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Weird feelings

Posted , 4 users are following.

zen1L
zen1L

Hey,

I think I need some help. Mentally. 

I'm usually a happy guy, my tagline is "Hey Buddy!". I can get along with pretty much anyone. I love being around people.

However.

I have noticed for some time now, that behind closed doors, I can be very quick to short bursts of anger. Whether this is losing on a game + punching the sofa, road rage or just something small like "oh, my coat's in my bag, my key in the pocket, gotta get the coat out of the bag" + swearing and huffing like a child. 

I can also get upset very quickly too. Literal tears. Even something simple as a web page taking a while to load, I just break down and cry and utter things like "what's the point".

I need help with getting to the bottom of this. When I snap for the tiniest of things, it upsets me. I hate my short burst of anger.

I think it's down to depression. I feel lonely all of the time, as 99% of my friends never bother with me outside of work, they are always; literally always too busy to spend time with me (but easily find time for others). This really gets me down and has been going on for years.

I can't do anything fun like Laser Quest, online gaming, Cinemas etc as I'm always by myself. I rely too much on other people's company, and yet can never get it. 

I'm in the mindset of just getting up and moving to Australia, I know most don't do this due to family ties etc, but after many years of forced lonliness and wanting the complete opposite, I can't wait to leave. I don't even feel I have any family ties, and that's a horrible feeling as my mother is amazing.

I feel like my personality has warped due to forced lonliness + depression; which is forcing me to snap in anger or breakdown into tears over the most ridiculous of things.

I need help. Am I even correct in my own diagnosis? My dads side of the family is prone to anger too, maybe I just inherited it? So I'm half normal half hulk? Am I depressed? I dunno. 

Sorry about that, I just had to get stuff off my chest. I've barely scratched the surface, but it has helped a lot. I have no one willing to talk to me on this level, so this has helped.

Thank you for your time.

3 likes, 5 replies

5 Replies

  • amanda35274
    amanda35274 zen1L

    Posted

    Hi zen 1L. It sounds like to me that u have underlying anger issues maybe thats from a trauma that could b talked thru via counselling as sometyms its like everything hidden to the surface bubbling up. Maybe thats not the case... definately also although im not a dr sounds like depression too. U must feel so alone bless u. Glad u have chosen to talk on here. Ur not alone now. Ive always had tht feeling of wanting to move away to a location far away always, so i understand that. Make an appt hun at the drs asap to talk abt how yr feeling. Leaving it will get worse believe me xxx good luck, here to listen, mandy xxx
    • zen1L
      zen1L amanda35274

      Posted

      I guess I had it pretty rough growing up. My dad, followed by my step dad, would beat me up on a regular basis. I was also forced to watch my mother get beaten up violently, regularly. I think that's what caused my stutter.

      I do feel very alone. I feel like a sad joke. There are people who hate being outside and with others, and have a peaceful, friendless life. There are people who love others company, and have a lot of friends that hangout. They have what they want, I don't sad Please, God, either change my personality to an Intrevert, or give me friends! sad

      Moving away will allow me to get rid of the trash that is my fake friends, and start anew. I don't enjoy living in the UK anyway, i've wanted to leave since before these feelings, back in Uni, when I was surrounded by friends and very happy.

      I tried counselling, forced by my mother after my rash behaviour just months after Uni (I did/said something that embarassed me and will haunt me forever); I found it very hard to transition to a lonely life. However, I just spoke to the counsellor as a friend, with my typical "Hey buddy!" and *High Fives*, constant smiling etc. I can't seem to open up in person. 

      And like you said, leaving it will get worse. 

    • amanda35274
      amanda35274 zen1L

      Posted

      Feel free to private mess if u like . I also grew up in a bad situation. And i have only just realised over the last 3 yrs or so that i like my own company v much. I never used to and see how u feel about the fake friends. What made me realise the few quality over quantity were when i ever needed anyone even desperately they weren't there. I always was for them.. so i just stopped going out texting back as i knew they never cared if i lived or died literally!! Now the few i hold dear i see rarely but wer'e there for each other if needed. When my daughter grows up shes 13 now ill have no need to stay put & obv wudnt go far unless she was happy to start anew but even a little town by the sea till shes much older with hopefully her own family & my lifelong dream would be new england in the fall. On a swing on a porch watching the world go by. Xx definately follow yr dreams , a new start could be a new you. But pls seek help before making big decisions. As for your mum what a lovely place she could holiday to. ;0) xx my half brother who ive never met lives in perth. Western aus. Maybe one day ill meet him there! Xx try make a drs appt and let us know u get on. From a new friend xx

  • borderriever
    borderriever zen1L

    Posted

    Zen

    Five years ago I was forced to make some big changes in my life and now I life a good distance from any family that is still alive  Although the new life was a hard decision it was the proper one and now we are more at peace, so if that is a decision you feel will help go for it. We all need happiness and we strive to gain that throughout our lives

    If you decide to go, go for the right reasons 

    BOB

    • zen1L
      zen1L borderriever

      Posted

      See, I feel like I have no loyalty to my immediate family. No emotional ties. It's a horrible feeling that doesn't suit my personality. 

      In my mind, a new life is all I want. I've given up on trying to meet up with friends who aparently have 100% busy lives (jeez, guys, take a day off!) and just want to slip under the radar. So I wouldn't find it a hard decision.

      I think this decision will help immensly, as while I'm here in the UK i'm constantly reminded about my fake friends and sometimes can't help but to try and meet with them, to inevitably become sad at the outcome. If I am half way across the world, unplugged from nonsense like Facebook, I can finally move on with my life; leave my old friends behind for good. At least that's what I think. 

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