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It is the most unexplainable thing. I have a fear that my friends are going to kill themselves at some point. When Im home alone for too long, I start to have anxiety that I will kill myself. Obviously, if I have anxiety about it, I WANT to live, and being scared that I will end my life is absolutely illogical because thats something I would have control of.
I have to stop what Im doing and GO OUTSIDE because I live in a city and I know if something bad happens to me someone could come to my rescue quickly. If its not obvious enough, Im pretty sure I want to live, so I dont think this is a cry for help in the suicidal department. The real reason that Im struggling is the overthinking to the point of not sleeping, and just a general dark feeling that comes over me and I think its trying to drive me insane.
I cant stop
I cant stop
I cant stop
Constant stream of negativity in my brain.
Now Im going to give you some backstory if only to help you help me(if you want to that is) Keep in mind that, yes, I realize I have a much better life than lots of people. I do not in any way think Im not priveledged.
Im 25. I work in a restaurant. My parents and I dont talk, I dont even live in the same state as them. I have been the only person providing for myself since I was 16. Ive always had to have a job or it meant Id be homeless. Therefore, I had no time for college. So I dont have a degree. Ive had a boyfriend since I was 18 (Ive had 3 of them) but barely any time in between to be single. One of them passed away a few months ago.
I cant be alone at my house for too long (3 or more hours) or I will start to think about him and picture his dead body. It hurts me badly.
Then I think about my own death and how its so easy for a person just to die. So I start to get scared that I will jump in front of a car while Im walking down the street. And more darkness surrounds my mind and gets worse and worse and worse and doesnt stop sometimes hours, one time a full day. Then I go to work and Im already tired, and just sad. I am so alone as I have moved to a different city and there is nobody I can call just to come over and hang out with me. I have friends, but Im not fun to be around, and I dont want to put anyone in that position anyway to have to be with me.
I drink to fix all things. I know that it just makes it worse, trust me. But if I dont drink, there is a possibility that I will think too much and trigger an attack.
I drink about 4 nights a week. Never at work or during the day. I dont think Im an alcoholic. I just use it as my night-night medicine.
Help me see the light of this world, please.
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