Who am I?

Posted , 5 users are following.

A little history about my life. My family split up when I was 14. My dad was in the navy and was never home; and when he was he treated me like I was a piece of s**t and neglected me. My mom was a full blown alcoholic. I was tossed back in forth between the two, and my aunt at one point until I was 17. I lost respect for both of them and because of bad parenting and to some extent my own actions I was homeless by the time I was 17. (I was always angry with there parenting and I expressed wanted to leave and eventually my dad let me run away, you could say.) Since then I've never had a stable life. I've lived on the streets about half of my adult life. (Currently 24) Shelter to shelter, state to state, couch to couch. I've had some stints where I'll do good, get a job, and put a roof over my head. I've even had a successful semester in a community college at one point where I earned straight As. The problem is though, this never last. Even when I have this stints where I'm doing good I'm still extremely depressed. Just as I was living on the streets, the emptiness is still there. I have EXTREME anxiety (I'm really awkward, and I isolate myself) I have no idea how to talk to people, at all. So forming new relationships is nearly impossible for me. Because of this I will literally give up my jobs and run away. It's always when I feel like I can't keep up an act of being some normal happy guy anymore, when I feel people start to see me for who I am; some weirdo that never talks and is always walking around all melancholy. I feel as though I have no place in this world. I don't belong.

Currently:

I live in constant angst. I question the motives of society and people constantly. I completely isolate myself. I constantly day dream of a perfect life. I spend my days reading random forums, watching videos on YouTube, and playing video games, I always feel extremely tired, even though I'm young and physically healthy. Suicide is a thought I have everyday. (Multiple failed attempts in the past). I used to cry all the time, i just go numb now. I'm laying on my couch at my apartment as I write this, waiting for an eviction notice any day now. I stopped going to work, because of severe anxiety/depression. Co workers started pointing out the fact I was a loner (not even in a rude way) so I freaked out and stop going. It's almost like I feel they can see through me and who I really am. I'm so f*****g weak. This was the perfect job for me, and a good one. A desk job making 17 an hour living, I was able to be in my own world there. If I couldn't make this work, there's no way I could make anything else work out. I don't have a place in this world. Who am I? Where do belong? I feel like I'll never know.

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi brandon12590

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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  • Posted

    'Hi, Brandon12590.

    Following our last message to you, I notice that it looks as if you may be based in the USA. The Samaritans is  UK based charity, but there are several helplines in the US which can help you.

    They include the Crisis Call Center 

    Phone: (800) 273-8255

    Hopeline Network

    Phone: (800) 422-HOPE (1-800-422-4673)

    National Suicide Prevention Hotline

    Phone: (800) 273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

    Please do reach out - there are many good people who can help.

    Kind regards,

    Patient

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  • Posted

    A lot has changed for you since. you went from streets to apartment and that's a huge jump but wow. When I'm sad or depressed, I ask myself what's the one reason why I live and remind myself that I have to stay here because of that. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Brandon - have you seen any doctors or health care professionals about your state of being? I'm sorry you have had to suffer all your life in this way. As for your job, would it be possible to see your employer and explain how you feel and to give you another chance at work? Same with your landlord? Please talk to someone where you are that can help. It will be difficult, but it could be the answer for you.

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  • Posted

    Hi Brandon,

    If you are in the US there is a lot of support available.  I used to volunteer for the Samaritans in New Hampshire.  We were the 2nd busiest chapter in New England.  Knowing the mind set of the volunteers they would love to be a listening ear.  

    Being heard by someone is a gift and helps one move forward.  Many of the volunteers have experienced low spots in their lives and just want to give back.

    There are other resources of people on the mend.  There are also free government sponsored services considering the state you live in.  Do you currently have medical insurance?

    My best,  DL

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    • Posted

      You say there is a lot of support but I can never find any. I've tried to find mental health support groups and such but everything requires insurance. I've received counseling at times when I was homeless (on Medicare) but as soon as I get a job they take it away and I can't afford private insurance.. it's really discouraging. I wish there was something like that in my area, I'll have to look into it. Thanks for the reply.

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  • Posted

    Hi Brandon,

    What state do you live in?  One group would be those involved in 12 step recovery programs.  The are numerous themes of 12 programs that focus on various challenges that people experience. Most people know 12 step programs for those who are alcoholic or drug addicted but there are a number of other specialties that attract those wishing to be free of limiting behaviors.

    Withing the recovery community is a very cool support network and anyone could benefit from.  Since these groups are self governing but based on a simple structure there can be "good" meetings and "not so good" one.  Once you get tapped into a meeting you will have access to what are the "good" meetings to go to.

    Years ago I suffered a personal loss (no need to get into the details).  I felt like I needed an anchor in my life so I decided to attend AA meetings.  I didn't have a drinking problem but just needed to be around sober thinking people.  I attended a meeting for a couple months before things changed for me and I moved out of the area.

    At one time I moved on the coast of Maine (pre-internet) and found myself very lonely and, again, unanchored.  I met someone who talked me into going to a recovery group meeting as an opportunity to get introduced to a social network of people who were focused on making their lives better.  They even had social events only for those in "recovery".  I met a lot of really nice people and was enriched from the experience.

    I have since got involved in Mindfulness meditation.  After many years reading books and taking classes I feel that I have a better experience of things than I have had in the past.

    There are a lot of gold nuggets out there in life.  You just need to carve your way through the muck and find what turns you on.  You sound like a really smart guy and probably need a challenge/passion to kick into gear.  Are there any causes that you are passionate about?  Those passions can lift one out of the daily boring stuff.

    Again, it would help me if I knew what state you live in.  I might be aware of some groups or services that can offer you something.

    Have you ever been a victim of a crime or even sexual assault?  If so, there are services available to you depending on where you live.

    Best regards,  DL

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  • Posted

    On an added note:  I have found "who I am" more by realizing "who I am NOT".  For me, it's hard for me to define who I am but if you ask me what p****s me off or doesn't appeal to me I would be able to provide you with a long list.  It's all about identifying with your values.  Once you get an idea of your values then you have found your path; they way you view the world and you in it.

    I don't know if any of that makes sense but I just thought I would through it out.  At least it's food for thought.

    DL

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