Who'd care even if I did?

Posted , 7 users are following.

Who would care less if I ended it all. I'm just useless, a waste of space and would be better off out of all of this. I get thoughts like this more and more these days. I'm trapped in a body that doesn't work, I have no children and a zero chance of having any and I am not worth the living space.

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Come on Sam, you’re not alone. I know it hurts like hell and feels impossible but it’s not. Even waking up and making a delicious sandwich to enjoy is worth all the time and money in the world.

    You’re not alone and you are strong 

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    • Posted

      Hi Rosey I feel like this everytime I get ill and it's getting worse doctors advised in sat in a and e and saw a crisis team for my health today, but they'd happily leave my physical health. I've just about had as much as I can manage.

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  • Posted

    Hi Sammy

    You are not alone, different circumstances still it hits a spot that makes me want to employ some empathy, that i both read what you wrote and if i can offer some understanding.

    I recently turned 74, the wife said let's go to Disney [I can not stand kids or cartoon escape]for your birthday.Is it part of my Military PTSD or a hard working lifetime of experiences. I stopped driving, I dislike people, I can't watch TV or sit through a movie. I kept losing my balance, Vertigo brought on by mixing meds? Over the counter. I know any pill bottles that read "May cause dizziness, not to drive,or operate machinery," Avoid like the plague [Do I appreciate spell check now] My Vietnam experience was nothing compared to my real world. The outstanding memory from Vietnam was being sent home in the cargo bay of a C-141 Cargo plane from Pleiku. The aluminum coffins were pilled 3 high pyramid style, draped with a flag atop, the whole length of the cargo bay, I was told, ordered not to sit on or lay down, out of respect for the dead. So i knelled fro 30 hours with a AR-15 between my legs. I read the names aloud, I saw no ghosts or spirits. If i ever had any respect for religious rights I lost it as foolishness. Absurdity. I guess the RED CROSS sent a telegram to my family, my name off the manifest, that my remains will arrive at Kennedy airport.  No or little respect for any charity now.

    Back to today, I am wondering if the wife and i have dementia? My eyesight , even new glasses aren't ample. My hearing gets worse with meds. Unsteady on my feet, Which hurt from old injuries. I see some similar demnentia problems in my wife.Scary to say the least. The VA doctors listen but do not offer any solutions. I have Kids who rarely speak to me, grand kids who my say Hi once in a while. @ large dogs who only want a snack , food or a walk [limited] The books I have found to read are all murder, as TV seems. Do I care of this inane crap? My mother who is 93 doesn't even know me, My MIL of 98 opens her eyes,again I wonder. My wife visits her a few times a week, my mother I doubt that I ever will see again. What do I lack inside to feel no empathy? I it at this keyboard, I want to relate to anyone. Lonely? What value after fighting a lifetime to earn money to lead a life style of the culture embossed on us. Memories are forgotten, except bad ones. It is in the nineties outside, can I even sit out there? Do we 2 eat together? She eats lettuce, Has she turned into a sexless rabbit? I better stop while I am ahead, so afraid of saying the wrong thing. I need a smile a hug, some compassion. Things can always be worse. About 2 years ago 5 men I knew killed themselves, I fear becoming a vegetable by doing it wrong. Who said we have the right to kill ourselves, Is there a spirit that moves to another dimension, with guilt? Why I am here, is there another unseen existence Does anything really matter? Is life only a illusion? Is pain capable of stopping? Enough sharing my mind, what mind, I've lost it!

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    • Posted

      Hi Clifford, you've commented on here before I reckognise your name. I still am not much better as you can see. The more physically ill I belong the worse it gets for me. Does physical health drag down your mental health?

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  • Posted

    Hi I think losing your physical health and the new limitations on your life is as much as a loss as grieving for a lost loved one.  You are grieving for your lost life.  Recognise this and allow the stages of grieving to take place.  At first there is denial,  then anger and so on.  You might  not need to go through all the stages and you might even go through them in a different order,  but that's ok. 

    Try and concentrate not on what you can't now do but on what you still can,  This is positive and is looking to the future.  I bet there is still lots of things you can still do but you just haven't found them yet. Acceptance will come in time so let it find you.  x

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  • Posted

    Hey. 

    You’re not alone. 

    I feel pretty damn crap too right now. 

    You got this. 

    I’m always here if you need an ear. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Sara Nashville, since I posted this I found out my counsellor knows how I feel as she said it exactly today, she pushed the right buttons and got a really sorrowful response.
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    • Posted

      Hi Sara, we're getting there with my counsellor I can say anything and she listens and doesn't bat an eyelid! I've just seen her Thursday and it all sort of tumbled out! She's fine with it and unlike counsellors I've had in the past I have almost given up but she hasn't. It helps to know she's so strong. Thanks for asking.

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  • Posted

    Oh I’m so glad it’s helping! 

    Feel better. 

    Sending love! 

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