When does it get better?

Posted , 5 users are following.

I was married for 14 years. We were happy, I thought. I had been a house wife for a very long time. His choice not mine. When I finally went back to school I had to keep my major a secret. My ex always said I couldnt do nursing. It was to stressful and I couldnt handle it. It had always been my dream to be a nurse. When I started to go to school things were very stressfull. Eventually he found out I was going for nursing. He would pick fights with me nights before major tests. He would start fights while I was trying to study. The stress got to me. We had had some problems before that led to me having trust issues with him. We got into a huge fight one night. I was at my wits end. I said it. I wanted a divorce. I didnt even mean it. I was just mad. then he finally admited to cheating. I was heart broken. I mean I knew it all along but having him admit it was brutal. He spent the next two months telling me what an aweful human being I was. He emptied our bank account and wouldnt let me leave unless where I went was walking distance or to run a house hold chore. I wanted to take it back, but how could I when everyday he was tearing me down. Slowly killing who I was every day. After Christmas I left. I had to leave my children with him. He made all the money and I was a poor student. after I moved we began to talk again. slowly. We were intamet. We went through with the divorce. I felt like it would be best if we started over. we made a date to talk. a week after the papers were signed. we didnt get married on the right terms and the first few years of our marraige was hard. I wanted to start over. I wanted to date, get to know each other and eventually be equalls in our relationship. Something I never felt like I was. The week we were supposed to meet he met a new girl. this was four monthes ago. They got engaged last week. The depression weighs on me like a ton of bricks. I have cried everyday for the past 7 months. Evn though my kids are ith me for the summer It still doesnt help. I have to hide and cry. Its getting hard to keep it together at work. I still have a year of school left. 13 months to be exact. Once im out of school im taking what ittle money I can save and Im moving back home to be with my boys. Im so scared that while im in school my ex will do something to try and take my kids away. He doesnt want them, but he so mad at me for telling him i love him and emailing him, and trying to make him reconsider that he already took back the car he gave me while we were married and he threatned to get a restraining order. Now he doesnt talk to me at all. My depression is so bad that its physically painful. My anxiety is eating me alive. In 7 months im down from 230lbs to 150lbs and still losing. I no longer have insurance to get medical attention and Im dont want to fail out of Nursing school because I cant control the sadness. Does anyone have any advice? Anyone ever been through something similar and made it through to the other side? I feel so alone, so lost and confused and so unloved. It hurts. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Katherine

    My heart goes out to you as I have been through a controlling relationship myself..It takes all your confidence and leaves you feeling so helpless and worthless.  I have been through the depression, anxiety and weight loss your going through now.  

    You need to go to the doctor and explain to him/her how you feel and what your going through. You need more support from a womens support group that deals with situations like this and you could also do with some counselling to get you throught his difficult period.

    I know this feels like hell on earth right now and you probably feel you have lost the person you once were.  But with time and small steps you are going to get through this. But you need support to help you do this..

    I would advise you to have as little contact with your husband as possible as this will only keep you in a state of stress and give him ammunition to cause you more upset.  

     

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    • Posted

      It was a little weird, His new fiances name is Laura. Knocked the wind out of me for a min. Just seeing the name gave me anxiety. I really ned help. 
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    • Posted

      Its ok Katherine I can totally understand your reaction to the name.

      You are living on your nerves at the minute due to the stress you are under so your more sensitive to a lot of things you normally would not be.

      Is there no support groups where you live for women that have been in an abusive marriage? You definitely need some sort of support right now.

      You are going to go through a roller coaster of emotions in getting through this but your determination to get your course finished will keep you focused on the goal you want to achieve in the end..

      Like the rest of the girls have said on here you will get through this and come out a stronger and wiser person for it.. I know how hard it is after everything you have put into the marriage but the way your husband has treated you speaks volumes about the type of person he is..

      Your not a failure because you done everything to look after your children, home and husband.  If anything he is the failure because he doesn't know how to be a decent human being..

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    • Posted

      The town I live in is very very small. There are support groups in the bigger town an hour away but since he took back my car I have no way to get there for now. All my money is going in to fix an old car my mom is letting me use. Once it is fixed, if I have time before school starts back in August I plan to see someone for help. I want to be the old me. I want to be happy around my kids again.. thank you for being here to talk to me, and support me. I'm starting to feel a little better. The only problem is I start to feel better and then something happens, and I fall back. I hope time will help. And thank you again.

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    • Posted

      Keep talking and getting it all out katherine rather than deal with it on your own until you can get some sort of support..

      When you say you have moments where youstart to feel better and then something happens I am going to assume that is coming form your husbands end.. Try to put as much distance as you can from him and don't buy into his games.. Hard I know but the more you move away emotionally from him the easier it is going to get..It is not going to happen over night but the more you build up your own confidence, find your footing again and have your life back the easier it will get..

      Your not going to get the old you back so let go of that idea but your going to get a new you..Stronger, wiser, confident, quailifed in nursing and independent..

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    • Posted

      Most of the time I hear things about him it's through mutual friends. That's how I found out they got engaged that's how I found out they go out of town a lot together. He leaves my kids alone a lot. Even though they are old enough to be left alone I don't find it fair to them but at the same time I'm glad she isn't spending time with them. I feel replaced as a mother. I feel like I was never loved. There are so many things he does for her that I asked for multiple times. Time alone. Trips alone. Acknowledgment of anniversaries and birthdays. I used to ask him at night in bed to sing to me and he would get mad. He made her a whole series of himself singing to her on YouTube. I can't bare to think I wasn't loved the way a woman should be for 14 years. All I seem to do is talk about it. To the point my friends are sick of me. I'm glad there are people out there willing to listen to me talk. Thank you.

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    • Posted

      Katherine from my experience in these types of relationships your husband is intentionally giving this new partner everything to reel her in and its working.  Plus the better he treats her then it can make you look like a liar and she won't see past the real him..  Please don't buy into any of this it is all a game.  He is not treating her like gold because he gives a damn its all control and manipulation..

      A leopard never changes its spots and your already seeing how bad things where from the start. The more you recognise the easier it will get to let go fo the love side of things.. Yes your going to feel a lot of pain and anger all very normal.. Your mood will fluctuate all very normal for what you have been through and you might get moments you will think am I losing my mind NO..

      You are talking loads about it because part of you is in shock about everything that has happened and your trying to process it all.  Your starting to recognise everything that has went on.. It is very important that you DO NOT turn this all inwards and beat yourself up.. You are not responsible for someone elses behaviour because you genuinely loved this person and done everything you could to look after your marriage.  regretfully this man did not and will never appreciate any of this because its not in him too..

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    • Posted

      A lot of what youre saying is very acurate. I know my ex has told all of his friends that I blew all of his money. The reason he has nothing in savings, or owns a house is because of me. no one stopes and looks.. When I left I took nothing. Nothing was mine. He is the one with a $700 a month car, a $400 a month motercycle, multiple expensive fire arms, A brand new amazing gaming computer, Loot crates every month. When I spent our money I spent it out doing things with our kids. School clothes, the zoo, a museum, Im not going to lie. I did spend money to do things for myself. I enjoyed going to festivals and taco tuesday with friends. All things I invited him to and he ws never interested. I think youre right about him not changing and just doing what he has to to look good for her. He never ever wanted to do anything with me. He goes to baseball games every week and I know he hates baseball. He never wanted me to go with him to game shops and learn table top games. that was his time. But he loves that she is really into it and they are constantly spending money to go out of town to tournaments. Yet this girl still thinks I blew every penny my ex had. I didnt even get to keep the used car he bought me as a "gift". I swear all he seems to think about is money. I know he is making me out to be a bad guy, my ex mother in law contacted me a while back and told me to leave her son alone, i broke his heart and he is finally happy again and now I cant stop him from seeing her. I sent her a message asking her if she really thought i could stop him from doing anything. I had zero control in the relationship. none at all. I have been revisiting memories of us, but theyve been the bad ones. One particularly bad memory is of when I had a miscarrage back a few years ago. I was three months along. I was in a lot of pain, had several appointments before they determaned the baby was in the tube. My last visit to the doctor I was rushed to the hospital. I was there from 9 am to 3am. I cried and begged for my husband. I was scared, sad and heart broken. He stayed home to play video games. His brother came instead. He was there when I woke up, helped me get dressed, got my meds, took me home. He said he offered to stay with my kids while my husband came to the hospital but my husband said it was ok, i would be fine. I resented him a lot for a long time for that. I shouldnt have been alone. He should have been there. We lost a baby. I just remember things like that. sure signs of no love. Just a man who met a girl who was easy to keep and manipultae to his will. I waited on him hand and foot. helped him achive his goals and now when its my turn Im doing it alone.  It really really sucks and I really really just wanna cry and sleep, but im moving, im going, I want my kids to see me do something on my own so they know Im strong. Thank you Laura. Talking with you has helped me so much. Just being able to vent to you, and you seem to say things I need to hear. I really appreciate you right now. Thank you. 

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    • Posted

      Katherine you have been through a horrendous time and your husband has never been there for you.. i am going to private message you to go inot a bit more detail rather than go over it allover this forum..
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  • Posted

    Do u realize how much u have already overcome? And only 13 months of school left on top of it??? You have absolutely, 100% got this!!! Yes, it hurts; yes, its painful... But u are a fighter and it shows. At the end of the day, u are still standing, trudging along thru the hurt and let downs. Alot of people cant handle heartbreak like that and keep going; yet, look at you still plugging along! Do NOT quit, please??? I dont even know you, but im so proud of you...
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    • Posted

      When I look at it now I feel like a failure still. I helped him get to where he is today, I supported him, raised our kids, kept our house paid our bills. All he had to do was work and come home. I knew his job was stressful I wanted to make his life as easy as possible. Back rubs every morning, I laid his clothes out made his meals. Now He has everything we built, including our kids and Im here with nothing. I do have family. I do have the support of my kids. And Ive already been in school for a year. There is no way I'm going to fail. The only way I can be with my kids is to finish school nd get a job. I will accomplish this goal no matter what. Honestly my kids are the only things getting me out of bed everyday. I will make it through. I will finish and I will be my own person. Thank you for your encouragment. People like you and Laura11452 make the world a better place smile 

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    • Posted

      Hi there is no way you are a failure and I greatly admire your grit and determination to get away from this awful abusive man.  Coz that's what he is and you deserve far better.  He is the failure and he will do the same things to the next woman who is unlucky enough to fall in love with him. 

      You on the other hand will get your degree,  a good job and will one day meet someone worthy of you.   Well done.  x

       

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    • Posted

      Thank you. While a relationship is the farthest thing from my mind, the idea that someday i'll be able to move on is exciting. Thank you for the encouragement. I hope that in a years time I can come back here and tell you all that I've made it!

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