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What do I do or not or maybe?

Posted , 6 users are following.

tina89895
tina89895

Just thinking out aloud. It is 10 months today since my husband died, i have had a difficult day at work spent my lunch break out in the pouring rain sat on a beach debating whether to go in or not. returned to work soaked to the skin (due to the rain) left early, tried phoning the Dr's who were closed for training, tried my bereavement councillor who was out of the office, no use trying my CPN as she is off this week taking her partner to hospital appointments. So now what got home and opened a bottle of wine I know not a good idea but at least it stops me going out driving. Been crying thinking of self harming, trying not to, thinking of phoning someone but all I get is keep yourself occupied. plus I think I;m wasting their time there's people out there that need them more than me. I'm on my second glass of wine, might have a third and f*** it,  when I take my 30mg of mirt tonight will I sleep and sleep and tomorrow would be another day. I'm not expecting any answers just need to put this down. Debating ringing my son but I don't think he'd be able to cope with me so upset. enough said....Cheers.............. 

0 likes, 15 replies

15 Replies

  • Brandy964
    Brandy964 tina89895

    Posted

    Dear Tina,

    Firstly so sorry for your loss. Secondly you are NOT wasting anybody's time, you are just as important as the rest! Have you got any close friends you can call on? The other options if you're open to them are the Samaritans or NHS 111 (if in UK) maybe your son is having as difficult a time as you are & you could be of some comfort to each other? I'm not going to say don't drink - I've been there, done that & at times still do, if it helps...as you say...fook it!

    Please please if you have any more thoughts of self harm ring out of hours docs.

    You have my very very best wishes & my thoughts with you through this extremely difficult time xx

  • charles98819
    charles98819 tina89895

    Posted

    Hi Tina

    I can say i understand how you feel, i understand your pain. 5 years ago i lost my wife too after 15 years together and my doc placed me on mirt. You have to be strong you need some time to get youself together, you will not get over it but it will be much better with time. stay strong and have faith you will see yourself through

    • tina89895
      tina89895 charles98819

      Posted

      I;ve just spent ages typing stuff into this forum then it disappeared, I'm losing the plot now, i hate technology.

      I was pouring my heart out now I can't type it again.

      We knew each other for nearly 38 years we worked so well as a team he was my right arm how did you cope after, I find it so hard. I've been getting rid of stuff selling it, giving to friends and charities to get everytning sorted so my son has less to do. It is nearly the year aniversary, I hated watching him derteriate I just wish I had died with him at least we both wouldn't be alone on different plains, not that I really believe in that. I'm rattling on sorry. Another glass of wine as I can still type ok well like to think I can and see straight.Thank you both for your replies. 

  • c20560
    c20560 tina89895

    Posted

    Hi Tina, 

    I've never commented on here before, and I haven't really got advice, but I'm sending you a hug and am keeping you in my thoughts, praying that you find happiness again. Please do not harm, you will only look at those scars when you feel better and be bitter for what you have done, and it will not make you feel better tonight it will just hurt more. I cannot imagine how this is for you and I'm not going to sit here typing 'I know how you feel' but please know you are not alone, there are people that love you, and you deserve to be happy and healthy and that's what your dear husband would have wanted. 

    If you seriously think of harming, please ring emergency docs, you will thank yourself for that courageous decision later.

    much love, stay strong xxx

  • Sunbird8
    Sunbird8 tina89895

    Posted

    Hi Tina,

    I can not add to the wise words from Brandy but I just want you to know that I send you my deepest sympathy.

    What a dreadul day you have had Tina.

    It will be the third anniversary of my son's death next week and some times it seems only yesterday.

    I am so sorry to hear of your husband's death Tina,it is still very early days and your pain is raw.

    I agree with Charles.We can get used to it but never get over it.

    I hope you do manage to have a good sleep and tomorrow will be a better day.

    Please know that I hold you in my thoughts and prayers Tina.

    • tina89895
      tina89895 Sunbird8

      Posted

      Thank you all so much for your kind works and my heart goes out to you all that have lost loved ones, I know how hard that is. I have been talking to the Samaratins and now will be going out for a walk, don't worry I'm sure I'll be fine, nearly down to the bottom of the wine, so won't take my meds tonight but maybe in the morning. This is how my mind works I have even packed a bag in case I end up being taken away. How sad is that???

      Thank you all again you don't know how much I appreciate these words from people I do not know. Thanks good night xx

    • Sunbird8
      Sunbird8 tina89895

      Posted

      Glad you were able to talk to Samaritans.

      May today be a better day in every way.

      Thinking of you Tina, please let us know how you are.

      Lots of thoughts winging their way to you!

    • Brandy964
      Brandy964 tina89895

      Posted

      Good morning Tina

      Hoping today is a better day for you, so pleased you were talking to people last night, please keep us posted on how you are xx

    • tina89895
      tina89895 Brandy964

      Posted

      Morning all, just getting organized for work, no hang over which is amazing how much I drunk last night, medication was taken around 4am so here we are again another day to get through.

      Hope you all have a good day, I will try yet again .

      Thanks again to everyone. X

    • Sunbird8
      Sunbird8 tina89895

      Posted

      Hi Tina,

      Just wanted you to know I have been thinking of you today.

      I hope this has been a better day for you and may you get some sleep tonight.

      Take care Tina.

    • tina89895
      tina89895 Sunbird8

      Posted

      Hi Sunbird

      Thank you, day was ok as days go, at least the sun was shining for a change, even sat out in the garden this evening.

      But put a downer on it I'm still sitting here crying and hating my life.

      Even after last night and not that brilliant sleep I'm still not tired. 

      I just wish this would all stop.

      how do you keep going?

      Tina

    • Sunbird8
      Sunbird8 tina89895

      Posted

      So sorry to hear that you are feeling so low Tina.

      Good that you were able to sit in the garden for a while.

      It is amazing that you are not exhausted following the awful day you had yesterday.

      Wonder if it would help to listen to some soothing music in bed after you have taken your meds?

      Try to stay calm Tina. Although you are crying I think that this is better than having no emotion and keeping every thing 'locked in'.

      I try to think of the good things in my life and today and recently thinking of the people of Nepal who have their lives devastated due to eathquake.

      Even so some times nothing seems to help and all we can do is remember that all things pass.

      Perhaps another call to Samaritans might help?

      I keep you in my thoughts and hope that you will get some sleep.

      Good night Tina.

    • tina89895
      tina89895 Sunbird8

      Posted

      I'm going to go out for yet another walk, then see how I feel might give them a ring I will have to have them on fast dial soon. 

      I took my meds at 10 but nothing seems to of kicked in except i am very hot so going outside might help. The idea of diazapram keeps appearing in my head at least I'd sleep through but that isn't really the answer its just a temporary plaster.

      I do think of other people who are going through worse situations than me and they cope so why can't I.

      anyway better let you go to sleep Night 

    • Sunbird8
      Sunbird8 tina89895

      Posted

      Tina please be kind to your self, it is early days for you.

      I hope the walk helps.

      Night night Tina x

  • jude65855
    jude65855 tina89895

    Posted

    Tina, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time.  I've often had that experience of searching for support in a crisis situation and not being able to find it.  The only thing to do is just get through it, there's always support there but not always where we want it or when we most need it.

    Is there a crisis line you can call?   Please let this site know how you get through the night - I'm sure I won't be the only one wondering how you are

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