your and (?) love for each other. Maybe, that is one of the days a year you write him?

    Well, I have blathered on a fair bit again and I know there are insomniacs out there that appreciate my writings!

    Got to go stain the front fence before the rain returns!

    Look forward to hearing from you Tina either directly or indirectly.

    Take care,

    David

     

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  • Posted

    Hi there Tina,

    As always my heart goes out to you.

    When I was trained to counsel, it was a one of the processes - writing to your loved ones that you have lost. 

    So I totally agree with all that David has written about and what he does and Tara. 

    I have also read in many books about burning those letters and I know that they are carried on wings of love.

    As always lots of love and hugs.

    Mel Xx

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    • Posted

      Thanks everyone for all your kinds thoughts. 

      It was one of the things in the book i was advised to get by my councillor, to write a letter which I have done quite a while ago, trouble was I found this so hard and that is what my problem is I cannot picture, think about the good times only the worse horrible times I keep getting stuck and end up going round in circles. Get frustrated with myself, end up self harming feeling suicidal because I can't seem to get out of this loop. It is difficult to describe, I have to find a way of getting out of this loop. Just forget everything thats happened over my life but that is not the answer either. I get so annoyed with myself. I'm going to have to stop typing as i am now getting wound up.

      I'll get there one day.......other people do so why can't I. xx 

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina et al!

    Tears were brought to my eyes reading your posts and the love you express toward each other. I have never written letters to my darling sister Angie nor to Mum and Dad but I literally TALK OUT LOUD to them EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!  I tell them what's going on (but I have a strong belief that  they ALREADY know)!  and how much I miss holding and cuddlying them. Tomorrow is another anniversay for my darling Dad - 6yrs since he passed so I've been speaking to him more than ever the last couple of days. He knows as he has sent me 2 white feathers today!! Yes my dear friends White Feathers! I'm not crazy believe me.Perhaps they appeared from the duvet! Perhaps from our feather down anoraks! For me it is ALWAYS a sign from my darling Mum, Dad and Angie. I do hope you are able to take comfort from the words written here Tina, It IS early days Tina. Your hurting, your wounds and heartache are so fresh. You are grieving and will grieve for a long time but it WILL GET BETTER . Very slowly, slowly. There are so many stages of grief. You have to reach each stage in your own time. Overcome each stage in your own time. As I've said before I wish I could draw your pain from you dearest Tina.  Sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes. G-d bless you x

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  • Posted

    You will get there Tina, but it will take as long as it takes.

    I am sure by visiting this forum you will find a way, either something someone suggests or talking of their own experiences and it will give you something to focus on and put everything into perspective.

    There is a balance you have to find, just remember, each and every time you can't manage the load sign in and have a chat. You'll never be alone as we all need each other.

    Keep looking forward there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

    Good evening.

    David

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    • Posted

      Hi All again

      Well  thats me packed for my trip, getting a bit anxious now as i've never flown on my own so I hope i don't make a fool of myself and grab the nearest hand on take off and landing. LOL. Just having a nice chilled bottle of beer. I will try and have a relaxing time.

      thanks for your support, all take care.

      Tina xx

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    • Posted

      I just wish I could give you all a really big real hug for being such lovely, understanding caring people. xx
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