What's Next ???

Posted , 7 users are following.

I am usually here to support others, but this time I am looking for some wise words from others who can shed some light on my situation from another point of view.

I would consider myself a well balanced individual when it comes to managing my anxiety and depression. Once I realized what I realized, anxiety and depression could no longer control me. I don't have hypochondria any longer and my moods are not cycling. I am way past therapy because I am using healthy living instead of therapy. I am not cured or anything, but I don't let my symptoms get to me. They have no power over me any longer. 

So with all that said, in the last 6 or so years I lost so much that I don't know what it means to be happy anymore. I am happy by default. Great job, awesome apartment, my dog is my best friend and my happiness. I am more or less smart and have been called an intellectual. But I've lost my wife. She left me because I broke down. I broke down because my family broke me again. They broke me again because my stepdad went to prison for making some money. They lost everything and they had a lot. I had to help in some ways (not financially) and that caused my marriage to fall apart. Not blaming anyone, but myself, but I broke, I simply snapped. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. It took me years to recover and when I finally did, it was too late, she left and I was deep in debt. I had almost no friends left and have not been speaking to my family for months. I only have my grandma and a few close friends... And my dog =)

In the last 5 years, I lost my grandparents, uncle, was laid off twice in very evil ways, backed away from my old friends because I realized that they and I don't share the same values. I've 40 and I am starting over. From almost nothing. If I was 30, I would be totally happy. But at 40, I feel like it's too late to start a family and have children. Plus, I live in LA where women need money and fame and status, and nothing else. I am a good looking dude with a very good job, I live in a good area, and I can stay on top of any conversation as I consider myself to be well informed, but in LA, women just want money and status. So I don't know anymore. I've always had people in my life and now, I am completely alone. I've never been so alone and I don't know how to handle it. How to cope. How to believe that I will rebuild my life. I am working out and getting in shape 24/7, and I feel great, but inside there is much pain. I am curious how I can get beyond the pain. I miss my ex more than anything. I miss my grandparents as they were the ones who raised me. My old life, my friends, my youth, those times when I was so happy that I thought I was invincible. And now, 100% alone. I am not sure how to above the current levels of guilt and regret....

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi mate, just sent a long reply that got lost. Will try to summarise. I relate to much of what you say & my heart goes out to you. My wife left me 7 years ago after 20 years of marriage...I still miss her. Have had a couple of relationships since but I haven't had the same commitment back as I've given. I have regrets but try to look forward & plan for the future. You have learnt hard lessons in life but you have become resilient as a result.

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  • Posted

    I've also given up on the medication & therapy route....trying mindfulness & self-compassion. Please don't give up on life or love....don't settle or compromise either. You have a lot going for you & can give yourself opportunities to connect with genuine non-fake people like yourself. This is a new positive chapter in your life. Be strong & keep in touch. You've got this!

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  • Posted

    Hello. Frustated cos lime digsby i done long reply and lost it so will try to summarise. Your wife chose NOT to support you so let go. You have lost a lot and been through a lot BUT kept your sanity which says a lot about you. You got a lot going for you but would being 30 again be the ansa. Being wiser after the event is what we all suffer from. Try building bridges with yr family for a start. Family will help you stop feeling so "on yr own". Stop looking to replace yr wife. Get out socially with people of yr own standing. Go walking with yr dog instead if concentrating on being body beautiful, its only skin deep tho exercise is good for depression.  My problems have been caused by family too busy with own lives. I leave you with this thought. I am 72 wish i was 40. Would do things differently but ...... " sometimes it is hard getting your heart to know what your mind already knows". Good luck take care dont waste precious years looking for what may not be there in LA x

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  • Posted

    Hi imnml - what about counselling to help you through this transition? Talking about it, having a place to go to vent, assisted by a professional who can give all sorts of info, any referrals, and coping strategies. Birth of something new requires the death of something used. Your wife has exhibited her stance on your suffering and has defaulted on caring for you in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. She chose to leave you in your pain. Let her go. Draw a line, step over it and don't look back. You have a wonderful opportunity to create a new life, painful in process, inexplicably rewarding as you look back on your progress and the new, wiser, stronger you. 

    The positives: You're only 40 which is the new 30. You are employed, have a nice home, a faithful furry companion and the intelligence to reach out for help. As for those shallow women looking for fame and fortune thinking it will somehow validate them - they are after what you've got and not who you are. Guilt and regret are the beacons alerting us that something needs attention. Guilt and regret are human companions throughout life - without them we would not recognise problems and worse, will never act to remedy them. One of the hardest things in life is to forgive oneself for our 'wrongs' - even when those 'mistakes' were the very events needed to help us grow. One step at a time, take it easy on yourself, it's a journey, you are not alone, and we are always here to talk.

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  • Posted

    thanks everyone... i am not the type who gives up... it's just hard doing it on your own... my family will not support me so that's not an option..... this is going to be 100 harder to do (to get ahead i mean) because i am doing it all on my own... which is fine..  i am just hoping i don't lose patience and hope because humans are not meant to be alone.. therapy is not what i need now... hiking and lifting weights def help right now and my dog is indeed my best bud.... i'll be fine... i like helping others on here and that really helps me

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