Bulimia Relapse

Im a 31 yr old male. I have had Bulimia on and off for a few year. It was triggered in my mid 20's. I was fairly overweight in my early 20's and i met a partner. I felt like i needed to change and get myself *healthier* so i dieted for around 5 month straight and had zero issues. I dropped 4 stone in weight overall and at the start looked *worse* but after stop dieting my body started to fill out slightly ' My face looks less Guant etc and i was very happy. In this period i had zero Bulimia urges. I then carried on around about the weight i had dropped to and felt very happy. My eating pattern was good and i was healthy.  I dont remember exactly how my Bulimia started but im sure it was due to fear of going back to that old me that was overweight. So i started to purge to keep my weight down.

I then got into fitness after i had to get a knee cartlidge surgery. I had a torn knee cartlidge and the nurse says to me if you keep your legs strong and in shape then you wont ever suffer any problems later in life.... So i joined a local gym.  I was managing to keep a good diet and completely transformed my physique.

Over the years i have had Bulimia on and off. I have went months without binging and purging and then i relapse and im back to the start. I recently started to binge and purge again and this time its VERY strong and im struggling to grasp it again. I went to my GP around 5 weeks ago and was just honest and i explained everything to her. She has tried me on medication (Doesn't work sadly) so she says i will refer you to an eating disorder clinic. I need to add in. My partner has zero clue about my eating disorder. I hide it very well. My GP referred me and the eating disorder clinic sent me a very specific letter to my home and i *just* managed to hide this and i panicked and cut cords with the clinic and my initial appointment as i want to do it in the background at the moment until i start to feel like i am getting a grip of things again. Im not ready to tell my partner. I am very embaressed about what i do. I know thats the worst thing to think but i genuinely am very embaressed and if my partner was to find out i reckon i would run away Just opening up to a GP was very hard but i want help. I dont want to live with this Illness for the rest of my life. I have been binging purging for the last 3 months with a few days break randomly inbetween this period. These breaks are where i write up a meal plan and *try* stick to it but after a few days my urges come back STRONGER than ever and i relapse. I feel like i am spinning my wheels and cant get myself stable.

Im 5 foot 9 and 31 year old. I try and hit around 3200 calories. I fear gaining the weight but i know i need to eat over and above what i burn and let my body know thiers not a famine happening. But Yesterday i woke up and had a very nice breakfast and i eat a big breakfast also to try and remove my binge urge. I feel absolutely no bulimia urges at all but fast forward to around 6 oclock. Even after breakfast & snacks a large lunch etc the Bulimia hits me hard and i came home and binge'd on a ton of food and purged. I was so angry and guilty with myself. I still had the urge to binge on LOADS more but after dinner which i had packed out with veggies ' Meats ' Carbs etc just to keep nutrition in my body and plenty potassium etc  i fought to keep this dinner down as i knew i needed this nutrition in my body and i held on after eating that dinner.  I want to eat normal again and not have this demon in my mind. I want to be healthy and normal but this has a grip of me very strongly this time. With me doing fitness i know nutrition is key to growth and progress but i cant seem to get a hold of it this time. The hunger signals my brain is sending is beyond strong.  I can easily binge on 8000 calories just to feel satisfied to which i get that guilt and i end up purging.  

Any advice?  Im showing some very serious health issues. Chest Pains' Numb hands and feet every night that wakes me up ' Mouth throat all raw from the stomach acid's ' Constantly cold hands and feet ' Anxiety etc

I have recontacted my GP and have an appointment rescheduled (Its 2 weeks away though). Now that i have opened up to them im not embaressed to go and speak to them again and start the ball rolling once more. I need the help and if i dont do it now i could really give myself health problems which i dont want.

Any advice on what i could do?

I have tried structured eating and incorporating high fats in the diet. I also add in foods that i would stray away from usually to try and stop the major urges for these foods.

I feel like i cant get a hold this time. Everyday i wake up i keep saying ok today i will focus on just keeping everything down. What happens is when i eat breakfast or lunch etc my body becomes frantic for more food. I have even done 24 hour fasts before just so i can do a massive one meal at night just so i cover all the nutrients i need and also to feel satisfied with the amount of food i am getting at that sitting.

Thanks guys and thank you for listening in and any help would be greatly appreciated

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