What do you call this? Selective depression?
Posted , 5 users are following.
One year ago I became my first kind of real suicidal feeling and after that I had them every time when I felt stressed, hopeless, ignored, which was about two-three or more times a day when I have to do stuff. That is the other problem, I hate doing stuff like homework or chores or anything that is unpleasant, I get this suicidal feeling and try to ignore and procrastinate as much as possible, leaving me with conflicts with my mom or with 5-6 hours of sleep and a half-ass done homework. I don't know what to do and I don't think something would help me. It seemed to start happening when I decided I have ADD in my first year of high-school, because I just felt so stupid, disorganised and different. I had, even back then procrastinated and hated doing stuff, but I just didn't have to do them that much. Some things happened and I had to change schools and go to a new country and now that after a year I have to do stuff and learn I feel just so unmotivated to do it. It is a thing I hate and want to kill myself just at the thought of it. Today we had to dance and I just felt so close to killing myself. Yesterday I really thought about buying sleeping pills after school and taking all of them..And I felt so happy and great all of a sudden, and I wasn't afraid. With a little part of my brain though, I knew I had to stop myself somehow and so I told my mom. She was concerned and told me to talk to sb whenever I feel like this. I don't feel there is any point in living usually, but sometimes, as in when I can have fun alone, watching a film or sth, I am having fun. So I guess this isn't depression then? Like, it gets triggered only for a couple of minutes/hours whenever I feel hopeless in a situation and then usually it kind if goes away, tho it is always kind of on the back of my mind. If you asked me now if I would like to disappear, I would say "Yes, probably." But really, I would just like all my problems to go away. What should I do? I am kind of afraid I might do it in another dark moment. And what is this? I wouldn't call it depression. I sleep just fine, I don't cry, I can have fun with things that make me happy(usually) but just I want to die and disappear whenever something unpleasant happens. Maybe it is normal?
2 likes, 4 replies
anon85986 Idont
Posted
Hi, I think you definitely are clincally depressed. That means there is a chemical balance in your brain. I am too.
I think you have to start by going to a good doctor find one with good ratings to discuss your moods and feelings. Then you will have to go on some meds. They don't always work on the first try and you may have to try several of them. Good luck
deirdre._03652 Idont
Posted
Please go and see your GP...the feelings you are facing are quite common at your age,,,,but you can be helped greatly with both medication and counselling.....I am so pleased that you told your mum...now take the next important step and confide in and talk honestly to both your doctor and also your teacher.....
It must be hard for you at the moment, but you can be helped greatly.....so please, please lovey ,...confide in other people who can help you now.....big, warm, sincere hugs to you ....dee xx
spudpatel Idont
Posted
I feel that it doesn't need a name, I dont want to sound all patronising and I know it's not easy but perhaps you could throw yourself right into whatever you're situation or task that is bothering you, if not doing it or doing it half heartedly is making you feel so bad, could really throwing yourself into it make you feel worse than wanting to kill yourself. Try not to be afraid
Digsby Idont
Posted
Hi,
I know what it's like to be a procrastinator - I started when I was a kid and I've been perfecting it ever since. I'm just not one of those people who wants to grab life by the horns and go for it. I hate being spontaneous on my own. I'm motivated to enjoy things if there are friends I trust involved - it seems to take the pressure off me somehow. My suicidal thoughts started when I was a teenager too. Whenever I couldn't cope with a situation (or really wanted to avoid doing something that was making me feel anxious) I would look for a way out and thoughts of suicide became the ultimate get-out clause, a fail-safe exit strategy. The thought that I had a way out brought me comfort. It helped me cope. I could do things knowing that if I failed or life just got too hard, I always had a way out. I'm 49 years old now (must seem really old to you!) I haven't lived with suicidal thoughts all those years but my life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to and I've been stuck for a couple of years now, battling the thoughts each day. I don't share this with you to bring you down. I never looked for professional help until I was in my 30s but therapy has helped me with coping strategies and self-compassion techniques. It means that I win the daily battle with my thoughts ;-)
I'm glad that you felt able to share what you are feeling with your mom. Do you have a scool counsellor or nurse you could talk to? Everything you say would be kept in confidence I'm sure. I'd suggest that the best way to tackle doing stuff that you hate doing is find a friend or team-mate to share the burden with - a problem shared is a problem halved! Can you find a study buddy to make the school-work a bit less tiresome? You may not be like any other teenager you know but what you are feeling will be common to a lot of teens. You are not abnormal, I promise you. It is good to talk with people you trust or professionals who can help and understand. This forum will also provide you with support and non-judgemental advice whenever you need it. Take care & never give up hope :-) x