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Hi, my name is Jack.
Since my teenage life I've always been anxious, I'd be terrified to the point of where I'd skip school if I had to make a presentation that day or knew I had a one to one meeting. College was the same, but not as bad as it invloved more just working on your own and course work.
Then after college I joined an entry to employment program because my family is one of those who think if you are not working your no good, so yeah they quickly got me a job working 40 hours a week pressing a button on a machine, and I hated it! I'd vomit every day before work and watch the clock ready to punch a wall for 8 hours a day.
I stayed there for 5 years to not disappoint my family, from the age of 17 to 22, until after last Christmas I just couldn't physically and mentally go back.
So yeah, I quit and I used the money I had saved during work, because although I was working and getting money, I hardly ever spent a penny because I didn't go out at all, in fact in all my life I've had one night out...
So yeah as you can imagine after 5 years I had a bit and I lived of that for 7 months, and it was the best 7 months I can remember since being a child. My anxiety pretty much dissapeared and I reached so many life goals that I just couldn't push myself to do while at work. I lost 3 stone (42 pounds), I was excercising daily and doing other things outside of my house like going to the supermarket (yes I used to fear going), cinema, theme parks and I even went abroad, which used to scare me because of my weight, and had a great time! I was a new person! It felt good when people said I was looking healthy and that it was good to have the old Jack back.
After that 7 months I signed on to Universal Credit which gives you a small, but helpful amount of money each month if you do your 35 hours of job search a week and you can prove your activily looking for work.
I've been with them since and so far I have done various voluntary work in charity shops etc but I still felt great! I was doing all the things I was doing before that made me feel human.
But recently I got offered a job in the supermarket Sainsbury's and I was really excited becasue my new way of life involved no fear, I wasn't fearing the interview and even the group activities during induction I enjoyed, which if you told me I would be standing in front of strangers and speaking confidintly a year ago I would have laughed at you. And yeah, I got offered the job!
Then the actual job started... and I already feel myself falling back into what I was over a year ago. I'm up all night dreading the next day, I watch the clock all day and go home, eat fast food and then lay in bed looking at the ceiling wanting to scream. I've stopped going swimming and I'm back to using the bus instead of walking everywhere... also I used to get daily headaches when working those 5 years, and yup, guess what, they are back...
I really don't want to go back to how I was! But then at the same time I feel like if I quit I'm gonna feel like and appear to others as being some kind of lazy loser... which I'm not! I honestly help everybody out, like I'll spend all day cleaning someones garage roof or fixing their computer free of charge and I don't mind... I just think it's the fact that hours of my time now belong to a company bothers me and I hate it and the fact that even money is not a pulling point for me, like I care very little for the stuff.
It's just annoying because I feel like I'm the one in the wrong, I feel bad for feeling this way when other people would love to have my job, which makes me want to quit more so someone who appreciates it could maybe have it... I just don't know anymore... I just really hate routine and it fills my head with severe anxiety.
Sorry for spelling mistakes, it's cold in this room and I can't feel my hands D:
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