What is going on with my mind? Please help. Depression, social anxiety and drug use

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So, this is how I went from a normal studious teenager to a intensely depressed 20 year old. I kind off still need help to understand what is actually happening to me at this point. I know the main things are depression and anxiety, but some of the things I do I just can't understand. Please help me if you can. So this is how my experience goes -

I was born in 1996. I was a happy kid and was studious and scored good marks at school but it all started at around the age of 14 (ie-at eight grade at school).

Age 14: I come from a very studious family who care only about studies and they are extremely negative and comparative in nature. They made me study non-stop at those times. As studies is a quite a big deal in India, I naturally with this family background became intensely introverted and never had friends. My parents often instilled in me notions that friends are fake and are not important in life and I began to grow from that.

So, at the eight grade while following my routine of intense study, I eventually felt some kind of pain in my mind. My mind was going on and on with thoughts, creating doubts about the smallest things and I ended up 'talking' to my mind voice and answering all its doubts and thoughts. I just don't know how to explain this exactly in words. But moving on to age 15

Age 15: My mind voice intensifies. I become more social withdrawn. I spend hours and hours talking back to my mind even while studying. I can't figure out what's happening to me.

Age 16: I'm in tenth grade(The 'biggest' year in India). My parents pressurise me even more in studies. As soon as I enter home, I would be made to close my room door shut and study. This ended up being very bad for my inner mind. I had no inner peace, had intrusive thoughts, had intense compulsions like talking stressfully back to my mind( acting like the problem was solved after that) , writing compulsively on paper to answer back to my thoughts. And this is the scariest part - As my study holidays for my boards began, my mind began to roar even more. I ended up questioning how to read words, how to remember the alphabets. I began to feel pain while reading with anxious thoughts like 'what if the alphabet 't' i read does not have a cross over it' or 'what if the alphabet 'i' i read does not have a dot over it' or same double letter patterns. I began to slow down in reading and then began to constantly question the meaning of words even though sub consciously I know what they all meant. Like I would ask what some word means and when I explain it to myself, I would ask what another word in that explanation meant and I would go on and on like this. I was so scared, I was alone with no one to talk to. But i passed out decently from tenth grade with this wounded mind.

Age 17 and 18: I had two months of vacation where I tried to relax but my mind disrupted my peace. While playing games/watching movies , my mind would constantly create questions. I tried ways to overcome my reading issues anxiety but it still persisted. I moved to a new college for 11th and 12th grade. This was a more free college with people being more social and having more friends. I just couldn't fit at all and was constantly bullied and called things like 'pussy', etc. It was at this time that I realised how 'shy' and 'anxious' I felt deep down. I felt inferior to everyone and developed this inferiority complex. I with pain managed to get to a large extent over this reading anxiety and was able to things better but my mind still was restless. I felt lonely and couldn't make friends. I got attracted to people of the opposite gender(a natural thing btw) but could never make friends with anyone(with people of same gender also). I wanted to be friendly with people and just help people and be friends with everyone, but I couldn't. I just wanted friends thats all I wanted. But I helplessly watched all my other classmates make friends , have amazing times with each other,post hundreds of pictures with each other on fb. I felt so sad and alone with this damaged mind. I couldn't even say 'hi' to people. I watched on as I could not function on days like 'graduation day' , 'picnics' , etc. I had no people to talk to while evryone else enjoyed. After 12 th grade, I spun into this intense depression

Age 19 and Age 20- Had 2 months of vacation. Was intensely depressed. My mind had two sides of pain- one academical and the other social. I would reimagine incidents of bullying in my mind and times I failed to make friends even when I so badly wanted to. While studying, my mind would go nuts over simpliest things. I feel this is more of anxiety because when the time came, I did pretty well in tests. I became intensly suicidal (I am not now smile ) and dreamt off jumping from a building. Moved to a new college for B.Tech in Computer Science. I couldn't make friends with my intense depression and I became more withdrawn. I self-medicated on Paxil (which made feel lazy and uninterested). I felt this deep pain in my mind and my heart. Later my parents themselves met a doctor and I was prescribed Clonazepam (known as Petril in my country). I felt relaxed and nice after having it for a few days and then demanded my parents to give it to me at a regular basis. I feel my mind subside and able to do thing better with this drug. But if not given, I would feel some intense mind pain. I tried meditation with music and it did feel nice but still I would feel these mind pains I can't control. My anxiety is too painful at times to bear.

a) So, can someone explain what is going on with my mind? Why is it like this? b) How do I get my life back? How do I get interested in life and make friends with people? c) How can my mind be tamed?

Please help if you can. Thanks a lot!

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  • Posted

    If you were prescribed medication and your 20, how can your parents hold back on your medication. From the way your story goes it sounds like you just had to much pressure from your parents. Somebody being constantly pushed and controlled will cause severe anxiety. When a doctor gives you medication for anxiety or depression you must take the medicine as the doctor subscribed or you won't get what you need. I talked to my self in my mind, so I know how you feel. Have your parents talked to your doctor and you as a group therapy. You need a phyciatrist, for this disease. Others are not taught how to treat you and how to help. Have you actually told your parents about how you feel and your suicidal thoughts. Suicide is not the answer. You have seenhow the right medicine can help. Please continue to see the doctor and let him know everything you feel and how your parents do with you medication. Things can get much better and these problems are not quickly better. It takes time, the right doctor, the right medication, and you working to be better. How ever you have to get the point across about how you feel and explain that medication is necessary. You don't have to tell anyone you take them. Anything you tell your doctor, he cannot tell anyone what you and him or her talk about. Even your parents. Things may be very different from living in America as I do but demand help and keep doing this until you get the point across. Your not losing your mind or crazy by any means. We have a disease that is only understood by having it. People can help but it's even hard for us, so it's near impossible for them for them to understand. Try to do things you enjoy, when get down I put my headphones on and it's just me and my music. I shut out everybody and everything and just relax to my favorite music. Find that something that you can enjoy and just enjoy and relax. Im sorry your going through this and I hope you get better soon. Come back here to talk, ask questions or what ever you need. We lean on each other because we know how it feels. I hope I helped you, but please get the suicide out of your head and think positive about getting better. You can get better.

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    • Posted

      Thanks a lot for your concern. I guess a lot of stress is the main reason for these issues. I'm still continuing to take clonazepam and it works pretty well by calming me down.

      I really appreciate and thank you for the time you took to answer this question. Thanks!

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  • Posted

    You will overcome this. Sometimes depression and anxiety is a life long companion. Kurt Vonnegut called it "bad chemicals and bad ideas". Work with it. Be well.

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