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Right now my door is closed, but I hear my son talking a lot in the other room. I love it when he talks a lot. I want to open the door and come out and see him, and give him attention. I want to listen intently to what he's saying and it will make him feel confident, like he has something useful to offer the world. If I do this for him for every day, I can offer him enough love to feel good about himself. He made me proud by existing. He will make the world proud by becoming a good man.
That's the plan anyway.
instead, i've been distracted recently with other projects. In fairness to me, it's been a productive distraction. Not to brag, but I've managed to construct my own special prison where I currently reside. I didn't lock myself in and throw away they key. I'm not stupid. I said it was special.
Actually, I'm free to walk out any time, as long as I pay for the freedom with my son's feelings of safety and security. It's not a big deal. It's just that when sadness can't be hidden in a family it short circuits the ability to transfer to him feelings of self worth, confidence, and the simple comfort that comes from feeling that everything is alrightYou see, kids are smart. Should it be my fault that they sense tension and stress so easily? Maybe the problem is they get too precocious for their own damn good. I've got projects that have to be worked on. This prison wasn't going to build itself.
It's not all bad. He and I have had some good days in the past. Good feelings were transferred. Maybe we'll have plenty more once I can get done with my projects. Isn't that good enough? Why can't people just trust me that he is a good boy and that they should be proud of him? He is pure joy personified, worth giving your life for without hesitation. It's so inescapable, maybe he doesn't need my help and people will just know what I know.
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