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I am 22 years old male. I am sorry the post is long, but I just wanted to make sure it's accurate and even though I would probably need to start seeing a therapist soon, I just want different opinions as well, because I guess it just makes me feel better having it all out? I have no idea. Just please let me know what you honestly think.Thanks for your help and time.
I have had depression for 2 months and it just doesn't seem to get better and sometimes goes to extremes. There are so many things that might have triggered it, but I think the main thing that is keeping me depressed is the fact how me an my best friend have slowly grown apart. There could be other things like: 1. seeing a lot of my newer friends go and do a salesjob together in different countries, like I did for 2 years but needed to stop doing that, because I wasn't good at sales. 2. Having a car accident on a slippery road at 100 km/h hitting the fence at the side of the road on a highway, but not having any injuries, just wrecking my car.
The reason why I think that it's because of losing the connection with my friend is because I am thinking about our friendship every day and I asking simple questions like "would you want to hang out tonight?" or "what are your plans for the weekend?" just come out so difficultly now. I keep overthinking whether to ask those things or not, because most of the times I never get a straight answer anyway and a lot of the times I have got an answer that's just "no" or "i don't know yet" and then the conversation is basically over. I never get any other participation from him in any conversations, just simple straight answers and no willingness to discuss anyhing or ask "why I was asking". We can go weeks without talking, unless I start a conversation with him. The weird part is that whenever we are together and do something then we act like old times and everything is completely fine and we tease each other with the same old jokes like we used to do normally. But the connection we had, seems to be gone. I am not the first person he goes to about things anymore and the first person he always asks opinions from. Not even second, or third or fourth anymore. Just no interaction anymore.
The thing is, he's been in a relationship for a 1,5 years and I totally understand. That's why I have also given them a lot of space and instead of hanging out with him everyday like we used to, I only give him a ring or a message on the weekends (and not every weekend) just asking whether he has any plans and if he would be interested in doing something.
Whenever I am together with him again and everything is like it used to be, I don't feel the symptoms of my depression either. My symptoms are all quite physical: lump in my throat, fatigue in legs and sometimes hands, shortness of breath, the feeling as if my heart is pounding real fast, nervous feeling in my stomach the whole day.
My actions have started to change as well, because what I keep doing is that I have been trying to spend the least amount of time at home as I can. I have literally started setting appointments with all my other friends and even some people I have not been talking to for years. Just going out to eat, to the zoo, to the beach, for a walk, looking beautiful landmarks. I keep trying to escape and sometimes it does take my mind off things, but most of the times I can still feel the nervousness and that I am not enjoying the things that I used to. I have literally taken several roadtrips across several countries and islands with different friend groups (just randomly even asking friends from completely different groups that haven't even seen each other) just driving and driving and trying to get away. I feel like I am running away from something but I don't know what it is. Even today, I just woke up and went to the bookstore just flipping through books alone and just shopping in clothes stores, not even needing or wanting anything (nor did I buy anything).
My self-confidence has been low my whole life, but I have always had a positive attitude about life and I absolutely love life. I love everything about life and I have always found enjoyment in little things (like meeting people from different cultures, hiking a mountain) and doing things that regular people just don't usually do (winter swimming, living abroad in a Mexican family, going door-to-door etc.). Not that there would be a huge amount of things, but I am always all-for-it when someone asks me if I want to do anything like that and I am not afraid to try or afraid to break the routine.
After the physical side effects of depression started to emerge, I had no idea I had depression. I went to multiple doctors and they all said that I am completely healthy and fine. They took all blood tests and urine tests and everything. I felt so hopeless and I knew something was wrong and I finally went to Instant Care Clinic and when they were doing the test that shows the heart-rate they said that I have depression and all symptoms say that I have depression.
I feel so helpless, because I know me and my best friend are okay and we're going to stay friends for a very-very long time and I wouldn't even mind seeing him couple of times in a two-week span if that's the case and what's been currently going on anyway. I just need to get rid of this feeling. I can't go on with my daily life because I just feel so awful everyday. I actually LOVE going to work because it gets my mind off things and I can interact with people in my office and having fun, so it's a win-win.
I just don't know what to do when I am alone? I used to even enjoy some days when I could just be alone and just surf the web for a day, or watch a movie or just walk my dog. Now I can't bear it, I keep running away and escaping. Do you have any suggestions?
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