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So, this is how I went from a normal studious teenager to a intensely depressed 20 year old. I kind off still need help to understand what is actually happening to me at this point. I know the main things are depression and anxiety, but some of the things I do I just can't understand. Please help me if you can. So this is how my experience goes -
I was born in 1996. I was a happy kid and was studious and scored good marks at school but it all started at around the age of 14 (ie-at eight grade at school).
Age 14: I come from a very studious family who care only about studies and they are extremely negative and comparative in nature. They made me study non-stop at those times. As studies is a quite a big deal in India, I naturally with this family background became intensely introverted and never had friends. My parents often instilled in me notions that friends are fake and are not important in life and I began to grow from that.
So, at the eight grade while following my routine of intense study, I eventually felt some kind of pain in my mind. My mind was going on and on with thoughts, creating doubts about the smallest things and I ended up 'talking' to my mind voice and answering all its doubts and thoughts. I just don't know how to explain this exactly in words. But moving on to age 15
Age 15: My mind voice intensifies. I become more social withdrawn. I spend hours and hours talking back to my mind even while studying. I can't figure out what's happening to me.
Age 16: I'm in tenth grade(The 'biggest' year in India). My parents pressurise me even more in studies. As soon as I enter home, I would be made to close my room door shut and study. This ended up being very bad for my inner mind. I had no inner peace, had intrusive thoughts, had intense compulsions like talking stressfully back to my mind( acting like the problem was solved after that) , writing compulsively on paper to answer back to my thoughts. And this is the scariest part - As my study holidays for my boards began, my mind began to roar even more. I ended up questioning how to read words, how to remember the alphabets. I began to feel pain while reading with anxious thoughts like 'what if the alphabet 't' i read does not have a cross over it' or 'what if the alphabet 'i' i read does not have a dot over it' or same double letter patterns. I began to slow down in reading and then began to constantly question the meaning of words even though sub consciously I know what they all meant. Like I would ask what some word means and when I explain it to myself, I would ask what another word in that explanation meant and I would go on and on like this. I was so scared, I was alone with no one to talk to. But i passed out decently from tenth grade with this wounded mind.
Age 17 and 18: I had two months of vacation where I tried to relax but my mind disrupted my peace. While playing games/watching movies , my mind would constantly create questions. I tried ways to overcome my reading issues anxiety but it still persisted. I moved to a new college for 11th and 12th grade. This was a more free college with people being more social and having more friends. I just couldn't fit at all and was constantly bullied and called things like 'pussy', etc. It was at this time that I realised how 'shy' and 'anxious' I felt deep down. I felt inferior to everyone and developed this inferiority complex. I with pain managed to get to a large extent over this reading anxiety and was able to things better but my mind still was restless. I felt lonely and couldn't make friends. I got attracted to people of the opposite gender(a natural thing btw) but could never make friends with anyone(with people of same gender also). I wanted to be friendly with people and just help people and be friends with everyone, but I couldn't. I just wanted friends thats all I wanted. But I helplessly watched all my other classmates make friends , have amazing times with each other,post hundreds of pictures with each other on fb. I felt so sad and alone with this damaged mind. I couldn't even say 'hi' to people. I watched on as I could not function on days like 'graduation day' , 'picnics' , etc. I had no people to talk to while evryone else enjoyed. After 12 th grade, I spun into this intense depression
Age 19 and Age 20- Had 2 months of vacation. Was intensely depressed. My mind had two sides of pain- one academical and the other social. I would reimagine incidents of bullying in my mind and times I failed to make friends even when I so badly wanted to. While studying, my mind would go nuts over simpliest things. I feel this is more of anxiety because when the time came, I did pretty well in tests. I became intensly suicidal (I am not now smile ) and dreamt off jumping from a building. Moved to a new college for B.Tech in Computer Science. I couldn't make friends with my intense depression and I became more withdrawn. I self-medicated on Paxil (which made feel lazy and uninterested). I felt this deep pain in my mind and my heart. Later my parents themselves met a doctor and I was prescribed Clonazepam (known as Petril in my country). I felt relaxed and nice after having it for a few days and then demanded my parents to give it to me at a regular basis. I feel my mind subside and able to do thing better with this drug. But if not given, I would feel some intense mind pain. I tried meditation with music and it did feel nice but still I would feel these mind pains I can't control. My anxiety is too painful at times to bear.
a) So, can someone explain what is going on with my mind? Why is it like this? b) How do I get my life back? How do I get interested in life and make friends with people? c) How can my mind be tamed?
Please help if you can. Thanks a lot!
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