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Why do I do what I do

Posted , 3 users are following.

Desperate_now
Desperate_now

i have just come in from an informal gathering of my friends to practice the Ukelele, and what did I do nothing but hurt myself. Not physically but certainly mentally and now I am regretting it and wishing I was dead. I have got a stash of tablets and an empty house for the night. Don't worry I probably won't do anything.

i just wouldn't join in because they all go to a pub to practice with another group and I haven't been because I felt  I couldn't  cope with people who are really good. My friends and I only started by chance about 8 months ago but I was really struggling even with them. I felt stupid with my friends so how I would have gone on with people I don't know. The upshot of this post is that my friends now know a lot more chords than me, but I still wouldn't join in even though they started with music I knew. I just sat there and regretted my decision but felt I couldn't start playing. I am always doing this to myself refusing to join in then regretting it. I just don't seem to help doing this to myself .i do it quite a lot. I know it is wrong and not helping myself, but it is as if I like hurting myself.

can anyone relate to what I am saying, I feel I have a mental health diagnosis / condition and mentioned this to my GP quite a while ago, but there has never been any reference made to the diagnosis again. I have never told anyone else and I don't know what can be done if what I suspect is true.

i do have a psychiatrist but only seen him once, waiting for counselling again and to see him again in about 3 weeks. 

Any replies will be read. Thanks you are all so supportive to each other I hope you can be to me.

1 like, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • Blackhole
    Blackhole Desperate_now

    Posted

    I Hope you are Ok? I'm not great around people, I often think I wish I had done things, but I chicken out, as I don't want to make a fool of myself. That happens a lot. Let me know you are OK? Don't do anything silly, like you I have got tablets in the draw, maybe we both should think about throwing them away, I often look at them if I'm really down. Let's do this tomorrow? What do you think?
    • Desperate_now
      Desperate_now Blackhole

      Posted

      Yeah, I'm ok. I am beginning to feel ready to really open up to someone what I really think is wrong with me. I cannot do it on here because it may be something that may affect the treatment I need, I really need to talk to a counsellor, or the psychiatrist,or maybe my GP just at this moment I feel I could tell them but don't know when I am due to see anyone. I lay awake thinking last night and it's feelings I think started about 24 years ago, although we're not a problem until I had the post natal depression 21 years ago. Even then I didn't associate it till fairly recently.

      hope when I do see someone I feel like I do at the moment because if I am feeling better it will get brushed under the carpet yet again.

      i must admit I don't look at the tablets and I'm glad I didn't last night. Yes we should get rid. Several people have asked me to give them to them but I have always said no it is my safety net.

      thank you Shar Shar for replying you do understand and very kind xx.

  • anne240
    anne240 Desperate_now

    Posted

    I get social anxiety too.  This is very common.  I belong to a singing group and am usually OK, but there was one particular time when I could  not open my mouth at all to sing.  I just sat there, and people noticed, and I found it difficult.

    Then I started a voluntary job, did OK at first, and then found I could not go to meetings where other people who I did not know were there, as I could not hold emotion back and started to panic and cry.  I started a course at church and again could not join in because of the social anxiety.  I try so hard, am OK with people I know and my family, but otherwise cannot be in a group without getting too anxious.

    Yes I regret it too, but know I cannot help it because of my anxiety.  We can't help it, no need to feel guilty.  At least we try even if, as you dsay, you are hurting yourself.  You want to join in but just can't.

    Your counsellor should be able to help when you say you have social anxiety. 

    I used to stash tablets, but have now thrown them away.  We cannot help having a mental illness.  Tell your psychiatrist what you have told us.  I found anti depressant did help with anxiety and depression, but I stopped them after 20 years as wanted to see if I could cope without medication.

    You dod not say what anti depressant you are on, and whether you think it is helping.

    • Desperate_now
      Desperate_now anne240

      Posted

      I don't really suffer with social anxiety, anxiety is not a major problem for me. I have re read my post and yes it sounds like I could panic but last night I just didn't join in because I didn't want to I knew what I was doing , and that was hurting myself and no one else.)I could have easily played. Normally if I attend social gatherings I usually end up joining in May be a bit quiet at beginning but by the end I have to admit I have enjoyed the gathering.
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