What Sunshine Sounds Like

Posted , 6 users are following.

Right now my door is closed, but I hear my son talking a lot in the other room.  I love it when he talks a lot.  I want to open the door and come out and see him, and give him attention. I want to listen intently to what he's saying and it will make him feel confident, like he has something useful to offer the world. If I do this for him for every day, I can offer him enough love to feel good about himself. He made me proud by existing.  He will make the world proud by becoming a good man.  

That's the plan anyway.

instead, i've been distracted recently with other projects. In fairness to me, it's been a productive distraction. Not to brag, but I've managed to construct my own special prison where I currently reside. I didn't lock myself in and throw away they key.  I'm not stupid.  I said it was special.

Actually, I'm free to walk out any time, as long as I pay for the freedom with my son's feelings of safety and security.  It's not a big deal.  It's just that when sadness can't be hidden in a family it short circuits the ability to transfer to him feelings of self worth, confidence, and the simple comfort that comes from feeling that everything is alrightYou see, kids are smart. Should it be my fault that they sense tension and stress so easily?  Maybe the problem is they get too precocious for their own damn good.  I've got projects that have to be worked on. This prison wasn't going to build itself.

It's not all bad.  He and I have had some good days in the past. Good feelings were transferred. Maybe we'll have plenty more once I can get done with my projects.  Isn't that good enough?  Why can't people just trust me that he is a good boy and that they should be proud of him?  He is pure joy personified, worth giving your life for without hesitation. It's so inescapable, maybe he doesn't need my help and people will just know what I know.

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    I wish my dad talked to me in that way. sad Nice story.👍

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  • Posted

    Open the door.

    Have that conversation you may consider unpleasant, inconvenient, or difficult.  You can't really plan it, just blurt it out if you have to.  There may, or may not, be unpleasantness and or discomfort.  Buck up buttercup.  There are few more important things in your, or your son's life, that will be more important than the realization that you trusted him with the most intimate parts of your life.  Your very being.

    Your son will forget all the things you shielded him from, but he will never forget when you linked arms, needed him, and loved him in the most important way.

    Father's leave many things for their sons.  None are more important than the lessons of life they learn from our weaknesses and failures, revealed with love rather than the successes revealed with pride.

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  • Posted

    I don't have my dad I buried him along with some of me 5 years ago. I so desperately miss him. I don't have kids either because I was stupid enough to be raped twuce. I am being punished by God because I was stupid enough to be raped. Just feeling sad today sorry.

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    • Posted

      Sam, the question is, should you tell someone something important, even if you know for a fact they won't believe you?  What's the point?  I don't know if there is a point but I'm going to tell you anyway.

      First, you're not stupid. I'm not some kind of nice guy so I would tell you if I thought you're stupid and you're not. But how do we know you won't become stupid? Fine, feel free to ask every six months and I promise to certify you stupid if it happens.

      The point is these false messages get in our head (mine are different but no better or worse than yours) and somehow God could descend from heaven and we probably would explain why he's wrong.  It's ridiculous, and I'm sick of it, but I don't know what we can do.  For now, I'll just tell you the hard core scientific fact that you are not stupid, and you of course will not believe me.  This is our life.

      While we're on a roll, being assaulted is not your fault. I'm pretty sure you've heard that 1,000 times so it won't do any good. I don't care actually.  If we're not able to cure each other here, lets make it 1,001 rather than than do nothing.

      Now I've made my bed and I'll have to lay in it. I'll probably be back here later complaining about being a worthless loser and now have to brace myself for the fact you may reply with your own totally unbelievable statement about it not being true.

      You see the predicament we're in? The truth is smacking us in the face all the time and we walk around suffering because we can't see what is one inch in front of our face.  Is it because we're too much stupid or too much worthless losers?

       

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    • Posted

      Hey Sam

      You are not being punished by God. Blame the people who hurt you. They are the evil ones who hurt you. My condolences for your dad's death even though it's been five years. A parents death will always hurt no matter how many years pass by they will always be the most important person in our lives. 🙌You need to get therapy and talk to therapist about the way you feel. 👍

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    • Posted

      You're not stupid or losers. It's your mind telling you lies. (Depression)Dont listen. Keep telling yourself positive feedback every time a bad thought comes. 👍 The negative thoughts will fade away when you no longer listen to them. You will be much happier.👏smile

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    • Posted

      thank you ashley for kind and helpful words.

      I started out trying to encourage sam but flew off the handle a bit.  i still know for a fact she is not stupid.  maybe next time i'll just say the one sentence and be done.

      You say our mind tells us lies, which is true of course.  Its hard to understand though how sometimes we can even know they are lies and still not escape from them.  How is that even possible?

      Anyway, take care.

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    • Posted

      Hey Sam stop that now!  You are not stupid and rape is never your fault.  It is always the fault of the rapist no matter what the circumstances. 

      You are NOT being punished by God,  you are being punished by yourself.  Stop taking the blame for things that aren't your fault.  If you haven't already seek help please. 

       

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  • Posted

    Thank you so much kind people I'm so sorry I got so upaet. I do have some counselling set up, just waiting for a start date. As for my dad's death I have had some counselling for this already, I'll be ok, I just sometimes get really sad.

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