Who am I, and what do I want?
Posted , 3 users are following.
Hi everyone. Katy I read in another thread your feelings about your partner, his lack of compassion, his deaf father who has apparently become part of the furniture etc., his total lack of care for you.
Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
My 32 year marriage ended when I filed for divorce after trying unsuccessfully to get my ex to address some education issues (among many things, but this was the catalyst) with our youngest daughter, then 7, now 10. I got to the point where I realised the only way I could provide for my daughter to be a happy, sport-playing, well adjusted contributing member of the community was to have the Court impose an order that I have time with her. I have not seen or spoken to my daughter for more than 12 months, because of my ex's intransigence.
I did not realise the bitterness that would ensue from my ex. Without access to my little girl, off work through injury, down I went to where depression took over and prevented rational thought, sleep, decision making or action to help myself. I was a mess, unable to prevent myself from crying at silly things, forgetting to take my meds and forgetting to pay bills.
In an effort to try making things better, I decided to correspond with a person, gender unknown, in Germany who had advertised on the net looking for an Australian penfriend. I did NOT want another relationship, had decided that all that was in the past, but wanted to correspond with someone from Europe because we in Australia tend to be quite parochial in our outlook at times.
After writing many, many emails to each other I realised that I really cared for and well, I had fallen in love with Bree. She and I have holidayed together and I will go to Germany soon to be with her. We talk to each other at least twice a day.
My point is Katy, you do not have to put up with a lack of love in your life, nor do you have to wear the insensitivity of your \"partner\". If it's broken and you honestly cannot see a way to fix it, or if it just is not worth it, for God's sake move out or kick him out. You will need to have a competent medical professional nearby for a while.
Please, after all this time, take time out to think about you. And after you have acted, and later found another man who will see the loving, caring wonderful girl behind the emails or whatever, at some point you may well ask yourself, \"Why did I cop that crap for so long?\"
You have a great sense of humour, Katy, and have helped others in this forum with your candid and caring posts. This life is your life. Make it the best you can sweetheart. xxx
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Guest
Posted
Hope you people are doing oay, Breezman, thank you yes, i know your right....still dont know...as tried to talk to my dad and he thinks that its my depression thats taking over me, rather than my partner, He thinks I need to take more responsibility and stay focused on that and then let whatever is going to happen , happe,. he has a point!!! So I am confused...dont want to talk about it...cause Ill get the pickled , I am worthless, guilt ridden , I have nothing , but want it all feelings, and then feel everything is pointless, feel in somesort of agony , think suiciadal thoughts, then look at my children and then feel even more guilty and then think more bad thoughts,,,and so on, right now I am in a better mood.
How are things your way? Hope you are managing to sleep? I ve back fired again , getting to sleep at about 5am, not too bad.but v tired, keep in touchand hope things are improving with tyour custody battle , lots of love Tiny tears.
Breezman
Posted
Aly, I think your idea of one day meeting up is a great idea. It's a bit difficult for me for a little while as I'm in the middle of a custody battle for my daughter, property settlement issues (no point arguing, the lawyers will get it all anyway at the rate we're going), trying to start a new business and continuing to work for the man. Plus I have a pond and a few hills to get over in order to get to your wonderful green country. But perhaps in the next 12 months we could aim for a weekend all together somewhere. You would know best where is a nice relaxing place to go. Perhaps a quiet place where we could all sit around together, see a live show or maybe discuss with each other where we are at?
Melbi I came across some posts of yours which really concerned me, but have just read one where you indicate you are going on a bender. Hey sweetheart, you really need to try and find a substitute for the bottle, but you've got to start by changing your self image. If you repeat a mantra like, \"I am getting happier, I don't need alcohol in my life\" every morning and every night, it doesn't matter if you believe it or not, your subconscious mind will act on it. The subconscious mind has no facility for logic. That is why in a dream you can step off a cloud into a battlefield with Roman soldiers and be invisible to them, before watching a polar bear cub and its mother frolicking on polar ice without fear of being noticed. It is because the subconscious will give you what you ask for, and at the moment we who suffer with depression are not happy enough to keep pumping happy signals to our subconscious, so what we get is what we ask for. Deeper and deeper. I guarantee you, absolutely, if you repeat that mantra morning and night, don't ever miss, if you write it on a paper and stick it on your mirror, if you read it often ... in 90 days you won't even want alcohol and for some strange reason you will feel a little more positive. I'm still on the Citalopram, but I will discuss with the doctor soon my desire to reduce it before getting off it altogether. And I have a mantra concerning my daughter which is positive and helpful. I felt I needed to start with something I really wanted, and I am gradually getting it together.
Katy, if you were ever lucky, your partner loved you once. If not, if you really believe that you both were mistaken and can never be really happy, ask yourself what you want. Since I got my divorce I have been freed from a worsening situation and my ex is still spewing poison into the universe. I don't have time to hate. I am indifferent to her threats now, but her negativity does affect me. I have sold our farm 5 times now, during the worst drought in history, and she refuses to sign the contracts, which will ultimately cause the banks to foreclose. I am at present seeking a court order to allow me to sell the property without her signature, and for the proceeds to be held in escrow until a judge awards amounts to each of us. So I received another letter from her through my solicitor yesterday which would have spun me out but instead I just thought, the hell with it, let the solicitors argue. I just want to sell everything, divide it however, and move on.
As for you Katy, being asked for ID means you are not the ugly old fat old poor thing you've described yourself as here. You look young enough to be asked to prove you are of age, so hang on to that positive thought!
Things are generally pretty good here, or as good as they can be living in a granny flat at my sister's house and looking after myself. I am truly lucky to have my sister, as she is the only family I care to be near and we are very close. I also get on very well with my brother-in-law, and we help each other out a lot. So I don't discuss my health problems with them, but they offer a normality and a daily rhythm which I struggle to keep up with but it's helpful for me t
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Tonight I couldnt give a sh*t about him you or me
tonight I am being selfish
tonight wont end until i sleep tonight i cant sleep so darkness remains
i hate me I hate me coz nigel loves me and i cant handle that
i cant haNDLE affection from anyone
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So I am PERFECT!!!!!!!!! :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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