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A little history about my life. My family split up when I was 14. My dad was in the navy and was never home; and when he was he treated me like I was a piece of s**t and neglected me. My mom was a full blown alcoholic. I was tossed back in forth between the two, and my aunt at one point until I was 17. I lost respect for both of them and because of bad parenting and to some extent my own actions I was homeless by the time I was 17. (I was always angry with there parenting and I expressed wanted to leave and eventually my dad let me run away, you could say.) Since then I've never had a stable life. I've lived on the streets about half of my adult life. (Currently 24) Shelter to shelter, state to state, couch to couch. I've had some stints where I'll do good, get a job, and put a roof over my head. I've even had a successful semester in a community college at one point where I earned straight As. The problem is though, this never last. Even when I have this stints where I'm doing good I'm still extremely depressed. Just as I was living on the streets, the emptiness is still there. I have EXTREME anxiety (I'm really awkward, and I isolate myself) I have no idea how to talk to people, at all. So forming new relationships is nearly impossible for me. Because of this I will literally give up my jobs and run away. It's always when I feel like I can't keep up an act of being some normal happy guy anymore, when I feel people start to see me for who I am; some weirdo that never talks and is always walking around all melancholy. I feel as though I have no place in this world. I don't belong.
I live in constant angst. I question the motives of society and people constantly. I completely isolate myself. I constantly day dream of a perfect life. I spend my days reading random forums, watching videos on YouTube, and playing video games, I always feel extremely tired, even though I'm young and physically healthy. Suicide is a thought I have everyday. (Multiple failed attempts in the past). I used to cry all the time, i just go numb now. I'm laying on my couch at my apartment as I write this, waiting for an eviction notice any day now. I stopped going to work, because of severe anxiety/depression. Co workers started pointing out the fact I was a loner (not even in a rude way) so I freaked out and stop going. It's almost like I feel they can see through me and who I really am. I'm so f*****g weak. This was the perfect job for me, and a good one. A desk job making 17 an hour living, I was able to be in my own world there. If I couldn't make this work, there's no way I could make anything else work out. I don't have a place in this world. Who am I? Where do belong? I feel like I'll never know.
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