Posted , 4 users are following.
Hi, I am Guy
28 year old man turning 29 soon, currently living in Ireland.
The reason I am starting this discussion is to try and help myself, right now i am feeling the lowest i have ever felt.
I will try keep it as short as possible. The start of the new year (2016) hasn't been great, probably the worst.
I came to Ireland as an Asylum seeker 8 years ago, when I was 20 and up until today I am still not granted refugee status.
I have been back and forth with refugee officials for the past 8 years and it has been the most emotionally draining experience (its hell).
I have cried many nights and days over this whole experience,
I know most people would say man up and handle it or be strong and keep hope alive and have faith.
Truthfully I can no longer keep strong and/or keep going, I am constantly tired, I am awake everyday until 6am stuck in an endless thought of what is going to happen.
I will try give a clear picture of what I am going through.
When you apply for asylum, they put you in a hostel and they give you 19 euro a week to survive on.
I have family here, so instead of staying in the hostel I thought it would be great idea to move in with family, But moving out of the hostel and moving in with family will cancel/ stop the 19 euro a week.
for the first 2 to 3 years I was ok with it but then i began to miss living life, before you can do anything in Ireland, you need money. a bus trip to and from town is €2.60 each way.
Because I wanted to experience life, go out clubing like any young adult and socialize, I started doing jobs, whatever job I could to make some money and live a little. Unfortunately the jobs have not paid me enough
to even have a normal life. Whenever i do anything using the money i earned, I do not enjoy as much, as earning that small amount of money takes 5 times more effort than the average person. at the moment, I am averaging around 75 euro a month
yes that is €75 and it is not a guaranteed cash every month , to some of you, it will sound like a joke but that is how much i am able to make right now(I know i am not allowed to work, but what am I to do?).
Because they took all forms of ID, I do not have a bank account or any proof of identity, all the money i make, I store it in "a shoe box under my bed"
For a while that little money kept me sane, but realistically it is not been enough for anything. I have had 2 sort of serious health issues and both I could not afford to get treatment for them. the first was a week of dizziness and nausea, I managed to
tough that one out, i did go to the doctors for it, and i was told it was an ear infection, consultation fee was €55 and the drugs were around €30, I did not pay the doc as i did not have the money and i did not get the medication.
second was a back injury, which had me stuck in bed for a whole month unable to walk, I did not bother with doctors because i knew i would not afford it(I was young and still mentally strong).
I have missed out on life in general due to this situation, while other 20 something year olds go out and enjoy life and get up to all kinds of crazies I haven't. and this is what has been eating at me for the past few years,
I have tried many things to try and keep myself up beat about it all, i have worked in Charity shops just to try get some kind of social life going, but it began to make me feel worse so I stopped,
I used to be an ambitions man, i was very driven and determined, i was looking forward to my life,
but this is not life.
I do not have close friends, I do not have that 1 friend I can turn to and tell them everything, I do not have a girlfriend, i haven't had one in 8 years, without going into too much detail, Family is not as helpful,
So I am sharing this here, to try and see if i can get help, I cannot afford professional help at the moment,
i am not looking for petty, all I want is for it to end, I want all this pain to go away for good,
i am so tired, If i had an option i would take it without hesitating,
if there is anyone with an answer for me please share with me, as I am slowly losing my mind, I have caught myself several times arguing with myself over a variety of issues.
1 like, 5 replies