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Feeling Guilty

Posted , 4 users are following.

erykah71
erykah71

I love my job! I aint great at it, but I enjoy getting up and going to work.................................. well I did!!!!!!!!!!

This time last year I got up at 5.19 am, (5.15 was just too early) got ready and got the bus by 6:10. got off at 6:49, had a smoke, got a coffee and then worked my butt off til 3.

Now, I get up at 10am (if I'm lucky)  put the kettle on and sit on the sofa to wake up................ If I'm lucky, I remember the kettle is on.................. My Job is kinda fantastic, because I DO have the resources to work fom home, BUT I am so frigging tired from trying to do the simple tasks like getting out of bed, washing, brushing my teeth etc, I just do not have the balls to tell my boss 'thanks for your support but I still may (great posibility) mess up my job!!!!!!

I DO NOT want to lose my job,but how do you tell (the best) boss on the earth that you can't cope? He has been so supprotive (despite my many diagnosis b4 fibro) that the best he is offering is not good enough.............. I HATE FIBRO!!!!

Sorry rant again, but I am considering giving up my job cos I don't wanna let anyone down cry

Thanks for listening xx

 

1 like, 17 replies

17 Replies

  • Boqer
    Boqer erykah71

    Posted

    Dear Erykah, you mustn't feel guilty! You didn't ask for fibro, and by the sound of things you have done extremely well through everything. It's really nice that you have an understanding boss, and it sounds like the best thing to do might be to have a chat with him about it all, you never know what he may suggest.

    All I can say is that fibro really sux! It just takes the stuffing out of you, and you need time to rest as I'm sure you have things to do other than work. Try not to look on it as letting people down, but rather as keeping them in the loop, and you can only do as much as you can, any more and you will suffer, as will those you love around you, so really its by facing the situation head on that you aren't letting people down.

    Just try not to let your mind spin on it and relax

    Always be kind to yourself

    Gentle hugs

    Boqer

    • erykah71
      erykah71 Boqer

      Posted

      Thanx Boqer,

      When I was first signed off was with depression!, then I had several IBS days (was told by previous doc I had Chrons disease? ) BUT other docs called it IBS. Then I had the depression, along with abnormal smear test, I just feel like I'm excuse making to stay off work *I'm not) AAAAArrrrrrggggggghhhh What to do xx......

       

    • Boqer
      Boqer erykah71

      Posted

      Morning Erykah, hope you are doing ok today, I answered you under what Kaz said 😃
    • klaregee
      klaregee erykah71

      Posted

      This is like holding a mirror to my own situation, abnormal smears, depression, IBS. My aunt has lupus and chrons and I have asked for blood tests but the Dr looks at me like I'm a hypochondriac. I've been referred to a psychologist because I have asked for scans and thyroid tests, like the think I'm crazy because I think I'm Ill!! Been creaking and popping all over, knee buckling, hip pain etc. and was diagnosed with arthritis. Asked Dr what I could do and he says 'move to a way country'!! What a joke! Then tells me these things come with age, everyone has a bit of arthritis...I'm 33 and need to use plastic plates and cups as anything else is too heavy and my hands can't grip!!! It gets u down, I have a wonderful hubby (well fiance) who supports me and family members who help out with my daughter. Do you have a strong support network? I feel having ppl around who see the effects and know what ur going thru really helps xx
    • erykah71
      erykah71 klaregee

      Posted

      Hi Klaregee,

      I have said before, it is amazing how many other people with this illness experience the exact same symptoms/feelings and situations. I have read a few posts and thought I don't remember writing that and obviously I haven't because someone else has lol. 

      I have a cousin with Lupus and Chrons, and she said my IBS symptoms were exactly like hers.

      My nan had MS, and was wheelchair bound for over 50 years and although I didn't initally think about this when I first started getting ill, it is still a worry, as I just don't feel any better day to day.

        

      I do however, have an amazing supportive family. They have seen how this illness has taken a hold of me, and help me without question or moaning. Even my 15 year old son lol.

      I need help with practically everything these days in one way or another but I am very lucky. They do however take the micky about how I'm turning into my mother lol, but it keeps me smiling.

      I am thankful for the support I have found on this site, because I would have cracked up by now without you all.

      Gentle hugs xx

    • klaregee
      klaregee erykah71

      Posted

      It does take over ur whole life, so glad u can have a laugh about itsmile It makes it so much easier when u have support cos the NHS sure don't offer much. I have however been referred to a pain clinic, they've cut my meds to see if that was causing my confusion. Now I'm confused and in more pain!!

      Had a note from doc on my recent prescription asking me to call him, worried now that its something serious even tho I know he would have called me if this was the case. I panic about everything these days, unrecognisable from the person I was but I'm still alive so u nd to get on with it as best u can.

      I've put in 3 stone in 6 months as I've hardly moved and the internet is a great way of stocking the cupboards with minimum effortsad I used to be very active and now I can't seem to do the simplest thing, solo frustrating!!

      Love a good moan lol xx

    • debbie_1966
      debbie_1966 erykah71

      Posted

      Hi erykah I feel the same I have been off work with all different probs b4 I was diagnosed now been off because of reaction to meds then signed off with low mood and my employer not very understanding but unable to do my job properly n not willing to take a chance of making a mistake as I deal with people and meds so have to stay off even though I can't afford to but my service users wellbeing comes first

      Gentle hugs Debbie x

  • kaz_40
    kaz_40 erykah71

    Posted

    morning erkah71. you must most definitly NOT FEEL GUILTY none of this is your making you didnt ask to have fibro you dont want fibro. It simply is not your fault none of it is. You owe it to yourself if you are not copeing to give up work your health must come first. Be honest with your boss as he will respect you for being open honest with him. if he is a decent human being and an understand person he will understand. None of us want fibro none of us asked for it, we all want to work and have normal lives. But having this condition makes all that really really hard. We have to do whats best for us as our health must come 1st take care gentle hugs
    • Boqer
      Boqer kaz_40

      Posted

      Yes Erykah, I have to agree with Kaz, I think that there is such a stigma attached to fibro, in ourselves, as much as in other people and professionals. Because all our results come back negative it is difficult for us, we even start to doubt ourselves and always feel everyone is going to think we are making things up, BUT WE AREN'T, and as much as everyone else has to accept that, so do we. One day they may find a simple test on which it will show, and we will all turn round and go...There, see, I'm not making it up! But for now we really need to be kind and gentle with ourselves and take care of ourselves in the same way that we would look after someone else who we knew had this condition.

      Gentle hugs

      Have a good day

      Boqer

    • Boqer
      Boqer kaz_40

      Posted

      Morning Kaz, hope you are doing ok and managing to enjoy something of your day 😃
    • kaz_40
      kaz_40 Boqer

      Posted

      Hi Hun How are you hows things with you. I had 3 days out in a row its caught up with me today very achy tired but its worth it. as had 3 lovely days out with hubby. We all need to be kind to ourselves treat ourselves and do what is right for us. If something doesnt feel right then dont do it, if your asked out you dont want to go dont. Paceing is a must something we all must do or pay for it. All we can do until a cure is found is take each day as it comes, get through each day as best we can. with each day we get through another battle has been won. onwards upwards we go all united as 1. Hope you have a good week not too much pain. take care have alovely day gentle hugs xsmile
  • deb97936
    deb97936 erykah71

    Posted

    What ever you do, do not keep in that mind set of 'I feel quilty'..   You can address it as 'I know I cannot presently do justice to my employment.  And it does pain me to have to admit this to myself (and to the boss).  GUILT should NOT be in there at all.. 

    I have been in the very same position as you.  I am also biting the same frustration as I am unemployable due to being 'unreliable'.. because of this condition.  Yes it can frustrate the crap out of me, but more so because people can make you turn upon yourself to those emotive thoughts of, 'feel quilty' for not working and contributing to society.

    Well, I have had to become stronger, thicker skinned at brushing off those ignorant comments and looks that you know what they are thinking. Because I am protecting my mental over body, and I don't want the stressfull flares that come with stirred emotions stressing me.

    Your life is yours, and no-one has the ignorant right to judge you, you know your limitations and they have to respect you for those limitations, and that is it, period. 

    You have to 'GET REAL' with yourself.  Appreciate yourself first.  Maybe your boss will allow you to just work the hours as and when you can,  and then to be able to step back on those days or periods when you need to step back..  Who know's he maybe agree to your suggestion of it.  Job sharing is a good thing and works for some.

    Take care and go easy on yourself.. try not to get uptight and just make the adjustments that you know deep down that you have to do.. with the knowledge in the back of your mind that you can probably be still suitable for work but with limitations.

    HUGS   

    • klaregee
      klaregee deb97936

      Posted

      Hi deb,

      Just wanted to thank u for ur comment. I'm currently on long term sick and feel like they think I'm putting this illness on!! Actually been wishing I have something else and bugging Dr for blood tests just so I have 'proof' I am actually ill but ur right, I know I am ill and not faking it, need to accept things as they are and stop feeling like a failure!!

      Claire xx

  • klaregee
    klaregee erykah71

    Posted

    Hi erykah,

    I started a new job in July last year, loved it till I had a fall in September which caused a flare up like u wouldn't believe (or unfortunately probably would!)

    Struggled in till Jan, been signed off since then and the mornings r just the worst!! I have been considering changing jobs to nightshift or going P/T as I am on minimal sick pay and get no help paying my mortgage, bills etc. as I get no help. On my 2nd appeal for even the basic benefit amount which would at least soften the blow of dropping £800 a month if I go P/T. I am a single parent to a 14yr old and the guilt eats me up some days. Unable to go out, summer holidays and can't even imagine sitting in a plane to go anywhere even if I could afford to!

    I would suggest u talk to ur boss about flexible hours if u can, maybe lessen ur duties a little or replace them with tasks u are more comfortable with? Bit idealistic I know, bosses can only be so sympathetic when the have their own targets etc. to meet.

    I'm glad u have the support of ur boss but can understand u don't want to keep going on and on, I feel sometimes the only thing I seem to talk about with family and friends is how sore I am, his little I can do, how confused I am!! Feel like I drag them down toosad

    I'm quite new to this forum but found it a great help just knowing others r in the same situation.

    Hugs, Claire xx

  • erykah71
    erykah71

    Posted

    Thanks to everybody for your support and understanding - again. 

    It is horrible that this illness is charging up so many different emotions - depression, anger, anxiety, guilt, woe etc etc.

    I know you can all sympathise because I'm sure you've all felt these emotions (and more). Unfortuately, I have a difficult time accepting I can't do what I used to be able to do, and I can't seem to find any perspective. 

    Yesterday, I felt so rough and worn out physically and emotionly I virtually did nothing all day. Today I still feel worn out but also feel really sick, it seems to be something else everyday and  I feel like I'm going out of my mind. The thought of not having control over my body is really scary.

    Anyway, thanks again guys - I'm not usually so whingy but thanks to the fibro I am nearly a professional now 

    Gentle hugs all round and have a good day my lovely fibro friends

    E xx

    • kaz_40
      kaz_40 erykah71

      Posted

      Hi erkah71 how you are feeling what you are going through is all perfectly normal. I have days when I think Im going mad I feel sick most days. The worst thing for me has been not having any control over this condition. it controls our body and mind not us. it is scary how it makes us feel we cant control any of it. You go through all different emotions with fibro, grieving for your old life anger,denial eventually acceptance. It took me over a year to fully accept it. But it doesnt make it any easier, I have many a down day. but being on this forum helps. all you can do is take a day at a time get through that day as best you can. paceing yourself is important and hard to do. when weve all being use to whizzing around every where and constantly on the go. to suddenly find ourselves coming to a stop. Its avery hard condition to deal with. we cant look back we must soldier on the best we can and support each other through our daily battle. united as 1. take care gentle hugs
    • deb97936
      deb97936 erykah71

      Posted

      I am feeling the exact same... blah nothing zero day, just blobbed, in annoying discomfort and pain all through inside and out....  Thats ever after a sleeping tablet the other night, and I woke up worse for it!!  grrr  does happen..  But better for the sleep one would think!

      I feel like yourself, plain work out.  Groggy, foggy, heavy and at times nausiated.  

      I actually think a few of us here have earned our Fibro Professional Badges and the zero to 100% plus moany bags and whingers Badges to... of all colours and shapes.  lol..   

      I have sat in the cold all day, with some getting off my butt to do the odd minor think like heat my pre cooked porridge, heat my pre cooked soup today and my hot cuppers and take my meds...  toilet the dogs and yup, that's been my lot today...  hohummmm

      Hoping to like yourself and others, the day tomorrow looks or actually feels better alround...  fingers x'd..

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