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Wont be able to keep living like this

Posted , 3 users are following.

katie62273
katie62273

It is the most unexplainable thing. I have a fear that my friends are going to kill themselves at some point. When Im home alone for too long, I start to have anxiety that I will kill myself. Obviously, if I have anxiety about it, I WANT to live, and being scared that I will end my life is absolutely illogical because thats something I would have control of. 

I have to stop what Im doing and GO OUTSIDE because I live in a city and I know if something bad happens to me someone could come to my rescue quickly. If its not obvious enough, Im pretty sure I want to live, so I dont think this is a cry for help in the suicidal department. The real reason that Im struggling is the overthinking to the point of not sleeping, and just a general dark feeling that comes over me and I think its trying to drive me insane. 

I cant stop

I cant stop

I cant stop

Constant stream of negativity in my brain.

Now Im going to give you some backstory if only to help you help me(if you want to that is) Keep in mind that, yes, I realize I have a much better life than lots of people. I do not in any way think Im not priveledged.

 Im 25. I work in a restaurant. My parents and I dont talk, I dont even live in the same state as them. I have been the only person providing for myself since I was 16. Ive always had to have a job or it meant Id be homeless. Therefore, I had no time for college. So I dont have a degree. Ive had a boyfriend since I was 18 (Ive had 3 of them) but barely any time in between to be single. One of them passed away a few months ago. 

I cant be alone at my house for too long (3 or more hours) or I will start to think about him and picture his dead body. It hurts me badly.

Then I think about my own death and how its so easy for a person just to die. So I start to get scared that I will jump in front of a car while Im walking down the street. And more darkness surrounds my mind and gets worse and worse and worse and doesnt stop sometimes hours, one time a full day. Then I go to work and Im already tired, and just sad. I am so alone as I have moved to a different city and there is nobody I can call just to come over and hang out with me. I have friends, but Im not fun to be around, and I dont want to put anyone in that position anyway to have to be with me.

I drink to fix all things. I know that it just makes it worse, trust me. But if I dont drink, there is a possibility that I will think too much and trigger an attack. 

I drink about 4 nights a week. Never at work or during the day. I dont think Im an alcoholic. I just use it as my night-night medicine. 

Help me see the light of this world, please. 

0 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • NatCali
    NatCali katie62273

    Posted

    I think a lot about losing my loved ones. I think way too much about my Health and 'my loved ones health. I've used drinking and drugs for the past 15 years to cope with life. I too have a good life nothing to be depressed or anxious about. I stopped partying about 6 weeks ago. Stopped smoking weed after 15 straight years. I've since had bad anxiety bc now I have nothing to mask my issues. But we a know that's the drinking and drugs only make it worse. In my opinion you need to go see a therapist. To talk about all these things your worried and scared about. Working out and mediation will help but not talking about it and holding it in will hurt you more. You need to reach out to your family even if you don't want. I don't know your family situation but maybe fixing that issue and finding out we're all these things stem from will help you to move forward. Believe me we all have things that haunt us and our minds play lots of tricks on us. You need to find healthy solutions and the drinking needs to stop. Alcohol is a depressant and will never make it better. I promise I understand bc I've been there. But making mends with your family and seeing a therapist will help and doing healthy activities will help too.
    • mrs.wife24531
      mrs.wife24531 NatCali

      Posted

      All the stories of ppl letting this overcome them is making me scared and have panic attacks
    • NatCali
      NatCali mrs.wife24531

      Posted

      We can't let our anxiety control us. We cannot! I know it's scary and I feel the same way. But we all can overcome anxiety it just takes time and a lot of work we have to do for ourselves. And unfortunately medication for some of us. I am now in lexapro and it seems to be helping a bit. I was taking Xanax daily for 5 straight weeks and that messed my head up and did not help one bit. What have you been struggling with Lately thatbis making you so anxious of you don't mind me asking? I worry about my health and my loved ones lives/health. I worry about the many things I cannot control. Are you seeing a therapist or anything? They do help if you find the right one that understand u.
    • mrs.wife24531
      mrs.wife24531 NatCali

      Posted

      I'm seeing a therapist soon. I worry about me not being able to see my daughter grow up and growing old with my husband. I worry about my health and my daughters health. I worry that I'm messing up my family and this only started when anxiety came
    • NatCali
      NatCali mrs.wife24531

      Posted

      The only thing you can do right now is work on yourself so you can be there for your family in a healthy way. We have to sometimes put ourselves first so that we can be a 100% for our loved ones. We have to get to the root of our issues and try and move forward. But I get it. Just have to stay positive!!
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