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30yr old desperate, lonely and suicidal

Posted , 21 users are following.

rachh
rachh

im at my breaking point! im 30 and i have nothing! i really mean nothing! i live with my mum and stepdad i dont work, i dont leave the house hardly at all, the only thing i do is watch tv show after tv show so i can escape into a better life but the minute i stop watching something i start feeling down, i go days not talking out loud, my mum barely talks to me shes too wrapped up in her own world, i have a sister who doesnt have the time or patience for me and i dont have any friends.

im incapable of having any kind of relationship with anyone so really when you think about it i really do need to just give up! im so unhappy, im so alone its unreal and i dont want to go on anymore like this and i know i wont get any better as i have tried everything the doctor has thrown at me i completed CBT which is the only free service available so i have been discharged for the like 100th time.. i cant go on anymore and yet im pathetic and dont have the guts to do anything. 

i think of what i could do to kill myself and it sounds awful and painful i just hope i get to the point where i am so desperate i just do it without thinking! 

i have been looking around on the internet for hours cos i just cant explain how lonley i feel right now and the internet offers nothing! it makes me feel worse because mental health is just subjected around Young people now and im not young anymore i have suffered my whole life it just gets worse! i try not to self harm cos that makes me feel worse ! its such a kid thing to do apparently! no one will probably even finish reading this cos why would they! im not looking for an answer as  there really is just one and that would be to end all ! 

if i go and stand at the edge of somewhere will anyone come and push me off the edge? think thats what i need.. i need someone to push me so i dont have to jump! 

im so desperate i dont know what to do!!!!

Sorryy

4 likes, 29 replies

29 Replies

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  • caroline23580
    caroline23580 rachh

    Posted

    Hi rachh

    my name is caroline your not on you own people do care your family do care your going into panic mode please try relax you need to talk you need to get help you need support 

     

  • hanky
    hanky rachh

    Posted

    hi rachh,

    been there tried it and like you I was a chicken and never followed it through, nothing is worth killing yourself for, stay strong and you will get better in time, DON'T make any rational thoughts as that's bad, look after yourself :-)  I'm here if you wanna private message me or talk on hear, 

  • rachh
    rachh

    Posted

    Hi x thanks for replying.. I have replied to people who have put similar post and said same things as you and anyone would.. it will get better etc u need to get some help but I guess thats why I am feeling more and more desperate atm cos I know that getting help hasnt helped plus in my area u dont get much help they basically told me at my last appointmemt that if I want to continue seeing someone I will need to go and find someone but I will have to pay as they dont offer anything other than cbt.. so whats the point in asking for help.. my family wont talk to me about these feeelings so it really is just me in my head which is why I have come online.. what else is there? Carry on for years feelimg like this getting worse.. cos ive only ever got worse.. i always thought my darkest time was in 2003 but id gladly go back I actually left the house amd worked.. I was depressed but got on with it.. I dont have that anymore.. 

    Thank u for replying tho.. u know it always helps to just let some of it out! Xxx 

  • faizi
    faizi rachh

    Posted

    Hi, Well I am here just to let you know you are not alone here feeling depressed. There are lots of people out there including me feeling the same as you are. Well about 2 years ago I felt suicidal and the first thing I do, I disscussed it with my mum. She understood and the very next day she took me to a doctor and Dr. prescribed me med. I took for almost 1 year and I started to enjoy my life. I never thought a med can do it but it did. You really need to visit your gp and explains everything to him. This is a disease and fortunately it has a cure. All you have to do is a courage to work things out because meds take time to work.
  • Vickycam
    Vickycam rachh

    Posted

    Faizi's advice is excellent.  Please go to a hospital ASAP, tell them you're suicidal and I'm sure they will offer you  an antidepressant of some kind.  I have friends you felt as you do and have said that antidepressants have saved their lives.  Sometimes it takes a while to find the right one without undesirable side effects but you must begin.  It taks a while until you see its effectiveness but you are still so young and you shouldn't have to live like  this.  Remember where there's life there is hope.  I'm so sorry that your family is not supportive.  Perhaps a visit with a compassionate clergy person might give you some comfort and hope for the future.  You are NOT a worthless person.  We in the forum want to see you live and find joy in life.  It can be done but you have to take the first step by going to a hospital immediately.   Good luck dear friend.  Don't wish for someone to push you off a cliff;  I want YOU  to push yourself into a hospital.
    • rachh
      rachh Vickycam

      Posted

      Thanks x 

      I dont wanna be seen like im just reaching for excuses but ive been on and off antidepressants since I was 17 never ever found one that has made me feel slightly different. . And I have been on over ten different ones I often think I am immune to tablets as painkillers dont even work on me. . And the hospital is just such a waste of time ive been there a couple of times u wait for hours and they just talk to u for a while and tell u to visit ur doctor the next day and send u on ur way.. adults round here dont seem to matter!  Ive done everything there is to get better and it just gets worse.. im doomed to be alone and miserable until the day I die! I want to just sleep the days away but im having one of those weeks where I just cant sleep .. that never helps

      Thanks for all ur replies xx

    • mark01943
      mark01943 rachh

      Posted

      Hi ranch

      I know how you feel. We all do on here, there is great support, we will help all we can. Know EXACTLY what you mean 're sleep, if get a good night a lot of it feels a bit better.

      You are not alone, you can chat bout anything at anytime with us on here, and I for one will do whatever I can to help, and that is NOT a hollow gesture

  • faizi
    faizi rachh

    Posted

    Hi Rachh, Can you do yourself a fovor just ask your gp to prescribe antidepressent for you and can you take 9 to 10 weeks regularly without any day off along with some excersize or running 3 to 4 times a week? I know its hard because you will feel even more worse when you start taking them but ultimately you will get better.. Always always always have some positive hope in you. I am sure things will get better by time.. what if, if there is nobody to understand you or support you. you are enough for you to support you. I can tell you, you are a very good man because every depress men and women are very kind hearted thats why they are depress. Sorry for my english cause english is not my mother toungue. 
    • rachh
      rachh faizi

      Posted

      Hi faizi.. im on antidepressants now ive been on this one for 7 months now and nothing .. even when the dose has been increased .. 

      And thanks mark..its comforting to know ur not the only one who feels bad xx 

      Ive spent the night reading online and have cried so much I think I haave exhausted myself out so fingers crossed I can sleep a while.. u cant feel bad if ur asleep !! Xx

    • kat50
      kat50 rachh

      Posted

      I hope your able to sleep for a while. Sometimes sleep is the only respite we can get from this awful illness. Stay strong if possible. 
  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 rachh

    Posted

    Dear rachh, it made me so sad to read your text,

    Please never give up and think that suicide is your only option....have you ever

    Been ref to the community mental health team.. If you are under the care of a

    Psychiatrist you will have access to the crisis team, who are available to help you

    Twenty four hours a day, if you ever need them... if you are not, see your doctor and

    Insist on being on being referred and impress upon them the seriousness of your

    Depression and loss of hope,... they have a duty of care to listen to you.. also the....brilliant Samaritans are always there to listen to you at any time no matter what.....

    Also if you go to your local accident and emergency department, you should be treated with the same care and courtesy !!! As any other patient.. you are entitled to be

    And you deserve to be. X

    Please do not give up hope yet, I have three sons with mental health problems and I

    Know that they have felt the same, it breaks mine and their father's hearts, the good

    Thing is though, they live here with us ( they are very similar in age to you ) they

    Have a nice home that will be theirs, a very supportive and loving family and very

    Good neighbours and friends...

    It makes me so angry when I hear what you have been through, have you got a

    Local MIND organization that you can phone, they can act as advocates for you.

    They are excellent, very knowledgeable and very, very caring...

    Please, please do not give up, my thoughts and prayers are with you young man..

    Sincerest wishes to you,, take care and be kind to yourself....Deirdre...

    brill-

    psy

    • rachh
      rachh deirdre._03652

      Posted

      hi x thank you for your message.. 

      ive been discharged from the community mental health team as my 6 sessions were up.. ridiculous.. 

      im gonna see my doctor later this week shes been on holiday for two weeks..

      its sad about your sons.. but at least they have a wonderful mum like you!! i wish my mum was like that.. mine just wants her house back.. and her daughter to stop moping around! 

      xxx

  • phatmarisa
    phatmarisa rachh

    Posted

    Hello Rachh,

    I want you to know that I hear you... I hear your heart and your pain and suffering. I too am suffering with depression... with hopelessness and despair. If you want to chat at all let me know. I am 35 years old. I moved back in with my parents in Arpril. I was living by myself and spiralled out of control emotionally. I have not fully recovered and wake up wishing I had not woken up. I am starting a new job in September and I really wish I was in a better place emotionally. I should be excited about a new job but I am not. I am worried about just crashing mentally. 

    • rachh
      rachh phatmarisa

      Posted

      thank you for your message x and goood luck with your job in september, you have time to hopefully get excited about it.. xx
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