Writing to Reach You....Day One

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So I thought that I would chart my days on Citalopram...both as a way to cope with having to be on them (at this moment in time, I'm just angry about that fact) and also to show what side effects I am experiencing from them...and any benefits/negatives that I can see throughout the journey.

I was prescribed 10mg Citalopram yesterday by my Doctor, after a couple of years of trying to "do it alone"...albeit with a brief period on Sertraline which ended in me collapsing after suffering from Serotonin Syndrome and having to come off them pretty quick. I am not (yet) comfortable with taking tablets....not only because of what happened on the Sertraline but also because I don't like the thought of being numbed to everything.  I've fought for a long time now to stay off them and at this point in time, I feel like a complete and utter failure...unable to sort my own head out without the marvels of modern medicine.  I know that a lot of you out there will disagree with me...may even be offended. But this is how I feel...I'm hoping to be proven wrong. Perhaps it's the deep depression that I feel that makes me think like this? Who knows. But I've had to admit defeat, bite the bullet and accept the prescription. 

I spent a long time on my old friend Google last night, deciding whether to take the first tablet then (and possibly die in my sleep...yes...this is really what I was panicking about) or whether to wait till this morning so that if anything DID happen, I'd be around people. I decided to wait till this morning....unsurprisingly!  I've spoken with a colleague and friend at work who has promised to "keep an eye on me" in case I become manic like I did on the Sertraline - not something I noticed at the time until AFTER the collapse.

So at 9am this morning, I took the first of what could be many.  So far...well, my head is fuzzy already and there's some weird niggling headache developing behind my left eye. Feel like I keep forgetting to breath (!) but I think that's more the panic of having taken the first one...no going back now I suppose, which terrifies me.  

It's only a couple of hours since taking it so I guess I'll have more of an update tomorrow. Sorry if my thoughts on tablets has offended anyone...but they are my thoughts and I have to be true to myself.

Hope you all have a calm and happy day.  

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    Good luck, I'm on day 3 and it's pretty/very hard going at the moment.  Side effects are pretty grim but should pass, hopefully yours won't be so bad. 
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    • Posted

      Just remember when you're really struggling that other people (like me at the moment) are in the same place as you and feeling alone and freiked out!  We'll get through it but it's just moment by moment.  For me nearly every moment is torture just now but just think every moment you get closer to feeling better.  I've been there with fluoxetine before and it's hard going but then things start to lift.  You feel like it never will but it eventually does.  However when you're in that spell (like we are at the moment) it's so hard to remember that.  Thinking of you and in a sense nice to have someone on the journey with me. 
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    • Posted

      Thank you davey-b...I know exactly what you mean about having someone on the journey with you because right now, I feel isolate and completely alone. Hope things improve for you - keep in touch.
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    • Posted

      Yup, it is tough going.  I'll try and keep in touch.  I'm away tomorrow for the weekend (feeling a bit frieked out about that but it's a family wedding I can't miss!) so I might not be about that much for a few days, we'll see. 
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    • Posted

      Had a more positive evening yesterday which was nice.  Sleep not great again during the night but maybe feeling a bit more positive this morning.  Just trying to see the good in things and think that I'm one day closer to getting better than I was this time yesterday.  Hope you're ok. 
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    • Posted

      Really glad to hear you had a more positive evening. I took ages to drop off last night, which is unusual for me! Apart from struggling to get up this morning (not sure how much was tablet and how much was just feeling low) I'm feeling "ok" today. Just about to write my "day two" section! Have a good day.
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  • Posted

    Good luck Nat.  Early days yet but I'm sure it will get better.  Cit definitely will NOT make you feel 'numbed to everything' - in fact when I first took them I thought they weren't working at all because I didnt feel numb or hazy etc., what did happen was that I felt normal but just a little more able to cope with whatever was thrown at me without overreacting or going into 'under the duvet mode' if that makes sense.  I have no knowledge of Sertraline so don't know if cit is going to have similar affects on you.  I had an allergic reaction to cit but it most definitely wasnt life threatening, it just sadly meant I couldnt continue taking them, shame really as they definitely worked and made me able to cope with stress much better.  The other side effects which I guess everyone experiences were in truth very minor and just an annoyance rather than anything else and they settled down quite quickly.  I think the problem is that if we are in a position to need citalopram, we are already of the mindset to be panicked at everything and anything and 'overthink' things.  This can cause its own symptoms and may not be solely a reaction to the medication but our own issues causing us distress. I can remember sitting just waiting for ill effects which was very silly of me and in fact once I forgot to dwell on how bad the effects would be, I found I didnt really have that bad a time at all - some sleep disruption, a small amount of stomach upset and a little edginess but all of this subsided quite soon.  I think some people misunderstand citalopram and expect it to 'drug' them so they feel no pain - this is definitely not how this medication works and maybe some people with severe depression dont find it gives them enough cushion against the real world.  I was in an unbearable state of not being able to cope with the slightest disruption or upset, to the point of overreacting to the smallest thing - for example if i dropped a fork with food on it my day would be totally wrecked, if the phone and the doorbell both rang at once, I'd go into such a panic I'd end up crying.  Citalopram didnt stop the doorbell or the phone, didnt stop me hearing them, what it did do was let me deal with them [u]appropriately[/u] and calmly.  Hope you find benefit soon Nat. xx
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    • Posted

      Thanks Ioxie...a lot of what you said made perfect sense. I am in the "panic at everything" mode as well...can totally relate to what you are saying about the phone ringing and the door going at the same time. The phone rang the other night, and although I feel isolate and alone, I got angry at the phone ringing and ended up in tears. I am trying to sit here and seperate the side effects of the drug from the side effects of actually just panicking. I'm finding it quite difficult! I just want to get to the point where the phone ringing and the doorbell going, or spilling a drink, or dropping something isn't the end of the world...enough to cause a massive rise in temper and tears! Thanks for your support xx
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  • Posted

    Hi,

    I have just had my dose upped to 40mg and I have noticed i have started grinding my teeth!!  I have quite and ache now!  I also feel fuzzy and very tired.  I finding I just want to sit down and keep yawning.  Please say these will pass.  I have been 10 mg so far and only experinced nausia??

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    • Posted

      Hi marietree...sadly I don't know yet with it being day one. Hope they get better for you soon. I'm gurning like a fool already today (with the jaw clenching) so I feel your pain!

       

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