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Just needed a place to vent really. I'm into my fifth week of an awful bout of depression and I just feel so down. I had had a few good days last week and really thought I had turned the corner, then the past couple of days I've been worse than ever. I'm on 150mg of Sertaline and have never been this low for so long before. I don't want to do anything, can't face talking to anyone, not least because I know I'm so miserable. Can't see any light anywhere. Have even stopped wanting to be around my kids because I don't want them seeing me like this. Horrid, isn't it?
1 like, 20 replies
joan152
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It is horrible, how long have you been on the meds for,perhaps they have not kicked in yet I know they can take a few weeks .Dont beat yourself up take each day as it comes don't count the days or weeks try and think of those good days you had and think they will come back.as regards of your children don't know how old they are but children can be oblivious unless they see you crying and then may ask.This depression and anxiety can make you lethargic just try and do the essentials the rest can wait.If you really see no difference after awhile maybe go back to GP .Keep ranting on here that's what the forum is for and remember you are not alone .let us know how it goes.Take Care
Joan
deee
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sue_cunliffe1 deee
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I too had ect and got brain damage. 10 years on I will never be able to work again. You say that you were setting up a group. I am looking to campaign for an investigation into ect. I need numbers of people. Did you get anywhere with your group? Thanks
Sue
pat53692
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deee
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pat53692
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Bootsie28
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deee
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1. Lucy Johnstone, a UK researcher (1999) studied the psychological effects of ECT....participants described a complex range of emotional responses including feelings of humiliation, increased compliance, failure, worthlessness, betrayal, lack of confidence and degradation, and a sense of having been abused and assaulted: Some quotes from her study: (I don't know any of these people, but I have said all of this at times.)
`It was like I was a non-person and it didn't matter what anybody did to me.ā
'It felt like I had been got at, yes, bashed, abused, as if my brain had been abused. It did feel like an assault.'
'It was the whole treatment, being carted off I felt like a slave, taken away to this little room and put on a bed. No control, it was awful.'
`You dread it, your heart starts pumping, here we go again. Horrible, absolutely terrifying... Itās like going to your death, your doom, isn't it.'
'My memory is terrible, absolutely terrible. I can't even remember Sarah's first steps, and thaI's really hurtful.. .Losing the memory of the kids growing up was awful.'
'It's a void, I can't describe it ,and there's also a feeling of something fundamental that I don't even know what it is missing...Just like an intrinsic part of me that I feel isn't there and it was once....Part of it feels like there was a real death of something, something died during that time.'
This treatment causes permanent and at times severe brain damage in over 50% of recipients, 1:2. which is totally unacceptable in any other part of medicine. (check out Dr Harold Sackheim 2007 about the brain damage - quote it if you have to). The shock docs talk about a `small electrical current'...The machines fire 140+ pulses a second for 7.8 seconds at 450 Volts. (Small? A 1000+ pulses per treatment!). 100% of recipients will have some memory loss, tho many won't know it. After all it's GONE. If you have memory loss, you will have cognitive deficits as well. Memory is not an isolated brain function. Cognition is the range of functions that include logical reasoning and abstraction, shifting of mental set, problem-solving, planning and organising. All this for as little as a 16% to 30-45% chance of relief for from one to a few weeks, and a 50+% chance of permanent brain damage. The docs claim 80-90% improvement. They generally ask this the day of, or the next day how you are, and you might feel quite good. The brain injury often creates a lift of mood because the injured brain, among other things, floods itself with endorphins (nature's cocaine). That might last from 2 - 8 hours every day you have ECT. It's a phenomenon called `concussion euphoria' and is a clear sign of brain injury.
Ask them, for how long? Of course if you do decide to have it, you can end up having it regularly for a very long time as `maintenance' ECT, (like every week/fortnight/month). Because they know it won't last and when your brain starts to get better from the traumatic brain injury it has suffered, the depression is still there. Studies show that `Maintenance' is a slow descent into a form of dementia, that you won't notice. Even if some the memory for the life you've lived, is not all good, you're entitled to it. It is you and you might need it, someday.
This is the only medical procedure where literally thousands of people world wide have started or joined associations to save others from going through what they went through. NOWHERE ELSE.
I am an ex-psychiatric nurse (1970s), and lived a very productive, happy life, raised my 2 boys, was a successful sculptor and writer. It took months (and still, 14 years later I keep hearing about other things), to find out that I'd lost nearly all memory of my children's high school years and sporting achievements, (they both became elite athletes). Then gradually I found out that nearly everything else for 13 years was gone, too. I have lost, not only my technical skills as a professional sculptor, but I still can't recognise much of my own work. Following the 2010 ECT (x20), I had to drop out of my final subject for my Professional Writing Degree because I couldn't organise material for a simple presentation. I can no longer write the books, screenplays, plays and short stories that I used to win prizes and publication with. All of that is gone.
It destroyed my life as I knew it on the 3/4/2000, my past and my future. I live in a unit on the pension now. But, on a more buoyant note, I'm becoming an advocate for people facing what I faced and hopefully, enabling them to make `informed' decisions. In the end it is your choice. I wish you well. deee
pat53692
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Bootsie28
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deee
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Oh, and not only is Shock still being used, it's escalating. Here in Melbourne Australia the psych docs are pushing, via the parliament for there to be no age restrictions for its use. Somebody, I don't know who yet electroshocked 55 children aged 4 and under. And, believe it or not they want LOBOTOMY back! I look at my littlies and wonder what kind of person could do that. The Nazi docs could and did. Is this what we want to see in our world? Is this a world where the slightest deviation from what some shrink thinks is normal, is a candidate for a drug company pill! A society/culture that attacks its children is a dying or dead culture. It keeps me going, it can make sense of what happened to me and I will not let up until they are stopped. I can't write fiction any more but I can write brochures and put the truth out there. Your encouragement is so helpful. Hopefully a picture of a little old lady with a giant poster on a stick will go viral. I was an actress once so I hope I can remember how to make the best of a photoshoot. I'll try to keep my wrinkly old face behind the poster while my pink fluoro tights hit the airwaves. Thanks again and I hope you find some of that joy. I'll get back with the names of those organisations I mentioned. Bon Chance, Pat and Kathryn, the old girl's still wearing sequins. xxx
pat53692
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deee
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There are current studies and movements that are indicating that even something as `severe' as schizophrenia can and is being helped without the drugs that almost paralyse people. A girl I worked with was so shut down by them that there was no way of reaching her. But, I don't think a `blanket' ban on all drugs all the times necessary. Sometimes, in the short, very short term and not too high a dose, can make people reachable. So many ECT survivors say, afterwards that all they needed was someone to listen to them and help them sort out the frequently social/emotional problems that were overwhelming them. Often a few simple things like someone to help find respite care for an elderly or handicapped family member; life skills training, and/or an accountant for a pile of bills, cranky kids and a broken marriage; some grief counselling when a relationship collapses.
Here are some of the things I've come across. I haven't read them all but you might find something you like. At least you can feel in charge of your future, at least a bit. Of course it won't be easy but it's worth a go. I stayed a `victim' for 13 years. I wish I'd known about some of these. It's too easy to say, `I can't fight this' , so I didn't until just last year. An `epiphany'? My `Road to Damascus'? I don't have a clue but I like myself a whole lot more for trying.
The `self-help' movement is growing now and people are learning new ways to deal with problems from the past. You're already with AA so you know that peer support can be good for you. Now, and if you're already doing this I apologise, but, as a MOTHER, I'm saying exercise! Exercise! EXERCISE. You've already been an athlete, can you go back to that, in some capacity. I don't include sport when I say` put those childish things behind you.' I think Shakespeare said that but I'll keep it anyway. My ideal `asylum would have everyone on an exercise program designed for them, lots of Art/Music/movies among other things. If I win a lot of money...a pipe dream maybe, but people would GET BETTER! Go for life, Pat xx
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pat53692
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seems like you do lots of reading. was it you that said you had a phd? i know you said a nurse too. you are definitely very educated. do you still sculpt? what kind of sculpting? i know this is a med thing. i'd like to give you my email address somehow without advertising on here. Anyway, its good night for me. Hope you have one too.
deee
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