Where do I start?

Posted , 5 users are following.

I've recently been 'diagonosed' as depressed! I know (really) there could be many resaons (but i'm not quite sure how to tell my story - ) i took an overdose whilst drunk one night and now i'm where I am!

I've always been a 'know it all' (I know nothing really! - I just think I do!).

I want to try and help people (i havn't got a clue how to help myself!)

I try to fo the right thing (what is that?)

I don't want to lose my job (It pays for my house!)

I don't want to lose my house (It makes me seem normal)

I scared of being classed as 'mad' (I know i'm not - am I ?)

I'm a loving person (I love to love)

I want to be happy - (what is happiness?)

I want to understand why I feel the way i do?

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  • Posted

    :D God, you sound like little old me! I remeber when I was 14 , I ner=arly lost my mum and sister to a nasty car crash. Which I saw the residue. Then 5 weeks on, mum had ptsd, then her sister died with breast cancer, which I got , quite literally blamed of, I tried to keep up a school. I tried so hard. I would cry every night..then at new year I found drink,,, it numbed everything...I fell asleep on my friends bed, but because I am no fun , they tried to drag me out. I remeber syaing no please let me sleep, then ran away from them, I was found outside my fathers flat , dripping in mud, and puke wih a very low temp. I was taken to hosp...my mumwas there when I awoke, new years day. A psychs person came to talk to me , told me that I was extremely underweight, 7stone, and was there anything wrong? Weel, as anyone would, yep...try denial...then you can go to your own bed!!!! So that was the start for me!!!! Probably my end too!
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  • Posted

    :lol: All i am saying , is I dont think you are mad atall, you sound a bit like me, maybe you feel like you are /have underachieved, I dont know? Feel free to speak about it , anything at anytime, I have an open mind , so i will not judge you , on anything, Take care, chin up, Tiny Tears!
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  • Posted

    I feel like i've just awoken from a couple of weeks of hell - maybe its the tablets (been prescribed prozac) or maybe - just maybe i'm talking myself back to reality. Who knows.

    I do talk to myself quite a lot!

    I've spent the last three weeks literally just sleeping and feeling sorry for myself, i've come to the conclustion that maybe I just need to change little old me. I've got to the grand old age of 30 ha ha, and have decided that I'm gonna go to counselling and 'tell all'.

    I'm realising that i've never spoke to anyone about what happened all those years ago (apart from one incident and no-one believed me!) because i've always felt that if I tell anyone what has gone on and what goes on in my head then it all becomes a reality - maybe thats my mistake, because i havn't admitted anything out loud - then its all make believe and some days are just better than others then i can pretend again that it never happened coz no-one knows - and there becomes the roundabout!

    I don;t want to get dizzy no more

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  • Posted

    Gosh! Bloo, what you have described sounds like me! How many years ago are you talking? Its awful feeling like that, but you do have to stop making yourself feel dizzy!! Let it out. I am 31 and feel exactly like you! I am scared also, that no one will believe me. I am soo scared that sometimes i think that having a head spin, in a black tunnel, maybe is not that bad. Now, though I , like you have decided to do something about it. Good luck, Luv Tiny Tears.
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  • Posted

    I'm here again, just been out tonight, wanted to feel normal, even felt good about myself, even just for a lil while, i've lost some weight, thought i looked good! Did my boyfriend notice - ha not! - Love him to pieces, not good enough - is this about him or about me! I don't know anymore.

    He knows about the prozac, thinks it a good enough excuse that 'i'm goin mad'? - ' his words 'if you were doin coke r heroin u'd hav an excuse!'

    I'm not - if its not good enough for him then he an go b'blah' himself! I'm gonna do this either with or without him! - now he's gone ( for tonight who knows? )

    Want to thank you all for bein here - even tho you're all are anon! (it makes it all easier), (Makes me feel good - and strong (even for a moment).

    And do you know what else, i will, and you will too - get throo it all - coz if your here and you wanna help yourslelf, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, you will too!.

    I'm going to get better, with or without him, i want to and its going to make me stronger too! (even if i don't belive that at this particular moment! - although i'd love to get better with him!).

    Tiny tears - \"am talkin a long time ago! I was three or four, then six or seven - then nine or ten, i can't even remember anymore, (i just know what happened!) - we'll get throo it \"xx

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  • Posted

    :cry: Oh Bloo....(I have an idea in my mind what you are talking about!!!). Not nice...I hope I am wrong!!!!

    Yes, you went for help as you know you are not yourself. Its a brave thing...dont you think? I mean....you could continue wallowing in self pity for the rest of your life, and half your life by tuning to somesort of drug for comfort. But, really...you dont want to. Sounds like you have been through enough abuse. I hope you ..and your boyfriend, get through it together...stay strong. YOU KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!!! (easier said than done). I think you are being brave, ......think of it like this....why should I have to suffer anymore? [b:c5473303d7] I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Good Luck Bloo, stay brave, luv Tiny Tears.[/b:c5473303d7]

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  • Posted

    I do deserve to be happy - [b:b508f73004]and so does everyone else! I will be happy.

    [/b:b508f73004]

    Seriously though, i'm beginning to think, it really isn't me - i know I have my problems, but it seems that other people do too, but unfortunately - i can't help them til i've helped myself.

    It's gonna be a long road to recovery and i'm ready to take that journey.

    It is possible, just reading some of the stories here have helped.

    Again - thanks all :D

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  • Posted

    :D :D Bloo...YOU CAN DO IT!!!!... You have to believe me...it is so difficult and such a lonely place,...but you will get there...somehow...if you are anything like me...you have to identify the [b:3015892cad]Triggers which set you off on your long spirals down. I think if you can do this ,...then you can get better...(She says after another outburst yesterday!!!) I guess sometimes it just seems uncontrollable and the world seems a really unfair place!!! But we are here and hopefully have somesort of okay physical health to get us over our mental health issues. Bloo, take care and if you feel you want to write more, I will happily listen to you. Take care, luv Tiny Tears. smile smile smile [/b:3015892cad]
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  • Posted

    Hey, I'm behind you too, been there, done that. If you need to talk, I'll listen. Sounds like you are at the start of sorting yourself out. Go for it, you will get there, I know, I've done it. :chick:
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  • Posted

    Ginantonic 16..how did it go? Hope you are okay???? I mellowed myself on wine..............could not stop shaking!!!!!!! Luv, Tiny Tears...........just wish today and the past did not exist for me.....then maybe everything would have been okay!!!!
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  • Posted

    [b:40e70cf9ca]Bloo, how are you? Remeber, honsety , (huh like I should talk ,,, inacpable me unable to snitch on my partner..............though, I have my reasons!!!!). Bloo, I hope you are okay, speak anytime youso wish!!!!!!!!!! it is an awful sensitve painful, lonely , isolating , grief sticken , taboo subject!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But you WILL be okay, as long as you are honest(she says after lying her back teeth off about partners abuse!!!) But you could try.. I know I am not the strongest at th mo...............but I really do understand, luv, Tiny Tears,[/b:40e70cf9ca]
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  • Posted

    Hi

    Just been taking some time out of everything to think - why is it that you always end up back to where you started though :? :?

    Still waiting to speak to a counsellor - I'm starting to dread it, now I know its getting closer! I just don't know where to start! Everything is so jumbled and I just can't help thinking that I'm gonna walk into a room and speak to a person about things that are so personal and can't help thinking that if I were them that I'm some kind of loon! ha ha :oops:

    I've spent so long trying to bury the past that I just can't remember some things - yet other things that happened around the same times I can remember as if it were yesterday.

    I'm feeling much better of late, not sure how much the prozac has to do with it though. I started to take them in the morning as advised through my GP and found that I just wanted to sleep more, except that I sleeping through the day and awake most of the night, it also made my appetite almost vanish. I have now changed to taking them at night, I'm still wide awake for most of the night though and when I do wake up - round about noon - I feel like I could eat Britain! Also I feel like I don't feel much about anything - its like my emotions are on hold

    * I watched a film the other day that normally makes me cry buckets - yet not so much of a drop!

    * The dog - peeing on the carpet!- normally makes me want to scream :evil: , I was just kinda 'oh well, best clear it up! - poor dog does't know any different!!

    * Boyfriend - not rinsing the sink out after a shave - normally makes my blood boil :twisted: , just rinsed it out myself, and had yet another ciggarette!

    Its quite a strange time - I feel like I have so much to say, yet don't - won't - can't - (not sure which) talk about it, all the while things just keep whizzing round in my head.

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  • Posted

    Hi Bloo..how are you now?

    I feel the same, incapable of anything! Iam worried that I used to loose it casue I was soo upset about stuff, but that it was a normal reaction to a stessful situation. Now I just bite my bottom lip and ignore the real issues.[b:59d3ef05e7]Bloo, I dont know about you, but I have this thing where I cant stand anyone touching me...I am fine with my children and my cat, they are innocent, but everyone else can go get lost! I cant handle that stuff, My appetit is sloly coming back but I dont want to put on another pound! :cry: :cry: But its more than vanity, its more that I dont want my body the way it was, so that I can shut the abusers out and think nah nah, you dont know me anymore...does that make any sense to you :?:

    Have you joined the chatroom, you should its good to have a distracting chin wag! Hope you get better soon, keep in touch , luv Tiny Tears[/b:59d3ef05e7]

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  • Posted

    Hi tiny tears, i feel exactly the same the thought of any1 touchin me or even gettin close it just terrifies me. The last month has been hell on earth, a close cousin died 3 weeks ago unexpected (only 49) was scared stiff about goin 2 the funeral incase any1 tried 2 hug me, and then yesterday a very close uncle died again unexpectedly. I feel realy bad because im goin through loss of feelin and emotions and not been able 2 cry 4 any off them and people think im this realy hard faced cow that doesnt care. I do so much just not able 2 show it. Its not a very nice place 2 b. Y do we get put there? Next week is the aniversary of my best friends death (2 years and ive not grieved 4 her eather) is it all goin 2 hit me all at once and push me right over the edge?. Im so lost and alone. Sorry 2 go on and not in the mood 2 chear any1 up. U all take care and thank u 4 being there. :cry:
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