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been feeling so teary/suicidal the last couple of days

Posted , 5 users are following.

absjbs
absjbs

Have still not been paid any ESA at all and it's been a month and a half. I've been living off £200. Rang them yesterday and the woman was so rude and I was out with a friend. I felt my eyes welling up and just wanted to go sit and cry alone but was out in public. So I tried to distract myself and pretend to look at something until the tears went away but my friend called me over. When she saw I had tears in my eyes she asked me what was wrong and I said sorry i don't want to talk about it because I don't want to get upset. Then she said really loudly that I was the one making the scene and why was I getting so upset. So I just walked off and looked round the shop until I'd calmed down. I know I'm a pain to be friends with and there's two sides to every story but I really was doing the opposite of making a scene and this made me feel worse sad

Then today I went i woke up with a knot in my stomach and with a missed call from a lecturer who I'd missed a meeting with. But luckily she was free later so i got to see her to discuss a resit I have two weeks to do. When she was asking me about the work I just broke down. I have no idea why because she's lovely. So that was embarrassing and I couldn't wait to get home because I felt like I was going to have a major meltdown. Then I got home and rang esa n they still haven't got my sick note (second one I've sent). I broke down on the phone to them again and had to hang up. Then I just sat and sobbed for hors thinking about how much of a mess my life is and how much of a failure and waste of space i am.

I planned to go and just end it all when it got dark tonight but now I've had a chance to calm down a bit I know that's not an option, only I don't feel I'll ever be "okay" when the smallest stressors set me off like this!

3 likes, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • nick34171
    nick34171 absjbs

    Posted

    Feel abit scum bagish for posting a reply as I haven't sorted my life out yet. But listen regards to esa, go to citizens advice bureau tell them about your finding it hard to talk to people, I did this. They gave me a special appointment with someone who rang them for me, have a copy of you Dr cert with you, explain at how you tried, word of warning I had to wait about week and a half for my appointment you might be lucky and not have to wait. As for your friend, um she was a bit of a moron getting you attention like that when you obviously don't like attention. She sucks in my opinion. Anyway listen keep your head held high all right, get some sleep, Nick.
    • absjbs
      absjbs nick34171

      Posted

      Thanks nick. I just needed to vent I think because I feel like I've hit rock bottom in my life. I'd always been holding off from telling others about my mental health and from accepting help from others because I knew the second I let go I would hit rock bottom like this. I've taken time off uni, I've stopped working and applied for esa..all on the advise of others. But now I'm here all the people who advised me to do this have backed off and left me to dig myself out of the hole all on my own. They thought it was a minor blip. They didn't realise I have been feeling like this for YEARS. I literally don't know how I'm ever going to climb out of this hole I'm in now. And in regards to money I have £5 to my time til who knows when. And I don't know where to turn or who to go to. But thanks for the advise I will try citizens advise. I'm planning on going into the job centre tomorrow and asking what they did with the sick note, but will have to judge how I'm feeling in the morning because I really don't want another public meltdown
    • nick34171
      nick34171 absjbs

      Posted

      Remember to photo copy things ok, I've been where you're at regarding papers, I think if you're totally at a loss go see the gp who gave it to you they have to keep copies/ records. Whilst there, I don't know what you've been diagnosed/ off sick with but might ne worth seeing I you can talk to somebody on the mental health side, I did Thu, I still hate it, but would be worse off without doing it. Think the next step not the next twenty and you wont feel completely sapped of energy. Wishing you the best.
    • nick34171
      nick34171

      Posted

      Lol sorry about spelling cant see!
  • hypercat
    hypercat absjbs

    Posted

    Hi how awful for you,

    I had a similiar experience a few years ago when I rang up to make a claim too.  The guy on the phone was very rude and abrupt and I was really upset.   I was in the throes of a very bad depression and decided suddenly I had had enough and decided to overdose that evening.

    Well I did but unfortunately it didn't work and I woke up nearly 2 days later on my own.  I didn't tell anyone.

    Incidentally a year or so later I got a job at the same contact centre dealing with benefit claims and I traced the guy who i had spoken down.  I was working in the same section as him!   I didn't say anything to him but whenever I took a call for ESA from someone I was always very nice to them coz I knew what a difference this made

    Things got a lot better for me and they will for you so just you hang on in there love.    Bev xx.  

     

    • absjbs
      absjbs hypercat

      Posted

      I'm sorry you had that experience too. It just goes to show what a difference people's attitude makes at a time like this. Out of interest does anyone know how long it should take to start getting esa the basic amount? How are people supposed to survive when they've no savings or income? It's just another stressor on top of everything else and I don't know what to do
    • hypercat
      hypercat absjbs

      Posted

      How long is a piece of string absjbs?  When I got it it was within a couple of weeks but I think it depends a lot on how behind the benefits assessors are and with all the cutbacks it can only get worse.  

      I asked them this question once and they said you have to rely on family and friends.   The official attitude is that if you are working you should have some savings to tide you over.  

      What you can do if they are losing your sick notes or other information is to take it into your local jobcentre and tell them.   Ask them to verify the information and get a receipt then if it is lost you have proof.   They might even agree to send it off for you!   Or you could send it recorded delivery (ok I know that costs money but it could be worth it). 

      Other than that all you can do is keep calling them and it may be possible to get a crisis loan?  Not sure if they do that any more though.  

      Good luck   Bev x

  • audrey96558
    audrey96558 absjbs

    Posted

    Hi,

    So sorry to hear everything you are going through.

    Citizens Advice is a good first step but I must warn you that due to the ever changing ways benefits are awarded etc they're quite often out if their depth (from personal experience).

    Also from personal experiences be very careful how you handle the ESA people, not wanting to be negative but sometimes it's their actual job to meet targets to get people off benefits. Even when you rightly deserve them.

    First of all make sure you have the backing of your GP.

    Also make sure to not underplay any symptoms you have, it's a cruel reality that a lot of us with mental health issues down play the illness and end up quite frankly messed around.

    Make sure everyone understands the depths of the lows you've been feeling, I know it's tough but it's the only way.

    Also if there are any disability advice centres in your area (my GP signposted me to mine) they can be of great use.

    All the best of luck my lovely.

    Take care xxx

  • absjbs
    absjbs

    Posted

    Thanks for replying. I went into the job centre today and turns out they didn't know my NI number and couldn't find me on the system so have scanned it over again with my NI this time. So hopefully will be sorted within the next couple of days but really not getting my hopes up.

    Been feeling really low today especially this evening and don't know where to turn. I have flatmates but I really don't feel able to talk to them about this. I've been sat crying all evening and have seriously been contemplating doing something stupid but don't want the embarrassment of it going wrong again. I might make an appointment to see my gp tomorrow although I know all they'll do is try and put me back on medication. I just really don't think I can keep myself safe but the fact I've never been able to go through with it at the time is making me think I'll probably be fine. Still not nice though feeling like this I just feel really alone

    • fee25
      fee25 absjbs

      Posted

      Hi Abs, hope you're doing ok. 

      Is it University you're in at the moment? I just finished my degree, so difficult when you have this illness to fight alongside it rolleyes 

      I can't give you an answer, no piece of advice to make things better. But, definitely do go and see your GP - if there's any small things that can brighten your day a bit - do it! And if you have to go back on meds then that may be useful, though it isn't always pleasant, I know. 

      Have you received any counselling for the way you feel? Even if you have tried, keep going - it's the way through, apparently. 

      Hope you're ok, 

      Fee xx

    • absjbs
      absjbs fee25

      Posted

      Hi Fee sorry for the late reply. Well done on finishing your degree! You should be proud of yourself..it's not easy balancing uni work with all the lovely symptoms of depression! I honestly don't know how I've got this far it feels like I've been treading water for the last 5 years.

      Currently retaking an assignment I failed last year and I CANNOT concentrate at all!! My brain is just refusing to cooperate sad uni are being very helpful but they can't write it for me unfortunately haha. I've been having a sort of short term therapy but unfortunately gotta move out of my accommodation so can't see her anymore rolleyes I've had lots of cbt and counselling in the past but nothing has worked and it's hard to stay positive!

      I'm redoing my final year in september but I'm o worried because I was hoping to feel a bit better by then but if anything I just feel worse!

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