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I am usually here to support others, but this time I am looking for some wise words from others who can shed some light on my situation from another point of view.
I would consider myself a well balanced individual when it comes to managing my anxiety and depression. Once I realized what I realized, anxiety and depression could no longer control me. I don't have hypochondria any longer and my moods are not cycling. I am way past therapy because I am using healthy living instead of therapy. I am not cured or anything, but I don't let my symptoms get to me. They have no power over me any longer.
So with all that said, in the last 6 or so years I lost so much that I don't know what it means to be happy anymore. I am happy by default. Great job, awesome apartment, my dog is my best friend and my happiness. I am more or less smart and have been called an intellectual. But I've lost my wife. She left me because I broke down. I broke down because my family broke me again. They broke me again because my stepdad went to prison for making some money. They lost everything and they had a lot. I had to help in some ways (not financially) and that caused my marriage to fall apart. Not blaming anyone, but myself, but I broke, I simply snapped. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. It took me years to recover and when I finally did, it was too late, she left and I was deep in debt. I had almost no friends left and have not been speaking to my family for months. I only have my grandma and a few close friends... And my dog =)
In the last 5 years, I lost my grandparents, uncle, was laid off twice in very evil ways, backed away from my old friends because I realized that they and I don't share the same values. I've 40 and I am starting over. From almost nothing. If I was 30, I would be totally happy. But at 40, I feel like it's too late to start a family and have children. Plus, I live in LA where women need money and fame and status, and nothing else. I am a good looking dude with a very good job, I live in a good area, and I can stay on top of any conversation as I consider myself to be well informed, but in LA, women just want money and status. So I don't know anymore. I've always had people in my life and now, I am completely alone. I've never been so alone and I don't know how to handle it. How to cope. How to believe that I will rebuild my life. I am working out and getting in shape 24/7, and I feel great, but inside there is much pain. I am curious how I can get beyond the pain. I miss my ex more than anything. I miss my grandparents as they were the ones who raised me. My old life, my friends, my youth, those times when I was so happy that I thought I was invincible. And now, 100% alone. I am not sure how to above the current levels of guilt and regret....
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