1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Depression

Does true friendship exist?

Posted , 6 users are following.

festus88
festus88

I would say am someone whom everyone considers to have everything under control and I am cool, calm and collected. The problem is I have never had a friend that lasted really long enough for my liking. Most of the time its by my doing and others I dont just trust people enough to keep them around me for too long. 

I try so hard to be a friend but I end up finding out 'in my head maybe', that they are just interested in what I have or might have to offer. This inevitably makes me forget them somehow.

My question to anyone reading is "does true friends exist or is it that i'm looking in it for just too much''.

N.B; I'm a realist.

2 likes, 10 replies

10 Replies

  • archemedes
    archemedes festus88

    Posted

    Maybe you are reading too much into this, or possibly you are questioning too much the motives of people who could well turn out to be friends.

    Granted in one's lifetime one will gather only a small number of people that we can call true friences, nevertheless true friendship certainly does exist.

    A good rule of thumb is to give all people the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise, and that way it is much easier to find those people who you feel you can totally trust.

    I would add that on face value the most unlikely people do turn out to be extremely trustworthy and of great 'friendship' value.

    In our particular case, we are Christians and two of our most trusted friends are Pagans - beat that if you can.

    We got over the hurdle of our religious differences by firstly respecting the fact that all people are entitled to believe in whatever they wish to believe in, and separating what they believe in from just how kind, understanding and helpful these people are - they are just generally 'kind, generous and rounded people' if you know what I mean.

    If I am to give you any advice at all it is this, we all need people who we can trust and if we are to question everyone's motives then we would never get anywhere.

    So isn't it just sufficient to accept the fact that for one reason or another we like them and they like us, and we enjoy their company - no strings attached?

    • festus88
      festus88 archemedes

      Posted

      I really respect and appreciate your perspective. I really don't choose my friends based on any stereotype(religion, race....). I just like people for who they are, like you said I just want to enjoy their company but maybe I'm over thinking the concept of friendship.

      Maybe theres just less to it than I thought.

       

    • archemedes
      archemedes festus88

      Posted

      In truth there is not a lot to it really.

      I suppose if I was to try and point to something similar it's a bit like falling in love.

      Why and by what mechanism we do it I have no idea, but it certainly happens - a lot.

      So maybe you should just relax your criteria and see what happens?

      A more relaxed attitude to life can pay all sorts of dividend, not the least of which is the beneficial effect it can have on our general health.

  • sue45192
    sue45192 festus88

    Posted

    This is a very hard question. Excuse any mistakes as I am typing on my phone and can't see what I am typing. I think a good friend is one of the most important things in life. However, people change. Friendships therefore sometimes run their course. The type of person you may need now as a good friend may not be the same as what you need in a years time. For someone like me who has no family friends are even more important. I do think you have to accept friends are just other humans and will make mistakes and may well sometimes let you down. Forgiveness is a big part of friendship. It does sound like you have some trust issues, as I do, but try to gve people a chance as friendship is very important for good mental health. Even if it is just one close friend. But like I said you do grow out of friends so maybe that's why you keep feeling like you need to move on, which is fine. I lost my best friend of 15 years a few weeks ago. My mum died then her mum died and the relationship becamme toxic. However this opens my life up for someone new to enter who I believe will be a better friendship for me right now. I hope that made sense as I caant see what I am writing!

    • festus88
      festus88 sue45192

      Posted

      You spoke like an angel in human form. Truly at many times have I seen things from your perspective, I forgive a lot and people just try to take advantage of that. Sometimes my friends turn to out to be my competition and Im always searching for the one that is not. I feel my perspective needs to change a lot more but I'm an adult now and I've seen quite a lot of culture and people. I just wish there was that someone who will just be a friend. I think that is just so hard too.

      I will hold on to your advise as it drives home clearly. 

      I'm sorry to hear about your loss and I wish you the best of what life has to offer. 

    • sue45192
      sue45192 festus88

      Posted

      I am so pleased that my words helped in someway.  I am currently extremely depressed and going through detox.

      It is times like these you find out who your real friends are - I am not exactly fun to be around right now!

      As I said my ex-best friend was not prepared to support me at all.  Since her mum died two years ago she says she can only deal with her own issues her children and her horses.  In her words she can't deal with my sh*t.

      That doesn't mean she is a bad friend as for 13 years she was an amazing friend.  She is just in a place where she thinks she has nothing to give and will only take.  In my eyes that is not how a friendship works.  Even though I feel terrible right now I actually like still being a supportive friend.  One, because I care for these people and would never not be there for anyone and two because it makes me feel better to make others feel better.

      There shouldn't really be competition in friendship as you should be happy for any friends success as they should be for yours.  Unless it is healthy competition which drives you both harder to be better people.

      Friendship, I believe is the most important thing in life (after animals!).

      Like someone else said trust until someone gives you reason not to trust.

      If you really believe someone is not a good friend, be careful, maybe speak to someone else about it first as you seem like me - quite sensitive and then will run with something in your head that may not necessarily be true.

      At the moment I only live for my teenage daughter, my pets and my friends. 

      Remember the number of friends you have is never important.

      I have 2 close friends, a couple of friends I have known for years (since school) that I speak to very rarely but I know would be there in a shot if I needed them. 

      I probably have quite high standards of what I expect in a friend - do you? That is because I would do anything to help a friend and am extremely loyal, honest and kind to the friends that I love.  I expect that in return, however I have found out lately that even my close friends do not have the extremely high standards I have.  I've realised that it's probably me expecting too much.  Maybe thats because others have parents or siblings to turn to.

      Christmas is always a strange one as every other year my ex has my daughter - one of the friends I have now would never have me alone and invites me with her family.  Others in the past have not.  Christmas to them is family only.

      I am probably rambling now!

      Bottom line is we are who we are. Accept people for who they are, they will always have bad points, we all do.  If for instance thye are always late, or forget to call you that doesn't mean they are a bad friend thats just the way they are.  If you find a good friend embrace their bad points.  If you find you cannot, then they aren't the right friend.

      I have had 5 best friends since high school.  I am nearly 36. Like any relationship sometimes you grow in different directions.

      Lastly, yes there is definately true friendship...but as are our lives, friendship is fluid.

      I hope you find the friendship you need right now...until then you can always post on here and people will support you.

      Sue x

  • hypercat
    hypercat festus88

    Posted

    Hi I find I have many level of friends,  true ones,  casual ones,  activity based ons and drinking friends.   You never know which one or  two of them are going to become true friends.   It takes a long time to make true friends who you know are completely trustworthy and it is an ongoing procss.

    Also it's not a one way street you know.   Other people look for things in you but you must also look for things in them don't you?   It's never purely altruism you know!  

    I know what is important for me in friends - sense of humour,  a caring nature,  a good listener and trustworthiness (not to never let me down but never to on purpose to hurt me). 

    My friends like me for my sense of humour, intelligence,  good listener,  and my often extrovert nature,  and trustworthiness.

    The purpose of this is make your own list of what you want in a friend and what you have to offer.   Makes you think doesn't it?  Bev x

     

  • Maureen1980
    Maureen1980 festus88

    Posted

    Hi! I kind of have the same problem, I never really had a best friend or true friendship (besides my sister) but I now know its my own insecurities and self judgment that cause it and I  always try to avoid real friendship once it suppose to go deeper. i think true freindship does exist and I think self acceptance might lead to acceptance of others. hope this helps, I am still working on it smile
    • hypercat
      hypercat Maureen1980

      Posted

      I was like that for a long time Maureen but in the last 20 years or so I have made some close friends whom I trust completely - they wouldn't be true friends if they didn't.   I love it even though it does carry responsibilities as well.   But it does take years usually to get to that level with someone and you need to know them well and them you.  

      They have seen my worst side and me theirs and we still all love each other which is amazing and very liberating.   Bev xx

       

Back to top

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.