Where is the bottom?

Posted , 2 users are following.

I really don't know what's going on and I don't think I ever have. Some days I think that depression is just an excuse I give myself to be sad. But days like today when I feel the raw, aching pain of it I'm sure that it must be depression. Every time I feel like this I am certain that I have hit bottom. I haven't tried to kill myself yet, but still, the pain is bad enough to make it real for myself even if no one else has any tangible proof of it. 

I just want a doctor to sit me down and diagnose me. I'm sick of not knowing whether I'm going insane or just depressed or really just normal. I've changed doctors a few times now and all they know about me is the medical notes from my previous doctors. "Started on antidepressants for acute anxiety" or something like that. Yeah, that was back then, but a lot of stuff has happened since then with my mental state and I just wish someone would take me seriously. 

I digress. So today felt like any other day to start with but then I found out I might be losing my job (I can't be bothered going into specifics about this) and I have just been so weighed down ever since. As usual I cracked open the wine but even that, my one true remedy for times iike this, didn't help me. So I bought another and then in a moment of sheer hopelessness I opened up my mediction box which is full of perscriptions that I've gathered or stolen from my parents just in case I ever felt like killing myself or knocking myelf out for a few days. 

And you'd have thought that I'd overdose or something like that. No. I took a codeine pill. ONE. And couldn't bring myself to take any more because i was scared that i might die. I WANt TO DIE BUT I AM SCARED TO DIE. THIS IS MY PROBLEM.

And i know that's ridiculuous and I'm really bad at this whole -self-destruction- thing but thats just my mindset. I am so neurotic about everything. I just want someone to notice but i wouldn't ever dare speak about it or break down in front of someone. I live in this dichotomoy every day and it's slowly killing me but i don't know what to do. 

And i'm not looking for "you should speak to someone" or "we all feel like that sometimes" because these are exactly the type of recycled phrases that have sewn my mouth shut for so long. I just needed to rant. 

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear Danny,

    Your situation sounds horrendous! Have your parents or friends not picked up on how unhappy you are?

    I'd call the Samaritans - it's totally confidential - it might be good to let off some steam - if not, I'm always here if you want to talk.

    Let know how you're doing and please keep in touch!

    Take care,

    Zoe x

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    • Posted

      Sorry, hit the button a bit too soon. But yeah, thanks for your reply. 

      My family is a difficult one, because I have a sibling who suffers a much more severe form of mental disorder than me, and my family and I have spent years dealing with suicide attempts and the like. And I guess I feel really guilty about feeling the way I do because I look at my sister and she is so much worse. I have seen the tole that my sister's disorder has had on my parents and I just don't want to add to their distress by running to them for help when I'm not even sure I need any.

      This is how it goes with me - I have moments that feel like sheer insanity and then an hour or so later I look back and feel selfish and stupid. Like my initial post, it's not even coherent and it just looks so pathetic to me now. 

      I know it must seem really strange, and it does to me too. Like I said in the post, I can never be sure if I'm actually depressed or just having a bad day. I seem to have a lot more bad days and feel things more deeply than the average person, but that doesn't really translate to a diagnosis of depression or whatever else. I have only ever been diagnosed with anxiety, a year ago, and that's not so much a problem as it used to be. 

      I think I just lose perspective sometimes. It comes and goes. Right now I feel fine. I always seem to get through it and I guess that's all I can really ask for. 

      Thanks again

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    • Posted

      From what you've said, your feelings may be genetic...I could be wrong.

      However, your sister's situation is not your fault! Please remember that!

      Please don't do anything stupid - it's not worth it and, in time, you'll realise that you have a lot to live for.

      In saying that, you have to remember that you have to be happy in yourself (1ST)

      Again, I'm always here.

      Take care,

      Zoe x

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