What so much to let go of this life

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The past six days I have been feeling excessively tired but unable to sleep. Monday evening I started to feel like my mind was on fire though come the evening I started to become ravaged by feelings of having this deep feeling inside leaving me feeling empty, numb and void of any emotion to the point where I could not care if I live or die, this has left me feeling life is not worth it anymore and now I just feel, wish I was no longer here. Last night the feelings became too much to bare and I done something I have not done in over four years but the pain deep inside became so overwhelming I ultimately took a razor to my arm. I didn't make small incisions, I carved words into my arm. In the past the pain of cutting and sight of my own blood made me feel alive again but last night I just felt nothing, no pain, no emotion, no anything so I am now at the point where all I want to do is fall into a deep sleep from which I will never awake from by any means necessary. I feel i am just a drain on society, an embarrassment to and a failure to my family.

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3 Replies

  • Posted

    Colin. I am particularly moved by your post, because my son's name is Collin. He's 26, and he suffers from depression and overwhelming feelings at times. He has actually described his feelings in similar ways to you -- his mind being "on fire". I don't always fully understand why he's feeling those thoughts, because he's smart and funny and well liked, and loved more than he knows. But, love and humor and intelligence doesn't mean anything when your mind and heart feel so deeply something entirely different.

    I can't always fully understand his feelings, just like I can't fully understand your... But, I can tell you what I tell him, what had helped him when feelings of despair threaten to drown him. There is a website, JW.org, and he uses it regularly to find articles, videos, and helpful encouragement that shows solid evidence why you and all of is have reason to believe that this life is worth living, and that very soon all of our pain and heartache and sorrow will be gone forever, that earth will be a place where we want to live because everything that causes us physical and mental pain will be gone forever.

    Right now, there are articles entitled "Is Life Worth Living", and "Will We Ever Feel Safe and Secure". I think you'll find them encouraging, too.

    Please don't give up. You owe it to yourself to find out the truth about why we suffer, and the real relief that is coming very, very soon.

    If you want to, let me know what you think of the website and the articles. Or, let me know if you'd like to connect with my Collin. He would be happy, I'm sure, to talk to you and tell you what he goes through, what helps him, and why he has strong hope that we won't always be in a world, or a state of pain and turmoil.

    Be well.

    Miss Shawn

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    • Posted

      What doesn't help is that I suffer and have to live with bipolar affective disorder everyday. While the highs induced by the mania can leaving you feeling really good they also carry risks while the lows caused by the depression are crippling leaving me physically and mentally drained from fighting so hard to stay sane. I feel so numb and empty inside while feeling my soul has been taken from me and my heart ripped out. I honestly feel I can no longer live in this world. I just can not explain to people, especially my family, how this sick deep empty feeling leaves me feeling. I am no longer who I once was. The happy laughing fun loving person inside died a long time ago.

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    • Posted

      That sounds awful. I am sorry you have to suffer like that. It is especially hard to see any hope for improvement when you are in the thick of these feelings -- or lack of feeling. There is real comfort in the promise that "in just a little while longer" all pain, sorrow and suffering will end. It is guaranteed. Go to the website I told you about, and see if something appeals to you and moves you to have hope of better things to come.

      Keep talking, even if just to me. It helps. Get on the other side of this. There is another side to this. The earth will not always be full of despair. It will be completely transformed into a place where we will want to live. That is a promise. Find out why you can be sure of that.

      Don't give up. Keep fighting, but not alone.

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