I wasn't completely honest with him
Posted , 6 users are following.
So I was diagnosed early last year with genital herpes. I still don't think I've come to terms with it. This has only become evident to me now. I've been seeing a new guy and was very apprehensive about sex. He thought I was just shy and I explained my need to use condoms. I didn't go into detail but I gave him the idea that I had something and said we'd discuss it another time. But we didn't. I guess I was waiting for him to bring it up again. Anyway one night one thing was leading to another and I decided it was safe for him to go down on me as I haven't had any symptoms since my first outbreak. What a selfish decision to make. Today he asked me what was up, why I was holding back when it came to sex and I brought it back to our initial conversation on the topic except this time I dropped the H bomb. He immediately flipped. The completely ridiculous part to this story is I have read countless articles on how to tell someone you have herpes and how to avoid this from happening in the first place. I couldn't listen to it. I felt utterly disgusting and so completely selfish for putting him in the position that I too had found myself in.
As far as I know he's completely herpes free but that's not the point. The point is that I didn't give him autonomy of decisions surrounding his health. And that's not okay. And this has brought all my other feelings about having herpes back to the surface.
Aside from this huge horrific blunder of mine, I've come to realise that my idea of sex has completely changed. It's something that I want to avoid taking about and doing and that makes me so so sad. I don't know if I'll ever enjoy it again or want to subject someone I care deeply about to this horrible scenario.
I'm feeling really down about it all and so guilty for my actions. I don't think I can talk to anyone about this. How does one ever move on from this?
0 likes, 21 replies
jane80952 holly81184
Posted
I don't think you did anything wrong. Some doctors advise that if using confirm for intercourse, no need to disclose. As far as receiving oral, assuming you have type 2, it rarely recurs orally if it transfers at all to that location. Most people with type 1 oral infection don't disclose before giving oral. Maybe they should, but I've had several guys never tell me or not til after.
I think you're being too hard on yourself and feeding herpes hysteria rather than herpes as an inconvenient common skin condition. Talk to your doctor or a therapist.
jane80952
Posted
luceal12239 jane80952
Posted
Jane it's not right to put someone at risk like that. We are all here because we were put at risk someway or another. Rejection will come. But it's better to be rejected and walk away guilt free than e quiet and infect someone. Its normal to feel bad for what sh did because it is bad. But Holly can learn from this and move forward knowing that the someone who sees her as the gem she is will come along and be ok with it.
jane80952 luceal12239
Posted
Actually many of us are here because the medical community doesn't feel it's significant enough of an infection to screen everyone. Apparently they believe it's not important enough that everyone know their infection status and disclose. So why should only some people?
luceal12239 jane80952
Posted
I respect why you are here. But is it really ok fore one to decide not disclose but yet put another person at risk of contacting the very same virus? Very well it may not be a important, to those who say it's not but why put someone at risk KNOWINGLY? letting them perform oral sex? When getting into a sexual relationship it's only fair to let your partner know if u do have something so they can make an informed decision. Holly sounds like an amazing person. This is not to make her feel bad. After he calms down he may decide he still wants to he with her and that's great because we are not defined by herpes. But the point remains it's only fair to he open, so the other person is not at risk. Have a good day
mikarose holly81184
Posted
I disagree with Jane. Any doctor that has half a brain will not tell you you don't have to disclose. Condoms do not protect the other person from getting it and it's not fair on them. But you know that and you just made a mistake.
What's done is done. He probably doesn't have it if he hasn't had symptoms. But I can understand how upset he would be as he might have it. Were you on suppressive medication?
The reason you feel that way about sex is because you're lying to the person you're having sex with. Imagine the feeling of someone who knows you have it yet is still more than happy to have sex with you. It is possible you just have to pick your person wisely and be honest with them.
A therapist is a good person to talk to, however sometimes they don't quite relate and don't seem to think it's such a big deal.
I also have made the mistake of dating a guy instead of dealing with what happened to me. I was lucky and was able to tell him about it and have him be fine with it.
We all have to deal with the reality of what we have. There are so many worse diseases and illnesses out there but it's still hard to come to terms with this one.
luceal12239 holly81184
Posted
Therapy would help with the issues about sex. Do it for you girl! All the best
bxo holly81184
Posted
I know it may sound cruel but I wouldn't tell a single soul. Since the stigma is so bad with it people tend to take it way worse than just a skin infection. If you take antiviral therapy daily, then you should be fine because passing herpes from female to male is a lower risk then male to female. you can still pass it along don't get me wrong. But i wouldn't embarrass myself because he may never even get it. I have been having sex with my boyfriend for months now while taking a Daily dose of valtrex 500mg and he's never said anything and he is clean hasn't had a beak out or anything & I haven't had any break outs since the first one. So there is hope.
holly81184 bxo
Posted
I understand where you're coming from but I don't think it's the right approach. Whether you're taking valtrix daily or not the point is you're still putting someone at risk. That guy I mentioned above has since fled the scene but honestly I feel completely fine with the rejection because I have a clear conscience now. I think it's important to be honest going into any relationship and when the time is right to bring certain things up (hoping I'll get this right next time around). I can't imagine keeping something like that from someone I genuinely care about forever. The truth will always come out and if the worse case scenario happens and I infect someone else at least they were aware of the risk and it's on them. Finding out I had been put at risk without being told was one of the worst things about finding out I had herpes. Honesty is always the best policy.
Since my original post I've started to challenge my thoughts around herpes. I've been lucky enough to only have one outbreak so far. It's not a death sentence. Yes there's a stigma but things could be much worse for me.
mikarose bxo
Posted
bxo mikarose
Posted
bxo holly81184
Posted
Yes well everyone is different. Honestly alot of people wouldnt completely accept that. No matter what the majority of people are going to flee away no one wants to be put at risk?? And no one wants to wear condoms forever either. There are so many people that have it and don't know about it. It's not something I would sleep around with. I keep sex to a minimal with it.
bxo holly81184
Posted
I'm not making light of the situation. But herpes is not as bad as some other stds. Yes u have it for life.but it's really not that big of a deal. People have it orally and don't know it and give head to people and don't say anything and it can still be passed to the genitals. I have to be comfortable with it, yes I was in shock, yes I wish I could go back in time and not be as trustworthy especially with the last guy. But what's done is done and y'all have to come to terms with it and fined ways of coping that your comfortable with.
jane80952 holly81184
Posted
I will say again, if it were that important for everyone to know when they are being exposed to herpes (whether through oral or other sex), the medical community would screen everyone rather than recommending that 80% of the people with type 2 (not to mention those with type 1!!) run around undiagnosed and infect other people. Why should only 20% of people who have it disclose it? The vast majority run around not only not disclosing but not even knowing they have it and are infecting other
people, Only those who w experience bad symptoms or are self aware enough to question more minor clues -- this small minority of the infected population and only they--have to go around creating rejection for themselves? The person I suspect gave this to me has been refused testing not one, but twice, by a local std clinic b/c like most males he has no symptoms. How is it fair or appropriate that I would have to disclose, but they won't even test the person who gave it to me?
bxo jane80952
Posted
It's actually quite wild how many people have it. In a regular std screening they don't test for herpes so a lot of people don't know or wouldn't know they have it.
mikarose bxo
Posted
They don't screen everyone because there is no reliable test. I have it but my blood doesn't show it, so I could produce a clean std test even though it isn't.
I am really appalled that someone would knowingly put others at risk - just like was done to yourselves and not even care. You know how upsetting this it. Why put that on someone without giving them a choice? You will never have a real, honest and decent relationship that way.
You are part of the problem and 100% part of the stigma. If it's "not that big of a deal" perhaps you should be honest about it. Not everyone has this, it's not even the majority, so don't fool yourselves and I hope you stop being so selfish.
You can successfully disclose and find someone be fine with it. You don't even have to always use condoms when you are with someone who accepts you.
Sorry for the rant but this really is just depressing to see
bxo mikarose
Posted
Put others at risk?? First of all, you missed a couple parts. I do not sleep around. As I have said I keep sex to a minimum. And yes I have used condoms. I take medication for it everyday. and I won't dare do anything during a break out. I have an honest relationship right now so your absolutely wrong. I am guaranteed my boyfriend is okay with it because he knows I get cold sores & he is an accepting person. That is the way I deal with it. I wouldn't call it selfish not everyone gets it. Mind your damn business.
bxo
Posted
I'm not going to argue with you. Negativity breeds negativity.
mikarose bxo
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It looks like you're saying that your boyfriend doesn't know you have genital herpes. If that's not the case then none of what I've said applies to you.